Weekend Preview – It’s a banger (09/11/19)

With a weak-to-strong weekend preview last week and the soon-to-distant arrival of Pub golf, there was probably little-to-significant need for a small-to-large effort on this week’s vanilla-to-exciting weekend preview.

Unfortunately, I’ve been busy building a new website for the Ospreys (cheeky plug for Dadge – http://www.ospreys-cambridge.com). A very corporate web address, but I really do appreciate the use of a hyphen/dash; an underused piece of punctuation in the English language!

So who’s going to write the weekend preview? Thankfully, Monty has come to my rescue. She [Izzy] has kindly taken a break from her tough degree and sought inspiration from:

  • The new CUHC Spotify account (another cheeky plug)
  • The recently successful Men’s Blues Stars event

Hence Monty and I present you with “CUHC as songs”. We’ve scowered the musical aether for the songs that best describe a select group of CUHC members according to our rigorous criterions.

JP – I’m Sexy and I know it (LMFAO)

This one’s self-explanatory… but for those of you that don’t know JP, I will explain. Like Stefan Kendal Gordy, who went to school with will.i.am, JP is the second most famous person from his home town, after English bacteriologist Frederick Twort. Nevertheless, JP and “Redfoo” always back themselves no matter how fresh big the challenge.

Jean – We don’t talk any more (Charlie Puth et al.)

Following Ferg’s betrayal to the light reds, Jean is without one of his trusted sidekicks in the Men’s blues. This only leaves him with another lift dweller TJ (Shaun Mendes – There’s nothin’ holdin’ me back).

Ollie Rose – like I’m gonna lose you (Meghan Trainor, John Legend)

The words once song by John Legend were repeated by Mr Rose as he serenaded the new wandies balls. In the heat of the moment, the balls got frigid and cracked under the pressure. Well, it’s that or the Wandies are the biggest team in CUHC.

The search goes on…

Faith Borland- Can’t feel my face (The Week’nd)

Cam City encountered Faith’s impenetrable defence of what is very much CUHC’s Wilberfortress and discovered the only way to get past her was to send her off the pitch to get an ice pack by smashing a ball into her face.

With a lovely purple bruise to show, Faith is back with to defend the Wilberfortress with the Nomads this week against Bury St Edmunds even if she still can’t fully feel her face.

Dadge- On the Floor (J-Lo)

It’s not football

Anon. International Welsh Rugby Referee (1971-Present)
“Pick your body up and drop it on the floor”

Sid Bryant – Big Spender (Shirley Bassey)

Sid clearly loves CUHC, spending the most on the *layerlayer/old nike stash/kit- we love to see it ! We will use this as a little reminder for ladies to pay for your kit. The spreadsheet can be found in your email inbox under the famous words of Freddie Hampel.

*standard CUHC pre-fix to be applied.

Kirsty- Sway (The Kooks)

Always keen for a night out, Kirsty saying ‘I could be swayed’ means she’s ready to absolutely send it.
And just as Kirsty can send it in Hawkoons, she’s also class at sending it down the line. So get yourselves down to the Wilberfortress this weekend to see her in action!

Lucy – Mysterious Girl (Peter André)

Aka Elusive Luce was so e-luce-ive that she snuck off to Edinburgh last weekend. But she’s back to show off her flair skills this week, unless her feet get in the way.

Is she a forward? Is she a mid? Is she a defender? Does she even go to Cambridge? Not even Darrel knows – how mysterious !!

Lewis – On a Roll (Ashley O)

With the highest net points tally in fantasy hockey so far, there’s still time to substitute him into your team for this weekend. The latest odds at LadBrooks suggest Lewis is in for a huge points weekend!

The fifth-order polynomial trendline fits perfectly, it must be right…

Emma Hatherell – Survivor (Destiny’s Child)

Champion of the hunger games, we’re also delighted to discover that Emma has a lot of high-quality chat at her disposal. Maybe she and Ollie Phillips should write the weekend previews…

Scarlett Atkinson – Trap queen (Fetty Wap)

Honestly, the most consistent upright reverse trap I’ve ever seen.

Shears- You need me, I don’t need you (Ed Shear[s]an)

Words Shears can definitely say to me. Shears is killing it as nomads coach with her favourite ‘rebound’ game and electric goals. All I can offer is short corner practice, attack v defence and continuous 3 v 3s…..

Martha- Dangerous Woman (Ariana Grande)

In the greatest discovery since finding out Ethan (not Francis) was on Ashley Banjo’s Secret Street Crew, it turns out that Martha was the one who hit Amy in the face £31.5k ago. Need I say no more.


Sean – No Money (Galantis)

Current treasurer Sean would be very grateful for any donations or fundraising ideas. On this note, if you haven’t heard it enough from Totton, then make sure you’ve signed up to percent!!

We can confirm the club’s inaugural “Regal fundraising event” last Saturday raised a whopping £1.94. We’d like to thank those generous benefactors (…Kirsty…) and we encourage others to get involved with this meaningful work, perhaps as early as this coming Saturday?

Frankie – Intoxicated (Martin Solveig)

A little bit of investigative journalism from Owaine last week led to indisputable evidence of some not-so-sneaky pmbing from fresher Frankie!

She couldn’t resist a bop at Queenios’, and then, to make matters worse, tried to bring down coops with her. Nonetheless, she still managed to absolutely kill it in midfield, although she could definitely run a little more.

Amy – Sweet but Psycho (Ava Max)

Purely for reference, we’re throwing it back £ 31.5k for those fresh who might not have seen Amy’s psycho side. Whilst she’s sweetened up since then, recent events suggest she’s still as fresh.

When Darrel tells you to swap with Bethan and play centre back

Jim and Izzy – Take Care (Rihanna and Drake [respectively])

Our welfare team are not currently looking for suggestions for the next welfare evening, but I’m really keen to view a critically-acclaimed film. Something to get those literary juices flowing. Hot Fuzz? Anyone?

Harry Leng- Daddy Cool (Boney M)

Need I say no more…

Leanne Tyne- Dancing Queen (Abba)

Whilst many in CUHC could well be nominated for this title, Leanne was crowned the winner of the girls’ welcome night, displaying one of the key requirements of a member of CUHC: to be able to absolutely dominate the d-floor. 

On that note, a strong CUHC presence has been lacking in Catz Corridor for the last few Wednesday Cindies; we need to claim it back for ourselves.

Owaine – Fifteen (Taylor Swift)

I mean not niche chat but he just looks fifteen doesn’t he. These are the oldest photos the internet has of Owaine….. and he’s over 17 in all of them.


Monty- Look on the Bright Side of Life (Monty Python)

Having trawled the internet for <insert adjective here> photos of me, Monty Pythoned me. So I used my beloved internet to great effect.

A quick search didn’t really yield much; a great disappointment.  At this point, I then realised that she’d been quite nice in suggesting I was fifteen, especially since Sides knew me for two years as “the 12-year-old at Queens'”. I subsequently thought I could also be really nice… but then I remembered it was a weekend preview.

You keep giving that “insightful speech about how the School is like a hockey team”

At this minor crisis, I got a neural oscillation. I vaguely recalled that two other Monty’s had liked CUHC. Of the pre-millennial era, pre-Monty Monty liked to upload photos of her adorable children without full privacy settings on le livre de visages/das Buch der Gesichter. Herein, I shall refer to this Monty as pre-Monty-minty-fresh-not-Monty-Fynn-Monty (PMMFNMFM), because high-quality journalists and the tab do not reveal their sources.

Thank you PMMFNMFM. Now I should probably explain why I chose this song. Well, no one ever sees Monty looking sad. She’s always happy and cheers everyone up (well, me at least).

I guess that’s ended up a bit nice, but she did write most of this weekend preview for me…

The Hockey

The Wilberfortress sees four big games of hockey this weekend. With the Wandies having the weekend off and no rugby-related distractions, large crowds are very much expected.

The squandies kick off the day at 10:30 GMT and the Nomads bring it to a close at 15:00 GMT. The Mblues and Beds are nestled in between. All these games are very winnable, so we’re excited to see the points rolling in!

Further afield, the Wblues travel to Bedford in search of three points. After a big win midweek, Psycho and her team wilby looking to start a winning streak. It’s been a tough start, but having watched them play on Wednesday, they do know how to play hockey!

The Fantasy Hockey

Keep those transfers coming in! The submission form can be found here. A big round-up is coming in two weeks time.

Further work

For those who find that reading a weekend preview is not enough, I have four high-quality match reports. Vote below for your favourite:

Favourite Match report?

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In addition, all the songs above can be found in our weekend preview playlist.

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