The inevitable has arrived. The Webmaster’s chat has dried up. Hence in order to provide you with some reading and to save the planet, I’ve recycled one of the greatest weekend previews of all time.
To get myself in the mind of Mr Schwebster, I finished off Roberto’s ‘enhanced’ brownies and got writing about the most likely outcomes of the latest CUHC version of the Hunger games.
Survive until the very end. No one can leave the Wilberforce Road. Anything else goes.
Who would go first?:
After a big night out, Pope Amy I stumbles into the Wilberforce road car park. In full papal regalia, she unknowingly comes across devout David Gibson. Keen to avenge his ancestor’s murders by Mary Queen of Scots, David releases his inner Stag and asserts his dominance over to the arriving females. The pope is dead and our first victim has fallen.
Fearing for her own life, Bethan takes refuge in her car. This does not end well. The Wblues are down to 14. Meanwhile, after weeks of testing in the wasteland of Oxf*rd, Owain and Julian have locked themselves in the Arthur Marshall Room and are busy programming a nanovirus. They cultivate their virus inside hopeless fresher Kabir and set him wild. Operation “Top Dagger” is live.
Fresh Kabir, keen to still meet people, unknowingly starts transmitting the nanovirus in its incubation period. Excited by the prospect of meeting everyone for the first time, Fresh Kabir tries to impress the ladies and form an alliance by telling them he’s twenty-one. They are not impressed and turn against him. Fresh Kabir is stamped to death by the Nomads. The nanovirus dies with him.
Distraught by the outcome of their masterplan, Owain and Julian turn to a more conventional method in the East Leagues. They grab their hockey sticks and go chopping. Sadly, being a Compsci, Julian dies outside after 30 seconds due to overexposure to air and sunlight. Meanwhile, Owain slays down Seb and a frightened Bill tries to queff off to Homerton. Unknown to him, Kirky had decided enough is enough and the traditions of the past must be upheld. He hires fellow alumni and clay pigeon shooting blue Ferg Flan to snipe from one of the floodlights. The fleeing Bill gets hit in his average-sized chest. The resulting draft from tumbling Bill knocks over Jallen rendering him unconscious. Ally arrives just in time (well actually £2 late), and keen to claim his first strike, finishes off Jallen. Unfortunately, whilst celebrating, Ally gets hit by one of the new trial buses for the Adam’s road busway.
The Escapees have been eliminated… but who makes the final cut
Ferg, still unnoticed, continues his kill streak and takes out two of the Beds keepers. Keen to get involved, Kirky hides successfully amongst the freshers. He takes out Will Silver, who has been running around with his lethally sharp inhaler. However, Jim has returned from East Anglia’s answer to the lost city of Atlantis, Mundesley, and tries to protect the fresher’s welfare. Kirky challenges Jim to a one-on-one battle. Jim goes first and wrong-foots Kirky with his classic v-drag. Feeling like Adriano in the 2013 Champions League semi-final, Kirky tries to get one back at Arjim Robbinson, but panics. Turns out he really doesn’t want it and surrenders. Arjim spares him no mercy and eliminates him.
Outraged by Arjim’s lack of welfare, Izzy Austin goes on the rampage and flattens Arjim on her Ski’s. After eliminating nearly all the Men’s blues and most of the Wanderers, including Jefe who was googling the rules at the time, Izzy Austin falls foul of a cynical deliberate foot by last man Lewis Collins. Lewis and Chandler celebrate with a VK, but they’ve secretly been laced with additional alcohol by Sarah Alsaad. Consequently, the sugar and alcohol in the VK no longer counterbalance and both die of low blood sugar levels.
Meanwhile Flan, now without any ground reconnaissance, continues to eliminate fresher’s at will, leaving Bailes without any allies. However, the alumni’s stranglehold soon ends, for Flan forgets Spidertotton is back from his year abroad. Crawling incognito towards the control panel, Spidertotton switches on the lights, startling flan who falls to his death. Times have changed, and the alumni have gone.
The numbers are dwindling:
With Bailes now on her own, she looks to the depleted Nomads now just four strong with Sarah, Kirsten, Faith and Connie. The squanderers have lost just two, and having assessed his options, Campkin decides now would be a good time to start coaching.
Campkin decides it’s now or never and tries to explain the red press to give the squandies the upper hand. Realising that Campkin’s explanation doesn’t make any sense, Deme makes the 50:50 call to get rid of Campkin. He launches a rapid drag flick but misses and hits Tom Whitworth. This leaves Fraser in charge. Fed up with Tom’s diplomacy, Kim Jong-Frall-Un hires a Zipcar and orders the squandies to run alongside.
Borland has faith in her captain and they jointly command the remaining Nomads plus Bailes to charge the squanderers. Hiding in the bushes, Faith shouts the codeword “Freedom” and the nomads charge at Kim Jong-Frall-Un’s security detail. Still raging from the non-stop Wandies out of tune sing along during their trip to Nottingham, the Nomads release their anger on an unknowing bunch of squanderers. Sadly, their efforts are at the expense of Connie. It was not her day. Realising he had been conquered by the West, Kim Jong-Frall-un throws in the towel. He is left at the mercy of the pack. He dies with numerous CUHC Olympic records to his name, including the most tries in a season for the Bedouin.
It’s now late in the evening and it’s well past Owain’s bedtime. He falls asleep in Men’s changing room 3. Here, Tyler, assumed dead, has been hiding while Austin mowed down his body double, Greg. Tyler kills off Owain in his sleep and plans his final attack.
So Who’s left?
Bailes, Sarah, Kirsten and Faith have battled through. Monty and Shears are the only Wblues; they’ve used their Geography skills and realised that no one goes in changing room 7. They hide out there and do some colouring.
JP is dressed as Harry Leng. It goes to his head and starts using Aimbot. Soon enough he’s eliminating people at will with Ferg’s rifle. Tyler sees that our former president’s been shot and there’s nothing more to live for. He decides he might as well do a yard of Toma and pays the ultimate sacrifice.
This leaves us with Jean (who’s so old and so anti-social that all the fresher’s thought he was the groundsmen), Sarah, JP and Martha Hoult. She arrived on time but unnoticed after visa issues on her arrival from Girton. It’s now been too Leng since JP showed off his rig and he is forced to reveal his true colours. Sarah takes inspiration from Poison Ivy and quickly eliminates a shirtless male.
The twist and the end
This leaves us with a three-way battle. Stalemate is reached and Jean looks for the U20+1 Portsmouth Chess Champion for advice. Sadly, he took one for the team in eliminating MoM favourite Lizzie Jack before she could get going. However, in a sudden turn of events, Martha delivers on her week one preview status and unleashes her deathray and disposes of the senior WBlue.
This leaves us with Jean and Martha. The old vs. the new. However, unconfirmed reports say there may still be one mystery figure remaining too. Having been here before, Jean knows his best chance is to force Martha into the lift where he’ll have the uppercut. Martha wants to keep it out in the open where she can expose Jean’s lack of pace, which has decayed rapidly in age since the first edition.
Shbloke Jean tries to catch out the inexperienced Wblue by handing her a pre-duel hydrating beverage. He appeals strongly, but Umpire Lord Joel Sheldon Wilson, calls not-out… again. Jean, who lost his reviews in trying to dismiss Wandies Captain Ollie Rose with similar tactics, is in despair and pleads with the referee. The decision stands.
Now in a state of panic, Jean feels he must “do something crazy”. But wait! The rumours were true! They are not alone in the game! The fire exit bursts open and, once the dust has settled, an icy calm looking Emma Hatherell is revealed! She looks down at her blood-covered hands and cooly wipes them clean on her new Playerlayer kit, with Joe Root’s number smothered with blood. Jean and Martha look at one another in fear and disbelief, knowing that not one drop of that blood is Hatherell’s. Before either could react, the silent assassin pounces and takes out Jean. Jean screams foul play, but Root has Lord Wilson on her side. Jean is dismissed.
Matha looks up and sees that Emma, who has been hiding in the kit cupboard, has painstakingly unlocked the combination locks on the Mblues balls and has the new Wandies & Squandies saturns to hand.
Realising that Martha needs these Saturns for her intergalactic deathray (aka the flat part of the back of the stick low angle swing shot), she takes the battle inside the clubhouse. Martha knows that Hatherell’s ammo won’t be as much use in confined spaces and the clubhouse maze provides the best opportunity to steal some ammo. But Hatherell is having none of it.
As Martha tries to lure Hatherell away from the ammunition, Hatherell is not fooled. She has done her research on the new CUHC website. She walks calmly up the stairs and starts unscrewing the now old glass honours boards. After 4 minutes and 59 seconds, Martha emerges. Her eyes light up and she sprints for the now unguarded Saturns, only to find Hatherell waiting with a perfectly-shaped shard of glass. The last thing Martha sees is the 2019 Men’s varsity result: X-X.
Martha falls to the ground and leaves Hatherell champion. Congratulations Emma.
Any other Business
It’s very disappointing that I’ve received no match reports this week. This must end now, otherwise, I wilby forced to name and shame people like Ollie Rose who owe me two match reports.
With Hantian Wang now leading the Fantasy Hockey, it’s time to make your changes here. Please note that you wilby deducted 10 points for an ineligible team. The teams are set according to the draft and not according to the actual team sheets. This would be too much admin.
Oh and there’s some hockey this weekend:
|Mblues||Cam City 2s||A (H P1)||14:30||LDWDL|
|Wandies||Waltham Forest 1s||H (P2)||12:30||LWWWL|
|Nomads||Cam. City 3s||A (H P1)||11:30||WDLLD|
|Squandies||Bourne Deeping||H (P3)||11:00||WWWWW|