The Weekend Preview: One to stash away for reference…

With the Michaelmas term now well underway, things have started to calm day. With no big social gatherings to talk about, there were slim pickings in the form of ‘chat’. To add insult to the rather large injury list, I had a week full of events, but it was still quite uneventful. Nonetheless, I’m required to write some words, and so I shall do so. 

Stash

For this week’s weekend preview, I teamed* up with our Kit Secs in order to discuss the big question. How should you be adorning yourself in the correct shade of blue?
The 2019/20 season has brought the arrival of a centralised kit deal, and a wealth of new stash items. Thankfully, after much negotiation, CUHC has been able to keep the golden lion whilst the red tiger continues to be the most unpopular animal at the Zoo.

By my calculations, this brings the number of different variants on the correct shades of blue, that a CUHC member can dress themselves in, is now fifteen**. Not quite fifty shades of grey, but light blue is way more sexy if you ask me.

With a large array of items available to purchase, it can be difficult to make the correct purchase. Given how very fresh dear young Kan’t beer is, I thought it’d be wise to help you little freshlings with a comprehensive review of the items available for purchase.

JMAN Water Bottle

Alternative Name: The Vessel

Most Likely to Wear it: H20

What our Kit Secs Say*: Stay Hydrated

What the General Says: CUHC’s answer to the royal worcester commemorative plates. The value of this item has only soared in recent years as silly freshers have lost, damaged or neglected.

Playing Shorts

Alternative Name: The Filo Pastry

Most Likely to Wear it: Freshers – don’t have the thicker ones

What our Kit Secs Say*: “We had to make them this thin for characterisation in the Field Emission Gun Transmission Electron Microscope” Anon. Phys Natsci Kit Sec Fresher

What the General Says: It is translucently clear that the designer must like a wet T-shirt competition

Playing Skort

Alternative Name: The most perplexing piece of clothing I’ve ever seen

Most Likely to Wear it: Women (except at pub golf & when Sean forgets his shorts at Varsity)

What our Kit Secs Say*: Skirts must be worn on the knee and not of high waisted style. The only revealing thing on the pitch should be how bad *UHC are at hockey

What the General Says: Second only to the spork, the skort is perhaps the most bizarre invention known to womankind.

Playing Shirt

Alternative Name: The Vacuum Pack

Most Likely to Wear it: Everyone, it’s our playing kit silly

What our Kit Secs Say*: “We’ve got new stash, since when??” Anon. Kit Sec Fresher

What the General Says: A not so subtle change in aspect ratio will flatter the Campkins of this world, and just make it even more obvious that Sides deliberately ordered a size too small

Playing Socks

Alternative Name: Pure Utter Filth

Most Likely to Wear them: JP – Always skipping leg day, needs to cover them up

What our Kit Secs Say*: Flare. Most likely to die by Velcro

What the General Says: I can’t wait to play in Green/White/Green

Weather Layer

Alternative Name: The thing at the bottom of your bag

Most Likely to Wear them: Bill – Proper Wet when he’s not Queffing

What our Kit Secs Say*: Probably only need it for away days (It doesn’t rain in Cambridge). Hence should get it half price

What the General Says: When we “always sh*t on the dark blue and white”, you’ll have something to keep yourself clean.

Puffer

Alternative Name: The Post-christmas paunch coverup

Most Likely to Wear them: Bamy – actually no chat here, they’re just always in padded vests with sleeves

What our Kit Secs Say*: The ideal piece of stash when you’ve had a few too many over christmas, but it’s cold and so a legitimate piece of clothing

What the General Says: “The first down jacket, then known as an “eiderdown coat”, was designed by Australian chemist George Finch for the 1922 Everest expedition and made by SWill Silver and Co. It was bright green, composed of hot-air balloon fabric.” – Crikey, I thought the delay on last year’s stash was long, but 97 years…

Bench Coat 

Alternative Name: The obscene one

Most Likely to Wear them: Darrel & Kieran – Wannabe CBans

What our Kit Secs Say*: “Finally human bubble-wrap to protect me from my inhaler” – pretty obvious

What the General Says: Definitely don’t need it but I’ve never been more excited to start off as a sub

Trench coat

Alternative Name: The one when you order the wrong size Weather Layer

Most Likely to Wear them: Whitworth – Fits him like a rain coat

What our Kit Secs Say*: Surplus to requirement

What the General Says: The most unnecessary piece of clothing imaginable. Will probably be the most popular item

Trackies

Alternative Name: The Tiger Pants

Most Likely to Wear them: shCUHC (aka CURUFC)

What our Kit Secs Say*: Yeah, we’ve shadmined this, but not as bad as Paddy

What the General Says: The Red Tiger shall never grace the Wilberfortress

Alice Band

Alternative Name: The tourniquet for your forehead

Most Likely to Wear them: Seb + our other members of No Direction

What our Kit Secs Say*: We do not condone the use of unofficial stash items

What the General Says: You look a rite plonker! Your hair isn’t that long and if it gets too long I’ve got a bowl with your name on it

Club tie

Alternative Name: The social passport

Most Likely to Wear them: Gibbo – PMA afficianado

What our Kit Secs Say*: Everytime, you go on a social, it is customary to unintentionaly spill a beverage on this piece of cloth

What the General Says: Why are these made out of silk? Polyester holds the knot so much better

Beanie

Alternative Name: The Shlid Hider

Most Likely to Wear them: CBan – Although more likely to perch on his head like a bird rather than wear it like a model

What our Kit Secs Say*:
‘Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a bobble on it,
if you like it, then you shoulda put a bobble on it,
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it,
If you like it, then you shoulda put a bobble on it,
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh…

What the General Says: Capable of masking any Shlid, an essential piece of stash for any CUHC bloke. Useful stylish fashion accessory for women

Cap

Alternative Name: The “Brooklyn Style”

Most Likely to Wear them: Owaine – Completes the schoolboy look

What our Kit Secs Say*: “What I wear when I need to pull” – someone who has access to the website

What the General Says: To be guarded with great care. Occ*sionally found in the wrong pair of hands. Infr*quently have their names in them.

*Please note, the Kit Secs offered nothing, so I envisaged what they might say…

**15 shades: A light blue VK, Wandies Tie, Squandie/CUHC Tie, Beds 2018 Varsity Rucksack, Beanie, Cap, Chamois Grip, Blues Blazer, Arge’s Blues Blazer, Blue Socks, New shirt, old shirt, old old shirt (Kurki), Old blue fleeces (First adopted by WBlues circ. 2015), new stash (surprisingly all the same colour).

Fantasy Hockey

This weekend brings us the Re-draft. For those of you that don’t know what this means, you get to pick a whole new team, free of charge, with a vast array of fresh talent now at your disposal.

The draft wilby finalised by 13:00:00 BST today. It is important to note that the draft is not representative of selection policy (this is just fun!). I did think about assigning prices, but my algorithm valued Tyler at minus 3 million minutes, and I didn’t think that was fair.

Fresher’s can enter a team from now too. I’ll give you the same number of points as the lower quartile of the current standings for previous weeks. That should put you well out of reach of Totton.

Please see the draft here, and can everyone please submit your team here

The Hockey

The Men’s Blues welcome East London to the Wilberfortress this weekend. After a rough time of it last week, the Blues wilby looking to bounce back with the full support of the Cambridge United Ultras, having reciprocated their kind offer of free tickets for their match against Grimsby Town.

The Wanderer’s travel this week to the large church on high ground, Upmunstra (1086 Doomsday Book). Having had a pleasant surprise that this year’s BUCS hockey will actually be against teams who play hockey, the gentlemen of the Wanderer’s wilby looking to write Wednesday’s wrong and put some goals past a team near the bottom of the table.

The Nomad’s host Norwich Dragon’s this weekend at the Wilberfortress. With Emma Hatherell (#66) having been drafted to Trent Rocket’s last week, the Nomad’s wilby looking to get a positive result against a team who have had some good results in recent week. 

Posing for her latest album in a tragic boy band…

With half the men’s side wrapping themselves in Cabbage before the weekend, the Squanderer’s remains quite fresh. Still unbeaten and riding high in the table, they travel to Ely which is famed for its cathedral. This got me very excited about a dreaming spires gag, but on further reading, it appears that after the abbey was destroyed in 870 by Danish invaders, Æthelwold of Winchester decided to have turrets. A very wise and less painful choice. 

It is also worthwhile mentioning the cathedral does have an octagon… @Ollie Rose?

Also at the Wilberfortress are the Bedouin. With a pile of freshers, captain Emily Bailey has been speaking to the fat spanish waiter (Rafa Benitez, yes I’m a toffee) about his tips for squad rotation. I’m not quite sure what tips there are to glean, as there’s only 2π radians before you get back to the start. 

Last but not fewest, our Women’s Blues travel to Norwich City. After a tough result against CoP, the Wblues are fighting fit and ready to claim another big 3 pointer. 

Best of luck to everyone this weekend, and have fun at the Full club swap. Sadly Cameron Diaz is unable to attend, but he sends his best wishes.

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