With BDotY now fewer than 5 weeks away, 30 days to be exact, it means it’s time to roll out the traditions (Fun Fact: Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. In modern money, this would only pay one term’s subs!).
With the Michaelmas term now under our belts, everyone’s had a chance to settle in. More importantly, it’s given us at CUHC media 8 whole weeks to assess your worth to CUHC. Hence, without further ado, we would like to introduce the annual freshest freshers competition.
According to the so-called bastion of the English language, the *ED, a fresher is a young frog. This may help explain why one fresher, jumped in, the Cam. Two freshers. Nope, you fresh fresher…
Freshers are, in fact, the newcomers who haven’t yet settled down and learnt how CUHC works. Some are silly, some are boring. Here at CUHC, we run a rigorous, non-toxic assimilation course starting with simple tasks, like counting hockey balls, before progressing up to more challenging tasks such as leaving Hawks quietly. Sadly, this year, we have not had a 100% pass rate and some graduates of the course have had their licence revoked.
We, therefore, after a two-year hiatus, commence the annual vote for the freshest fresher. It’s simple, whoever you think looks like they came out of the allotment last wins. The prize for the Freshest Fresher wilby a 2-week immunity from being DoD*.
Freshest Freshers – The candidates
Pronunciation does require a slight-to-strong northern twang
Aim Here Head Woods
An influx of commencing undergraduates this season provided hope that the Wblues would be the topic of gossip, rather than poorly written (and sung) covers of Ed Sheeran. Unfortunately, these newcomers have grown up quickly to a somewhat modest height.
But as any captain must, Aim here has put a target on her back for the default DoD shout. This was rationalised by the content of her Xmas dinner speech, which to the uninitiated would have seemed somewhat self-centred. I’m also told that the Wblues have written a biography about Aim here on a spreadsheet somewhere in the electronic aether.
After a rogue midweek fixture against the light reds (Aim here was on target and scored yet again on a Wednesday), the Wblues travel to Dereham this week. More importantly, they have curry night with the gentlemen of the 1derers.
Joe Root (no. 66)
After some great results in the summer, Root’s career has since been remarkably average. In the player rankings, Root lies outside the top 10 (Root’s not in my fantasy). However, it’s Roots’ Alexir of youth off the pitch that is irreplaceable to the team.
Despite questions about the performance of the team, Root parrys off these questions with each and doesn’t moen about the relentless chat about off-pitch endeavours. Whilst it has been an atypically quiet, and perhaps disappointing, few months for the team, Root continues to get with other teams and learn how the team can improve.
But form is temporary and class is permanent. CUHC media has no doubt Root wilby essential to the campaign.
The Nomads continue their season against North Norfolk. Although it will be tough against third in the league, three points would help widen the gap to the drop zone. England are 224-4 overnight.
A bit of a mystery. I know all their names, faces, hometowns, birthdays, positions and performance-related statistics, but what I don’t know what they do in their free time. However, with the exception of Bailes (Pryle is olde but still very fresh), on the balance of probability, they’re all pretty fresh. That’s not to say they aren’t invaluable assets to CUHC, but given the words I’ve said so far, I’m going to stop before I get reported.
The fresh bedouin host Bury St Edmunds this weekend. After a tough run out against the south last weekend, the Beds wilby looking to bounce back to Bedouinning ways.
Absolutely adorable. If he had a tail, he’d happily spend his days chasing it. He’s still in love with one direction. That’s the Alice band of boys that formed when I was in year 8, but this reference may be too old for our current crop of newcomers.
Now that anon. Ag has found a childhood sweetheart, he’d love to travel to South America and is currently saving up his pocket money for enough balloons to make the trip. I’ve not had the heart to tell him he’ll need around 6,000 helium-filled balloons.
After an extra week to charge the batteries, the veggie-powered Mblues host Dereham. A good job that it’s at Wilby because I’m not sure ZipCar have any electric cars in Cambridge for these green light blues.
When you talk about injury-prone, CUHC often thinks of Jallen or Sides struggling to make it to the starting cannon. Can’t beer has redefined this.
From failing to understand the effect of ethanol on GABA and glutamate sites, falling off his bike on the way to training, or adding the top of his finger to his latest culinary creation, he’s always a DoD shout … if he’s fit enough to play.
The Wanderers look to hold on to their champions league spot and invite the gentlemen of Sudbury to Wilberforce road. The Wanderers wilby looking for 3 more points as they ramp up their BDotY preparations.
Scampi itch hard
The squandies had several candidates. You love to see it. Gorgy made an early case but got sharked by a fellow Sidney squanderer who’s definitely been coaching. These two definitely make CUHC’s cutest couple. Frallen is also a shout, with PMB being a weekly calendar event on his phone. But Scampi Itch Hard wins the nomination.
Mr Itch Hard could possibly be the boldest fresher man has ever seen. He makes Impact look like Garamond, yet his understanding of the rules is in Windings.
Oh Wine Ore tonne
The perennial candidate. After promotion from the U14 development squad, Oh Wine continues to live in his own cloud of mystery.
Four years ago, he was pretending to be a 12-year old prodigy in IA Physics and a younger brother at swaps visiting Cambridge for the weekend. Two years ago, he got ID’d three times in Sainsbury’s for one bouteille of wine (in the aisle by a shelf-stacker, by a manager going for his dinner and at the checkout)…
Not much has changed. Four months ago he was ID’d for buying matches. These don’t even have an age restriction, but the bloke out the checkout wanted to check anyway.
It’s fair to say he won’t be winning Movember any time soon.
If you’re playing at Wilby this weekend, we encourage you to get down early for the beds & squandies or stay later for the Wandies. The Mblues Wilby in spoons at the close of play; the Wblues and 1dies will hopefully be cumin too unless they decide to have an early one and hit the pilau.
Vote for your freshest fresher below:
Who is the Freshest Fresher 2020?
- Can't Beer (34%, 17 Votes)
- Scampi Itch Hard (20%, 10 Votes)
- Anon. Ag (14%, 7 Votes)
- Oh Wine Ore Tonne (12%, 6 Votes)
- Aim Here Head Woods (10%, 5 Votes)
- Joe Root (no. 66) (8%, 4 Votes)
- The Bedouin (2%, 1 Votes)
Total Voters: 50
* Only available for participating teams. Offer must be activated before Sunday 19th January and isn’t valid on Wednesdays. To redeem you must have studied for at least one year at the University of Cambridge.