No match reports for the 2019/20 season. For some hockey or non-hockey chat (variable quality) please see our archive.
Nomads vs. St Neot’s (L 4-2), Scorer: Lara G. x2, MoM: ?, DoD: Georgie
Sadly, the Nomad’s weren’t very nice and so made Georgie DoD again. I don’t think it’s fair to expect a match report for both. Hence I wrote one on my experiences this week, because we want freshers to write good match reports. Hence I wrote a bad one so they know how low the bar is:
Saturday 20+1st September
At short time after 12:30 pm, we played a game of hockey against a team from Blueharts. I started off the game very annoyed because we started late. Given that I live by the motto “if you’re £7.50 early then you’re late”, starting £4.00 late really got my blood boiling. Vice Captain Ethan Francis has already talked about this game, and so I don’t wish to repeat what he has said.
After the game, we showered in Men’s Changing room 3, ate some chilli and played a game of naming as many strange things in the same categories you can in an unreasonable amount of time, in order to decide how much each of us should pay. After two or three rounds, I got bored, but ironically was ordered to pay 15 minutes to the Wandies fines account.
We then went to watch the Nomads play with some balls. After one lager, I felt very much empowered and was offering coaching advice to pretty much all twenty two players on the pitch as well as one of the umpires. When one of the umpires suddenly got the urge to spend a penny, the game was delayed for around £5. Lewis and I began to fill up the Nomads water bottles, because it was hot and so they were very thirsty. Once we had replenished their water bottles with water from the fountain located between pitch 2 and pitch 3, we carried them over. Captain Kirsten Meehan asked Lewis and I to stay. Lewis coached the defence, while I took care of the midfield and forward lines.
Suddenly the Nomads started to play hockey, whilst defender Lewis Collins and I proceeded to continually shout at people. We got very excited because they scored two goals and their opponents only scored one. We then got accused of looking too much like the Nomads. We didn’t know whether this was a good thing or a bad thing. On one side, the nomads are a good looking bunch, but on the other hand, we are fully developed male homosapiens in chinos, shirt and tie. We therefore put on some different coloured tops, but Lewis Collins had to put on a puffer jacket and started to get quite warm. As I mentioned earlier, it was a warm day so whoever brought the puffer jacket had made a bad choice of clothing.
At the end of the game, we had a nice chat to the other coach, who claimed that the unprecedented toilet break changed the game. We felt this was harsh on the Nomads, and on us, but we had just lost the game, and so although I had two legs to stand on, we didn’t have much to offer back.
Given that I had just spent 7 hrs at Wilby, arriving before the Bedouin to watch a game of rugby in Japan, I decided to spend another hour in the clubhouse. I had a lovely chat to umpire Rob Lewis and some other umpires. As a fellow umpire, I felt part of the squad and we had a good laugh about the rules and other niche facts that if you aren’t an umpire you wouldn’t find funny nor would you understand. Once my chat soon dried up, and had received some quality umpiring gossip, I cycled home before heading straight out to go to Wanderer’s Cocktails.
On the way, captain Ollie Rose realised he didn’t have enough cups, so defender Jason Jallen Allen and I went to Sainsbury’s, 42-45 Sidney Street, Cambridge to buy some plastic cups. We felt bad because the plastic wrapping the disposable cups is bad for the environment. But the disposable cups were made of plastic, and so we decided it was ok, because two wrongs make a right, right?
We then turned left to go to Captain’s Ollie Rose’s house. We struggled to find it because Ollie had put the wrong address, and it was a terraced street so there were lots of houses. Thankfully, goal scorer Joe Chandler came to get us and showed us to the back garden which had a broken trampoline.
Here we made some toasts, we had no bread so we made those ones where you celebrate something with alcohol. Unfortunately, we didn’t have a table, so it was difficult to do it properly. I had a poor choice of words, which probably makes me a DoD candidate for this week. But after that, my night did blossom.
Captain Ollie Rose decided to make a cheap version of Pimms. It was quite nice, but there was a lot of Gin in it which made it quite difficult to consume at times. Nevertheless, the gentlemen of the Wanderers continued to drink it. At this point I had to eat a cucumber, because captain Ollie Rose told me it was a five-minute-finish, but I told Vice-captain ethan it was a finish. Hence I sat their for a deppressing £12.50 eating a Sainsbury’s 42-45 Sidney street cambridge cucumber. It was supprising how much water there is in cucumber, and after this I felt quite fresh.
We then decided to march at a semi-fast pace to Hawk’s. Jason Allen Jallen went downstairs with me, but there were loads of female Rugby players. They looked at us very strangely, and we got very scared because we can’t speak to girls, so we ran straight to the toilets to relinquish ourselves and work out our exit strategy.
Once we escaped we found DJ, who was very nice and told us to go elsewhere. We then went to John’s Bar where we successfully tried to not let down Lewis Collins who is a credit to the College of St John the Evangelist in the University of Cambridge. I had a nice time here, with a quiet lager beer.
We then went to spoons which followed the standard script of a dangerspoons night in that we all drank some drinks that we didn’t need, cut some shapes and then went home with or without company.
Sunday 22nd September
I was excited at the prospect of my first journey to Macclesfield for the academic year. But this did not materialised and so I was forced to do some work. After reading a few academic papers, I went back to bed. The highlight of my day was my fish finger sandwiches which I had for lunch. They were really good and I ate them whilst watching some fresh prince of bel air on Netflix, because I want to be more funny and I think Will Smith is mildly humorous. Unfortunately, we look quite different, because, most notably, he is much taller than me, and so I’m not sure all of his jokes would work for me.
Monday 23rd September
Sadly lots of hockey got cancelled this week because everyone is quite tired. Hence I didn’t play as much hockey as I would have liked, but my body was quite happy just to sit down. Instead we just had two hockey sessions today, one on tuesday and a rest on Wednesday. But I’m getting ahead of myself now, and need to get back to the exciting events of Monday.
We got to training early, because I was hungry to find out who had done what, with who, where, why and how? It turns out some things had happened, but I wasn’t particularly surprised by them because a) I had seen them happen, or b) people were just being boring by doing the fun things that they always do.
Slightly dismayed we played some hockey. 5 time Varsity man of the match and Wandies Coach Kieran Gilmore decided to a drill where we passed off the wrong foot. Sadly, the drill didn’t work because everyone knew you were going to pass off the wrong foot and so the silly freshers just stood in the way. We then had to do some more minutes on the line and this hollow hold thing. I assume Kieran does this hold a lot more than me, because he has a rig and I have a torso. I couldn’t do it for long (<120 seconds), but lasted longer than Allen Jallen Jason who decided to go and roll because he was injured. For those of you who don’t know, he claims to get injured a lot, but I think he just liked playing in foam pits when he was the same height ten years ago.
Tuesday 24th October
Feeling quite tired from Monday, we trained again on Tuesday. Whilst JP Parke was chest flicking at one end of the pitch, the Wanderers and Squanderers ran around more but used less chest. Captain Ollie Rose decided to do more minutes on the line, but we decided that running for 28 seconds once was more tiring than running for 30 seconds twice, and so we did that instead. Notable performances included fresher Sam Pritchard really enjoyed running his elbow into people’s heads.
Wednesday 25th October
After struggling to get out of bed, I decided to spend my day interacting with OBUHC on twitter. They liked a lot of my tweets and I liked a few of there’s and then they decided to follow us. If you’re reading this now, thank you, you made me very happy. The people at Brookes Career Service were also very nice, but I don’t know why they were that interested in my tweets.
Whilst I tweeted about hockey, we decided to offer some advice to Brookes, which as expected, was not acted upon. We knew it was going to be an interesting game when they’re captain said “It never rains in Cambridge” when it was raining a lot. It did then stop, so had he waited £5, he would have sounded much more intelligent. Their keeper was very vocal, and had kindly put his name on the back of his shirt. Whilst one direction and a pony tail played up top for us, Brookes scored two goals to our one. I would say that Sido’s penalty flick was a good flick, but he did put it middle, centre right and this is not a recommended scoring zone.
The Men therefore sadly lost two goals to one goal which was disappointing. They played well and managed to win nine short corners, none of which were awarded inside the striker zone. My conclusion here is that everyone on the opposite side of Milton Keynes saves there chopping for on the pitch.
After a short stretching session, we went to watch the Ladies play Brooks. I continued to tweet when we did good things. The game was mostly played in midfield, with few chances for both teams. Unfortunately, Toby hadn’t put names on the back of his team’s shirts, but because we are quite strange, we thankfully knew all the squad numbers from England’s 2006 World Cup Squad and so named them appropriately. John Terry scored a fine goal, which won the game. John was surprisingly fast and caused our defence a lot of problems. Super Franky Lampard also had a good game, it was almost like there were two of them on the pitch.
On our side, there were some excellent performances. Shears was playing a blinder and had Paul Robinson (who was feeling a bit like Manuel Neuer) in her pocket all game. Dadge put in a serious hustle and caused Ashley Cole quite a few problems, whilst Izzy Montgomery looked absolutely class in midfield, making Joe Cole look like a West-Ham reject.
In the evening, we all went to Trinity JCR, where Welfare office Izzy Austin let us all watch a film on a very large Samsung LCD Smart TV. The room was very big, but also had a lot of people in it, so it was quite cosy. We all watched “When Harry met Sally”, which was nice and wholesome. People laughed at the funny bits and stayed quiet in other bits. Former Wandies Captain Harry Leng provided a running commentary from the back which meant we had to put the subtitles on. When the film ended, we went on the new website and watched ourselves playing hockey. Because I have too much time on my hand, I also knew about funny videos from CUHC, and it was reassuring to find that other people found them funny, because it means I am less strange than I thought I once was.
As preseason matures nicely into its third week so have the Nomads. It was good to have most players present and correct without having to go to the homeless shelter to pick any up af†er some close calls post spoons. The welfare night on Wednesday was not such a wholesome one for some of our nomads with Connie, in a bid to reconnect with CUHC after swanning around in Dubai for a bit, deciding to host some pres. Eka, in her bid to actually become part of CUHC, was being extremely welcoming to incoming freshers, so welcoming in fact she asked a certain Squandies captain how he was settling into Cambridge.
The run in to Saturday was then smooth with very little happening in the world of the nomads (hard to believe I know). Saturday was upon us and we all had the best intentions to make it to St Ives (not the one in Cornwall we learnt) on time. However, only at 12.05pm did we all make it to St Ives after the diversions on the A14 proving a bit much for some of our drivers (reportedly one car circled a roundabout 4 times before deciding which exit to take), yet with only 25 minutes until pushback this haphazard method of preparation is notoriously successful for the nomads. After episode 2 of Shears’ pearls of wisdom we had a lightning quick warm up and were glad to see we had the umpire who could control his bladder unlike last week. The high headband count amongst the St Ives players was rather intimidating until we noticed one of the players had whipped out some shades when it was raining and another had her skort on backwards.
With a keen Dad filming the whole game on the iPad, the nomads felt destined for the big screen and decided to put in a mega shift. With mini/cooper/coops/Georgie/G, Connie and Eka back in the mix the nomads played some very liquid hockey. Sarah Alsaad made St Ives very saad after bashing in two goals in quick succession. St Ives then got a short corner and put it away nicely all within 15 minutes. The rest of the game was smooth sailing with the nomads deciding to spend a lot of time in their D but we just didn’t really fancy scoring. It was a big 2-1 win for the nomads who were on top form. MOM was awarded to Salsaad and DOD to Eka for some unmentionable issues that have been occurring this week. Now I hear you ask, why are you writing the match report then? In my haste to make it back to Cambridge I suggested that we should all get going…however, it soon transpired that my car keys were missing. Having lost them already that day and Faith finding them we knew that they were somewhere in St Ives. A man overheard our troubles and seemed keen to try and jumpstart the car without keys but we didn’t take up the offer in fear he would probably just steal the car. After a 30 minute hunt the keys were located in a field somewhere in the vicinity of St Ives. It has also been reported the return journey was a resounding success with each car only going around each roundabout 1 time.
The Nomads stocked up on snacks and chat for the lengthy journey to the very north of Norfolk with returning legends Sass and Georgie Jones leading the way. We eventually made it to the match after several hours and multiple maccies stops to keep us going. Despite the horrifically early meet time, we were feeling fresh and ready to play some excellent hock. We started off in good form by winning an early short corner. It was a unanimous decision to let Sarah Alsaad take the lead with a straight strike as she was in nearly everyone’s fantasy team. Sarah proved herself worthy of being the most picked player by sending the ball straight past the goalie and taking us to 1-0. The celebrations were partly for the match but mainly for the extra points in the fantasy team.
The high of the first goal led to a dip in concentration and before we knew it, we were 2-1 down. To make things worse, we lost Sarah Wooding to a stick to the head. However, Sarah’s main concern was whether the new bump on her head would match her tight and bright outfit for the swap the next day so nothing too worrying. It was a low point in the match and we needed some motivation to claw it back. That motivation came in the form of a brutal attack on one of our beloved freshers. In a shocking display of violence, a goggles sporting player was so outraged by a tackle put in by Lara that she turned around and slapped her. It was the spark we needed. Fuelled by the injustice done to our poor fresher, we took on the final few minutes of the match with a new determination. After desperately passing the ball around, an opportunity finally came in the last few minutes. Georgie Jones ran the ball down the line and passed into Lizzie waiting on the P spot. Lizzie passed it to Frankie who passed it to Sass who then scored the slowest goal ever in the history of the Nomads. It took a full 5 minutes for the ball to dribble over the line while everyone watched with baited breath. The final score 2-2 felt like a win after such a well fought, violent game and the long journey back was triumphant. MoM was shared between Eka and Lizzie for all round great play and DoD went to me for suspicious marks on my neck (cause still unknown, a rash maybe??)
MoM: Eka, Lizzie DoD: Georgie Cooper Scorers: Sarah Alsaad, Sass
MoM: Connie Day, DoD: Georgie Jones
No Match Report Submitted 🙁
MoM: Dani Van Gilst, DoD: Faith Borland
No Match Report Submitted 🙁
MoM: Frankie Harley, DoD: Georgie Cooper
Match Report to be submitted soon…
Being a PhysNatSci who is incapable of both writing and typing, I decided to write a match report in a language I can understand. I wasn’t even able to write this sentence for myself, so I turned to some fellow humanitarians. They don’t have any actual academic work to do so were happy to spend their time helping me out.
Freshers + CUHC = Welcome Drinks
- Freshers – £7 = (C2H5OH?) carrot mush
- 2300 = Boron Aluminium Lanthanum Rhenium (see data sheet)
- Marcus = singlet (lots of splitting)
- Marcus + any fresher = 1/0 (MATH ERROR)
Nomads + MBlues = Swap
Vs Nott Trent = BUCS BUS
- Ttravelling > Thockey
- Best University of the Year HC > CUHC
- P(NTU in NTU library) < P(CUHC in NTU library)
Vs Cam city = Game stats
35’ = 1-0
70’ = 1-1
Ball projectile angle = faith°
SAS + aggression = nose bleed
League position(Cam City – cuhc) = -7
Draw = win
No. nutmeg goals = 1
Conclusion of results
PBS + Geography – PhysNatSci = 1 match report
PhysNatSci – PBS – Geography = 0 match reports
Solve for PhysNatSci (10 marks)
Yellow dress+ Yellow jacket = DoD
Disclaimer:- I’ve lost my voice, am ill and have coursework which is why this is short and rubbish. [Editor’s note: No it’s not]
Possibly due to my absence the Nomads finally got the W and apparently Megan scored a sick goal
Unfortunately I still managed to get DOD despite not even being there although I did have a lovely dinner instead
But I was able to make it to the most important sporting event of the weekend – Pub Golf
Golf turned out to be harder than anticipated even for the most experienced CUHC members but most players made it round the course
Obviously some of the Nomads were much happier with their partners than others, I’ll let you guess who
Life supplied free VK and some good chat from the Nomads’ most notorious fresher
Final hole completed, I woke up the next morning having kept my visor but lost my voice which was all in all a successful night
It appears that the Nomads are not a very nice team. Even though I watched both of their games this week (the Wednesday one giving me tonsillitis) and giving encouraging feedback throughout, I got voted DOD. This was on top of my Week 7 blues which had me playing no hockey and not being able to eat without pain. Sad times. Anyhow, this means that I have to write a match report for last week, featuring pub golf (well some of the holes at least) and 2 matches (that I went to watch because I am a nice person).
After a very difficult S&C (40 seconds of sliding mountain climbers no thank you) me and anon blues captain went to Preemark to get some PJs (pyjamas not private jets @ Leng) and a visor for the night’s affair. After some fajitas ft John Lewis with some more hockey friends, we decided it was time to head to Spoons. Pairing occurred, and I got paired with an anon Cypriot, who looked very much not like a golfer and very much like a pirate. I am more like Kan’tbir than Kabir, and so took a sandwedge from the tee and had a double rum and coke. Us and another couple pairs decided (after a while because said pairs were very indecisive) to have another drink in spoons, so 2 double rum and cokes later it was time to walk. Walking in a pair is very difficult, but I like to think me and the anon Cypriot I was tied to more or less killed it. After some wine at the hydration station of Catz bar and a game of ‘this is a shouuuwt’ in Clare, we headed to Hawks. Rumour has it we spent over 16 hours in Hawks in just £1. This was evident by the content of the debrief the next day.
I woke up with quite a sore knee so concluded I had fallen over several times. But on the plus side me and Seano had a really long hug that apparently felt like ‘we were never going to see each other again’, so that’s nice. After the debrief where we concluded the whole of CUHC remembered approximately 0, I went to training to source some chat. As per, only our freshest fresh provided, so we played some hockey. My knee felt quite sore but I played on anyway because I thought it was just a silly drunk bruise. Turns out it was more than that and I found it very hard to walk up and down stairs when I got home – a major issue given I live on the top floor of my house.
Not much happened here. Knee hurt some more which was sad.
I concluded that I probably shouldn’t play in our BUCs game, which was sad because I am still yet to play a home game for CUHC on a Wednesday. Anyway, I watched the Nomads because (as mentioned earlier) I am a nice person, which is apparently more than can be said about the rest of the team. I felt very powerful telling people what to do from the sideline, although I am probably not very qualified to do this, and Sarah W suggested I get a megaphone which reduces the sound and quantity coming from my mouth. Anyway, the Yesmads scored 5 goals vs UEA’s 1, so we won the hockey. Of course, hockey is always the real winner, but nonetheless it is nice to score more goals than your opponent. I saw Rich and he quizzed me about my injury but unfortunately I couldn’t reveal much:
‘How did you fall on it?’, ‘I’m not sure’, ‘Did you land funny?’, ‘Look Rich I don’t remember’, ‘Did it hurt at the time’, ‘Rich, honestly you know more about how I fell than I do at this point’.
Thursday 20+1st/Friday 22nd:
Boring days with no hockey, sad. I also woke up with tonsillitis, so I was feeling quite sorry for myself.
Although I really wanted to play hockey, I realised it was probably not a good idea given the fact I was still struggling to walk, but I cycled to wilby and watched some of the Beds game before the Yesmads. I was very happy to see that the Beds won their game, and I felt confident the Yesmads would deliver. This time there was not only me shouting on the sideline, but Owain, who drowned even my high-pitched voice out. The game was quite feisty, with a green and a yellow and lots of barging and questionable decisions. Anyway, it ended in a Desmond, which was a good result as D=W. After snacking on some match teas and brownies, I was voted DOD for not playing hockey, which really added insult to my injury and made me feel even more sorry for myself.
P.S Any freshers reading this, let me give you a word of advice for Xmas dinner (having attended two very different kinds). Go easy on the Prosecco, and maybe eat something before you go. Oh, and if you’re going to get in the bin, make sure the contents of your stomach do too.