Weekend Preview – 14/03/20

Hello and welcome to CUHC news. While the WHO has announced a global pandemic, and Oxf*rd recovers from their second panicdemic in a month, we’ve discovered at the Wilberforce Road Zoo, a cross between a wanderer and a nomad. They call it a hybrid wanderer nomad. It has 22 legs, 22 eyes, 11 noses and 22 ears. On the astroturf, it has attacked (and defeated) a cross between a nomad and a wanderer (of similar physiology) via some handy stick skills and a horrible stench coming from its unwashed match shirts and anus. If you see this, please do not call 999 (they are busy with other things). Its last sightings have been between 5:30 and 7:30 on Monday evenings. Context is required, but sharing unconfirmed news reports about a hybrid gerbil badger would be toxic.

Now that that’s over…

If you’re a family member of someone in CUHC and you’re still reading these “weekend previews”, then I send you a huge congratulations. Why, might you ask? Indeed, you may ask Mister/Madame. For the weekend preview, does not, and never has, claimed to be written in English, nor has it claimed to make sense to a rational reader. (Parallels may be drawn with the *s coming out for the second half with a half-court press when you’re losing the game.) Instead, strictly adhered to convention dictates that CUHCers optionally adopt an unconventional, self-contradictory (but not paradoxical) style. 

Over the years in history, many laureates and clever people have attempted to understand the linguistics, etymology and other big words concerning the use of smaller words by median-sized people. At the first instance, I may perhaps think of the use of King Ptolemy V Epiphanes’ Rosetta Stone by Jean-François Champollion, the biblical work of John Wycliffe or simply understanding the thoughts of the Wanderers’ Miss Adeline tryout.

However, in this modern world, it is now the role of big data and multi-variable non-linear regression to recognise speech patterns without any apriori information. In recent years, reviews of its performance have been mixed. (Parallels to this may be drawn with the work of our beloved new club captain frantic shane when trying to understand black-white-black.)

But how good is it? A fair question. Hence, this week, I asked several members of CUHC, at varying stages of their Cantabridgian careers, to test their phones. Using five keywords (Hockey, Previews, Girls, Boys & Oxf*rd) as sentence starters to prompt the predictive text function on the devices at their Cockerills disposal, they inputted their choices to make a sentence. 

The question is, can you work out who’s phone wrote what?

  • Girls are the data for a week or two of them was dunking their face together btw if u wanna get the Jman log in the end is the best bit of luck to have!
  • Girls are so hard to get to know what they are all about you don’t know what to say about it fantasy hockey is the best for meeting these ladies and gentlemen who are in the bin and then it’s all trivial stuff.
  • Girls night at the start of hockey tomorrow morning and then we go home.

Who wrote these (Starter - Girls)?

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  • Boys get the updates so they can offer etc and all so will send soon for the nice weekend of all time for a while off in between myself and I broke the same line Mornington crescent and yet again.
  • Boys are you still awake haha is the evening evening for dinner tonight please let me know if you have any questions or if you want to come to pick up my dinner tonight
  • Boys are coming home tonight so I can get them back in the morning and then I’ll go home

Who's who (Starter - Boys)?

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  • Oxf*rd university hockey teammate Paul Sackey is the actual money for yesterday after all his 1st goal of his career as the premier inn of England.
  • Oxf*rd was a big win today and then I went back and then we had a big nap
  • Oxf*rd was a really nice night for dinner and a nice night with my friends.

Who's who (starter - Oxf*rd)?

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  • Hockey club are u gunna drive me to send it yet again sometime soon for a week or a bit better than walking back in time
  • Hockey game tomorrow and I don’t know how to get to him I don’t think I’ll probs leave a bit early and then I’ll go get ya stuff lol
  • Hockey is going to be amazing tomorrow morning and then we can go to see the kids
  • Hockey is going to be fun and I’m not sure what I can do to help you out with the other day
  • Hockey is a good fun game but I don’t think so much about the game I want to go back to my home.

Who's who (starter - Hockey)?

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  • Previews are the best person to be accepted by Mr. Tickle in camb sorry xx or just a big shout tbh
  • Previews are not gonna be great if you’re not gonna offer something for a pint of wine or a drink of watermelon because it’s not my first rodeo

Who's who (starter - review)

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In summary, these phones really don’t get it. I think it’s fair to say that Siri and Alexa would be Bedouin, aka fairly normal.

The answers will be published in next weekend’s preview (The year in Numbers, hype). P.S. These are all anagrams.

Its Gameweek

With BUCS over and done with, it was Atletico Nomadrid that took the East Leagues of Europe by storm. Having got a surprise result at the Wanderer Metropolitano, it was Oliviego Shearioné and her trusty sidekick who again won the tactical battle against Jurgeneral Baloppz and his Reds this Wednesday. After adsorbing great amounts of pressure during the game and some ‘tactical’ fouls, the Atleti Ultras proved to be pivotal in the game; the crowd got too much for some on the pitch. All in all, a snatch-and-grab goal at a set-piece was enough for Nomadrid to seal the victory against a red team with some quality academy talent. 

In the post-match analysis, CUHC-TV pundit & unsung hero Gina hoot Wuhan said, “It was clear Atleti went in with a plan. Catch it [the reds] on the break, bin it [the ball] in the goal and kill it on the Dfloor. So far they’ve executed their plan to perfection. I would love to see if they fully execute their plan, but I’m taking advice to avoid mass gatherings from Public Health England.”

After the game, a bitter Jurgeneral claimed, “I just don’t understand with the quality they have, why they play this kind of hockey… I just don’t understand it… but it’s right, the winner is always right.” In response, Shearioné said, “I’d rather play well than play cute. The war is won by the woman who best uses her soldiers. As a player it is easy. You only think of yourself. The coach has to think of everything, including the wind. Yet, always winning isn’t good, you must win fighting. Kirsten will be proud, this team is like her, she is a brave fighter.”

Despite Jurgeneral’s pessimistic post-match comments, it was a fantastic win for the Nomadrid in their fight for safety. On speaking about her team’s commitment, Shearioné said, “Effort is non-negotiable. Effort is the magic that makes success.” At their open training session today, Shearioné spoke about the quality of support from the ultras, “I want to tell you why these ladies won the game yesterday; because they played with all your hearts.”

In Europe’s East League’s 2nd tier competition, our light MBlues took on the Cam City Light Red’s. Sadly, Chris Kamara was covering the game, and so no one knows what happened. Rumour has it that our light blues got an upper second.

However, what we can confirm is that there are 6 more fixtures this weekend:

P.s. there’s a lot of anagrams this week. Was feeling cryptic.

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