Weekend Preview – The CUHC Masters 17/11/19

PUB GOLF: NAME A BETTER WAY TO FORGET
ABOUT THE WEEK 5 (Dark) BLUES, I’LL WAIT.

With the big tea time just around the corner, I thought I’d start with my top tip: Your main meal before a big fixture should be in the form of low to medium glycemic index foods. i.e. Pasta is always the right choice.

With the sage advice over, it’s now to get on to the more spicy content. Yes, you know the drill… It’s time to pepper this page with ‘chat’. Don’t worry, no one wilby feeling salty at the end, I’m now well-seasoned in writing these poorly.

The Warm Up

Recent scientific studies have shown that ‘Woga’ has unprecedented toxicity. With only a few human beings carrying the requisite criterions for immunity, a purge has taken place.

Thankfully, our medical team’s knowledge of immunology, a pseudo-homoeopathic system of conventional medicine, has finally been put to good use. An anon. Beds Coach asked Cam City Vets if they could help, but then he remembered they only deal with animals.
Nevertheless, Yoga is now safe for all and the perfect way to get loose before the all-important round.

The Rules

  1. Each entrant shall play with three legs.
  2. Straying out of bounds is strictly forbidden unless as part of a pair.
  3. Each player must play off their ‘team tee’ at one hole during the night.
  4. All other teas can be played off a selection of Blue, Red, Yellow and white teas.
  5. When the drink touches the lips, the stroke commences. When the drink leaves the lips, the stroke ends.
  6. All players to attempt an ‘Eagle’ at the Eagle.
  7. Slow play is strongly frowned upon.
  8. No patrons are allowed.
  9. Entrants wilby teeing off at 19:00 sharp.

The Course

Consisting of 9 holes of varying difficulty, any round will be tiresome. For anyone battling through a tricky period, remember, the game of pub golf is 90 percent mental and 10 percent mental.

The origins of the course remain unknown. All we know is that it’s long been associated as the unofficial sixth major, behind the open, the U.S. masters, the PGA, the U.S. Open and Beds.

And on the tee, from Cambridge, England is…

The par 3 opening hole, “spoons”, is arguably the cheapest eagle and the easiest hole on the course. At a mere 0.4 yards, distance is not an issue. A delicate swing will put you in a good position and a whole-in-one is not out of the question. Whilst the local rough around the fairway can present an intriguing challenge to those that find themselves astray off the tee, we recommend taking a risk and saving yourself a couple of swings for the more difficult shots later.

Once you’ve navigated the next 2 holes, you’ll find yourself at Catz Bar. At this point, most competitors are there or thereabouts. However, some now show their true colours (light blue, I hope) and put caution to the wind. In fact, it’s pretty still downstairs there in Catz bar. However, after consecutive birdies, a unique warm but breezy microclimate always seems to develop, leading to some bizarre stroke play under the pressure. DO NOT PANIC.

Fact: The key difference between pub golf
and it’s fewer variant is whether being a ‘chopper’ is complimentary.

Holes six, seven and eight constitute “Amen corner”. Named after the pleas by members praying for the ever-absent David Gibson to come to their rescue (yes, he’s never been to pub golf), it’s make or break time. Clare cellars offers the unique opportunity to play a foursome, rather than the conventional four-ball. It’s always the case that some people will bottle it on their own.

Then comes Hawks, the most (in)famous of them all…

The final hole is a par 404. If you’ve got this far, you could argue you’ve come a fairway. The course organisers tell me that despite the success of big Jez last year, it wil-not-by our vinyl destination. In the old days, one Kuda taken many different approaches to the green, but that is life. Now with only a single approach with a steep downslope, good footwork is essential here. You wouldn’t want to fall at the final hurdle.

For most this is time to go home. Nevertheless, at this point, some people just wish to go for another hole and a few more strokes. Club selection here is key. The most popular club is usually one with a stiff shaft.

The pundits favourite

Owain – Campkin

“Surely, last years champion is a shout. An exceptionally low score meant he went out and came back in style.”

Last year’s Champion celebrating in the famous green jacket. Will Frozone send it again for another incredibles score this year?

The Webmaster – Austin

“Rumour has it the birthday girl has put in a huge bribe for someone fun. At first, I thought this had put her out of the running. You can’t win if someone’s not playing seriously. Then I heard rumours in the form of a first name and then I heard a second name from someone else. They were both the same name which was pretty conclusive. Knowing that Matt Matt hates fun [it all got too much for him last year], Izzy’s a guaranteed shout. Let’s just hope she doesn’t shoot too low…”

A rogue contender? #GetInvolved

Umpire Lewis – Rowlands

“Chops a great pint, has a large volume with which to store food and drink, a small SA:V so he won’t get cold in fancy dress, a vet, so finding his way around the course in the dark and outdoors should be easy. You could also argue that he can carry any partner quite literally.”

Toby Ladbrooks – JEngland

“No distractions this year. Is that too harsh?” – I’m not sure toby, but I’ll guess we’ll see what follows.

Other Events

There is also a full complement of hockey this weekend. With the Squandies (vs. St Ives), Wandies (vs. Old Souths) and Wblues (vs. East London) all at the Wilberfortress, it’s another grand day out. With the squandies looking to stay unbeaten, the Wandies intending to make a statement and the Wblues facing top of the league, we need to bring the noise! I wilby there, will you?

Away from home, the Nomads travel to Colchester. A quick browse on their website and you’ll find many a picture of Frankie. Turns out she was a bit of a BNOC. Let’s just hope they’re not facing Frankie’s U16 side of Sunday 5 February 2017 who fought back hard from 5-0 down to get a draw.

The Mblues travel to the metropolis of Norwich in search of adding to their tally. With four points in the last two games, it appears the Men’s blues season may have turned. With Norwich just below them in the league, it’s a huge one.

Last but not fewest, the Bedouin travel to Spalding in search of three points. Fresh from the Generation game with host Tom Whitworth, the Beds have put their fruity pendulums and are looking to cause an upset. Mid-table Spalding have been prone to a slip-up. Can the Beds put their newly found talents to good use and provide another banana skin?

Any other Business?

Only two match reports this week. Very disappointed. I’ve had suggestions that we should have a three-strike rule. I don’t want to but I might …

Both match report submitters will, therefore, get the fantasy points. Remember it’s a double points weekend!

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