With Jeremy Corbyn calling for a time of reflection, and the fact I’m truly missing the opportunity to fire below-average chat from the starting cannon, I thought I’d spend the evening writing a mid-season report for CUHC.
The Big Success
CUHC’s online presence continues to thrive. Whilst I’m still persuading Totton to go premium on Spotify, you all seem to be loving the website at 5:00 PM every Friday.
However, it’s not just you and your parents that enjoy our niche dialect. It appears our conversational style is appreciated further afield…
It appears that we also have 911 views from the “European Union”. I’m not sure where this is because each country has its’ own count too (not their sum either). Hence I can only assume that it’s all those MEPs and Junker looking for something entertaining to do when the Verhofstadt/Farage live show isn’t in town.
Elsewhere, we have 22 views from China (home of the World’s worst VPN server), 347 views from Deme’s family, 20+1 views from Saudi Arabia (Abdullah bin Musa’ad bin Abdulaziz Al Saud is looking for a big English club to buy, unlike his current one) and 4 from Finland (Fresher Sanna Mirella Marin still trying to find out where all her important debrief’s Wilby).
|Weekend Preview – 26/09/19||346||14 carrot|
|One to stash away for reference…||295||Fools Gold|
|The CUHC Masters (17/11/19)||257||18 carrot|
|Collins x Webmaster (23/11/19)||250||Just niche|
|The Weekend Preread (19/10/19)||206||14 carrot|
|Tenmas Dinner Preview (30/11/19)||194||24 carrot|
|The Papers (07/12/19)||194||22 carrot|
|It’s a banger (09/11/19)||190||18 carrot|
|Weekend Preview 02/11/19||181||14 carrot|
|Fresher’s dictionary||159||24 carrot|
|Weekend Preview – 14/09/19||86||14 carrot|
|So long, fair well, aufwiedersehen, good bye…||28||14 carrot|
I cannot believe the fresher’s dictionary only has 159 views.
Finally, I could make a joke about length, but that would just be toxic:
Beyond my wildest fantasy
I’m absolutely delighted to see that Fantasy Hockey has taken off. Congratulations to Em’n’EM on winning the Michaelmas term league. You may collect your prize next term.
For everyone else, don’t forget that next term there are two sets of winners! One for the most points in Lent term, and the overall winner. Details about a “re-pick” Wilby announced in due course…
|Em’n’EM||Emily Bailey & Emilia||1365|
|When Harry met Ally||Patrick Leong-Son||1352|
|Defs, queffs and schweffs||Hantian Wang||1319|
|Kiss Me – Ed Shear(s)an||Seb Shaw||1274|
|Whitworth’s Car Crash||Henry Pulver||1272|
|Emma Preston North End||Owain Houghton||1257|
|Houghton hears a who||Ally Macdonald||1228|
|Ollie Rosenborg||Jason Allen||1220|
|Dickens’ sons||Thomas Whitworth||1212|
|Leng tings||Jack England||1204|
But for now, let’s look at the statistics and answer some important questions, albeit with a priori answers:
- It’s not just the water, people, food, chat, life etc. that’s better in the North:
- The arithmetic mean number of points per player:
|Position||Across some water||North||South|
Quiz: What are the other two lines? (answers at bottom)
- We’re also more popular in the north:
- The arithmetic mean number of picks per player:
|Position||Across some water||North||South|
- The Squanderers are the best team in CUHC:
- Dear Harold, active management is important, which is why you lie in 30th.
- This is also why 74% of assets in the UK are actively managed. [Source: Asset management in the UK 2017-2018, The Investment Association Annual Survey, September 2018]
Whilst at CUHC, the team performance is important, it’s also nice to recognise personal achievement:
Top 5 players in each team
With this in mind, it is my pleasure to announce the team of the season-so-far:
Stick skills on the rise
In other news, hockey is going quite well. With BDotY just 63 days away, the teams Wilby taking the winter break as a chance to rest up, hit the gym, eat highly nutritional food and drink water.
The Squandies keep their 100% winning record in the East Leagues, the 1derers Wans are still in a Champions League spot and are in a strong position to stay up in BUCS. Elsewhere, after much delay, the Men’s’ Blues have remembered how to play hockey, and are now joint 2nd in East League Prem A (technically 4th on GD). In BUCS, I’m told they’re doing pretty well, but I’ve not got enough spare time to wait for the app to load.
On the Ladies side, the WBlues also find themselves on an upward trajectory in both their campaigns. The Captain has already sent out her “January Preseason” demands and is looking to set her stall out for a strong 2nd half to the season.
The Yesmads look more and more comfortable by the day in East Leagues 1N, lying just 7 pts off fourth-place St Neots in a very tight division, and have conceded the third-fewest goals in the league. Again BUCS is a bit of a mystery, but I’ll guess they’ve won some, lost some and maybe drawn some.
Finally, our beloved Bedouin find themselves 4 points off the danger zone. Having watched them play, I don’t think this is a fair reflection but as with all university teams, and as Sir Dave Brailsford would say, we’re targeting a ‘negative split’. Speaking to the joint assistant and joint head coach Bill Taylor about the situation he said “Our target all season has been to have a negative split. Team Bedouin have been working hard, and now it’s time to focus on some marginal gains, such as scoring more goals than the opposition.”
With the round-up all done, the only thing left to say is that I hope you have a very merry Christmas and a delightfully happy new year.
Answers: The top line traces the path of the Antonine Wall (circ. 142 AD), the bottom line traces the path of Hadrian’s Wall (circ. 122 AD).