The Weekend Preread – 19/10/19

For those of you that live in isolated, far away places, you will be shocked to realise that the internet has been down over the last few weeks. This was not the fault of computers, but the fault of the law. The law is not very nice and would not let us prove that we own our own address. This made me, and other members of the md369 society sad.

A broken internet has sent shockwaves around the global financial markets.
Data: Google, Analysis: CUHC markets

In preparation for tackling the law, I decided it would be best to learn to be a lawyer. It turns out this involves a lot of reading. Having now read the Law, I can tell you the law is very fresh; it says some very silly things. For example, in 1322, King Edward Tyler II introduced a law that all wisbeched whales and sturgeons must be offered to the reigning monarch. I thought it was worthwhile mentioning this given the recent arrival of a school of freshers to CUHC. with a keen set of anglers perched ready on the balcony at Wilby. Since 1872, it’s also been illegal to be drunk in a Pub, which is why Jamès Campikonès is found in the bin around the back.

Nevertheless, despite the laws misgivings, we persisted and ‘the saga’ is now mostly over. Please note the change in web address, to, because now that I know the Law, we’re more of an organisation than a company. I don’t think we can register as a charity, because we aren’t a ‘community amateur sports clubs’ despite our commitment to including the many and not the less.

With this news, I thought I’d send a large weekend preview. However, at the time of writing I was interupted by numerous CUHC members wanting to learn how to use LaTeX. For those of you new to CUHC, I get very excited at the prospect of LaTeX, CSS files and the thought of using an index(match()), etc. With King Edward Tyler XX+I getting fed up of colouring in, he decided to produce a fine paper with some assistance. Please note he warmly welcomes any correspondences via the email provided. 

On the topic of science and all things technology, today marks 132 years since Gustav Kirchoff died. For the unaware, he managed to get a law named after him for basically saying what comes in must come out. However, in a major breakthrough, Fergus McJudus and JT Thomas show in their soon to be published faeces that this fails in the case of Lifts. In their work, it wilby shown that when two go in, only a victor comes out.

But enough filler for now. With a wealth of match reports having built up over the last few weeks, I’ll give you all a brief summary of what has been happening…

The Social Life 

The first whole club swap was a large (successful) one. With the event being run on a tight schedule by our chief Social sec Seb Shaw, all attendees turned up bright and early. In retrospect, it might have been a little too early, and some attendees got tired early on into the evening and so headed home sooner than expected. With Patricio immobilised in a kneeling position, and a certain nomad followsing ginger haired members of CUHC around the cloob, the rest of CUHC attended our favourite Morrocan Joint.

Being Old, I had personally intended not to attend, but after a nearly thorough clean of Hawks’, it seemed rude to not venture inside. Whilst many freshers had sadly attended their minor college events, those that did prioritise correctly had a cracking time. There were Harley any events in the evening of note, but some fresher’s evening’s evidently had a cloud with a Silver lining. 

Predictions for the most ‘fun’ team in CUHC

Normally, at this point, it is easy to ascertain which team is going to be the most ‘fun’ this year. However, this year it seems a close race. With no social last weekend to consolidate my hypotheses, the only reasonable option I had was to examine the cloob photos from last weekend.

I chose to scour the photos of Life for any CUHC members. Life was chosen because of its favourable lighting for identifying people. A count was recorded for each identifying feature of a distinct CUHC member present in a photo. This favoured Frankie (wearing a west-african inspire Teepee), millijoules (a very boring but surprisingly unique two tone T-shirt), Frallen (Shlid) and Sarah (now available for 5 p at your nearest high-end supermarket). Note, Niels (there was only one present) was counted as an honorary squanderer.

The Funmads won

From the results, it is quite clear the Nomads are quite fun. Perhaps even so much to reclaim the title ‘funmads’. For those of you claiming that I am indeed overcomplimenting the funmads, then I could do with someone to look through the Fez photos to corroborate my findings.

Meanwhile, the Blues need to sort themselves out. At CUHC, as our new welfare document states, there is no pressure to do anything you don’t want to do. However, recent unconfirmed anecdotal qualitative studies have suggested that having fun can make you smile and happy. Given our Blues captain’s currently have a combined Fantasy Points score of 0 (as players), a pinch of fun might do wonders.

Fantasy Hockey 


Here at CUHC, we endeavour to find new metrics by which to assess both on and off the pitch performance. I couldn’t think of anything worthwhile this week, but in my quest to find new metrics via dimensional analysis, I did find this which made me chuckle. Subsequently, I found that adding 3/2 Barn-Megaparsec of sugar to my coffee made a world of a difference.

Nonetheless, Fantasy hockey has provided me with a wealth of data by which to start building models to predict how teams will do in Varsity. Sadly, *UHC don’t seem to be offering any data, but I reckon if I take the mean of our 10th decile (Amy, Tyler amongst others), it will match exactly with their upper quartile.

Thankfully, alumni Matt Diesel and Jervis have done some reconnaissance for me. Diesel watching from afar struggled to locate those in the wrong shade of blue, because they’ve taken a second guess at the correct shade being white. Eliminated. However, he eventually located the Oxf*rd Wblues in their sunday league fixture by finding the local chat minima on the pitch. 

Meanwhile, Jerv was less subtle about it and just played for them. He’s yet to offer any intel, but I assume he’s still recovering from how 10th decile they were.

Team of the season so far…

Accounting for double points weekends etc., the best legitimate team achieved without making any changes would have accrued 593 pts. As many will point out, the points system doesn’t account for the invaluable contribution of the assist. 

The redraft

Yes, you’ve heard the rumours correctly. The redraft is coming but not quite yet. Given that I don’t know any of the new freshers, and I like to sleep from time to time, the plan is to bring the re-draft for next weekend. I’ve got in touch with Batty, and she promises to give us another gem. If not I’ll improvise… This will give us the chance to get all their names correct and find out where they are playing despite probably arriving as a defender.

@Freshers, you may enter teams if you wish, I highly recommend. I’ll give you a boost with the lower quartile number of points from the season so far. That’ll put you way out of sight of Totton…

Reality Hockey

Because this article is called a weekend preview, it requires me to provide a preview of the forthcoming weekend. I realise that many of you do not read the weekend preview to get a preview of the weekend, but some people wish to read about what they are about to view this weekend and I must therefore include a pre-read for them to view.

With the Funmads having beaten an above average Oxf*rd side 4-0 on Wednesday, the weekend looks light (blue). It’s fair to say there was some foul language on the Sidesline, with the O work featuring far too often. This is not acceptable. CUHC media have taken the decision to issue guidance prior to the next fixture against *UHC.

This Weekend, our Men’s Blues travel to Chelmsford to take on a team with a mixed record. Chelmsford is twinned with Wuxi, China. Wuxi is chinese for “without tin”. With this in mind, we’d like to remind Mr Phillips that a friday night should be Wuxinies.

After a huge three points on the road last weekend, the Women’s blues welcome City of Peteborough, CoP, to the Wilberfortress. Lying 2nd in the table, this could be a tough day at the office for our Blues. Interestingly, Peterborough is twinned with Vinnytsia, Ukraine. First appearing in 1363, it was derived from the old slavic word for “given as a gift”. We have no doubt Shears will know what to do when the ball is Vinnytsia to her on the back post.

The Wanderer’s 1s welcome Havering to Wilby. Hav(er)ing won both games last weekend, the Wandies will be looking to make it three from three (99.9999%). Havering is a London borough, so it doesn’t have any twins. However, I am told that at least 29.7% of residents travel to work by car alone, which means they probably don’t enjoy chat.

The Nomads this week travel away to CoP, to the famous Dalrod sports ground. Dalrod draining solutions specialise in rapid response for your drainage problems. Hence, we know who to call if Czink gets non-allergic rhinitis. CoP 2s have won 50% of their games, but if they end up on the same goal difference as our Nomads by the end of the day, we wilby happy.

Last but not fewest, the Squandies and Beds travel away to Cambridge and Dereham respectively. The Squandies are playing at Long Road, which is interesting only about 3.5×1011 Beard-Seconds.  Dereham is twinned with Caudebec-lès-Elbeuf, just south or Rouen, France, but Brooksy already knew this. I have no doubt the beds wilby lovely and polite, but I really hope they Rouen Dereham HC’s day. 

That’s it from me. See you next week with another big social (Dbl points weekend) and the big re-draft. Don’t forget about the fantastic bake-off evening organised by Izzy and Jim where we’ll by watching the GDBO final!

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