The best term reports aren’t on CamCORS

With Jeremy Corbyn calling for a time of reflection, and the fact I’m truly missing the opportunity to fire below-average chat from the starting cannon, I thought I’d spend the evening writing a mid-season report for CUHC.

The Big Success

CUHC’s online presence continues to thrive. Whilst I’m still persuading Totton to go premium on Spotify, you all seem to be loving the website at 5:00 PM every Friday.

However, it’s not just you and your parents that enjoy our niche dialect. It appears our conversational style is appreciated further afield…

@Sponsors – CUHC has a truly global reach. Fancy funding our Spotify Premium? Source – WordPress

It appears that we also have 911 views from the “European Union”. I’m not sure where this is because each country has its’ own count too (not their sum either). Hence I can only assume that it’s all those MEPs and Junker looking for something entertaining to do when the Verhofstadt/Farage live show isn’t in town.

Elsewhere, we have 22 views from China (home of the World’s worst VPN server), 347 views from Deme’s family, 20+1 views from Saudi Arabia (Abdullah bin Musa’ad bin Abdulaziz Al Saud is looking for a big English club to buy, unlike his current one) and 4 from Finland (Fresher Sanna Mirella Marin still trying to find out where all her important debrief’s Wilby).

Weekend PreviewViewsQuality
Weekend Preview – 26/09/1934614 carrot
One to stash away for reference…295Fools Gold
The CUHC Masters (17/11/19)25718 carrot
Collins x Webmaster (23/11/19)250Just niche
The Weekend Preread (19/10/19)20614 carrot
Tenmas Dinner Preview (30/11/19)19424 carrot
The Papers (07/12/19)19422 carrot
It’s a banger (09/11/19)19018 carrot
Weekend Preview 02/11/1918114 carrot
Fresher’s dictionary15924 carrot
Weekend Preview – 14/09/198614 carrot
So long, fair well, aufwiedersehen, good bye…2814 carrot

I cannot believe the fresher’s dictionary only has 159 views.

Finally, I could make a joke about length, but that would just be toxic:

Quantity not quality

Beyond my wildest fantasy

I’m absolutely delighted to see that Fantasy Hockey has taken off. Congratulations to Em’n’EM on winning the Michaelmas term league. You may collect your prize next term.

For everyone else, don’t forget that next term there are two sets of winners! One for the most points in Lent term, and the overall winner. Details about a “re-pick” Wilby announced in due course…

FranchiseOwnerPoints
Em’n’EMEmily Bailey & Emilia1365
When Harry met AllyPatrick Leong-Son1352
Defs, queffs and schweffsHantian Wang1319
Kiss Me – Ed Shear(s)anSeb Shaw1274
Whitworth’s Car CrashHenry Pulver1272
Emma Preston North EndOwain Houghton1257
Houghton hears a whoAlly Macdonald1228
Ollie RosenborgJason Allen1220
Dickens’ sonsThomas Whitworth1212
Leng tingsJack England1204

But for now, let’s look at the statistics and answer some important questions, albeit with a priori answers:

  • It’s not just the water, people, food, chat, life etc. that’s better in the North:
    • The arithmetic mean number of points per player:
PositionAcross some waterNorthSouth
GK19 32
Def393932
Mid223130
Fwd34234
All positions263831
Proof that in Lancashire they teach us reet: The South is average to below-average and Yorkshire is mostly landfill. We assumed the worst that other regions had gone to Oxf*rd.

Quiz: What are the other two lines? (answers at bottom)

  • We’re also more popular in the north:
    • The arithmetic mean number of picks per player:
PositionAcross some waterNorthSouth
Gk0 8
Def8128
Mid966
Fwd4226
All positions7147
  • The Squanderers are the best team in CUHC:
I feel this is a little harsh, but I’d like to point out that very wholesome songs have been sung about the Wblues (ft. Ed Sheeran), IFLTN, and the Beds are very fresh so give them time.
  • Dear Harold, active management is important, which is why you lie in 30th.
    • This is also why 74% of assets in the UK are actively managed. [Source: Asset management in the UK 2017-2018, The Investment Association Annual Survey, September 2018]

Whilst at CUHC, the team performance is important, it’s also nice to recognise personal achievement:

Top 5 players in each team

SqsAllen
(103)
MacDonald
(73)
Milner
(72)
Pulver
(68)
Bealey
(64)
1sLeong-Son
(78)
Collins
(77)
Toby II
(62)
Chandler
(60)
Houghton
(57)
MBsJean
(69)
JP
(63)
Leng
(58)
Sides
(57)
Duckers
(51)
BdsBailey
(44)
Smith
(32)
Clarke
(32)
Cutter
(25)
Caul
(25)
YmdsAlsaad
(60)
Davies
(56)
Harley
(44)
Lara G
(39)
Follows
(37)
WBsHordern
(53)
Monty
(48)
Jack
(48)
Lomas
(37)
Stoner
(37)

With this in mind, it is my pleasure to announce the team of the season-so-far:

The Dream Team.
Disclaimer: Mostly RNG between 0-50 or 50-100.

Stick skills on the rise

In other news, hockey is going quite well. With BDotY just 63 days away, the teams Wilby taking the winter break as a chance to rest up, hit the gym, eat highly nutritional food and drink water.

The Squandies keep their 100% winning record in the East Leagues, the 1derers Wans are still in a Champions League spot and are in a strong position to stay up in BUCS. Elsewhere, after much delay, the Men’s’ Blues have remembered how to play hockey, and are now joint 2nd in East League Prem A (technically 4th on GD). In BUCS, I’m told they’re doing pretty well, but I’ve not got enough spare time to wait for the app to load.

On the Ladies side, the WBlues also find themselves on an upward trajectory in both their campaigns. The Captain has already sent out her “January Preseason” demands and is looking to set her stall out for a strong 2nd half to the season.

The Yesmads look more and more comfortable by the day in East Leagues 1N, lying just 7 pts off fourth-place St Neots in a very tight division, and have conceded the third-fewest goals in the league. Again BUCS is a bit of a mystery, but I’ll guess they’ve won some, lost some and maybe drawn some.

Finally, our beloved Bedouin find themselves 4 points off the danger zone. Having watched them play, I don’t think this is a fair reflection but as with all university teams, and as Sir Dave Brailsford would say, we’re targeting a ‘negative split’. Speaking to the joint assistant and joint head coach Bill Taylor about the situation he said “Our target all season has been to have a negative split. Team Bedouin have been working hard, and now it’s time to focus on some marginal gains, such as scoring more goals than the opposition.”

TeamLeague PositionPlayedWonLostDrawnGD
WBs10th11362-7
MBs4th126334
Ns10th12255-3
Ws4th13751-1
Bs10th11352-18
Sqs1st11110035

With the round-up all done, the only thing left to say is that I hope you have a very merry Christmas and a delightfully happy new year.

Answers: The top line traces the path of the Antonine Wall (circ. 142 AD), the bottom line traces the path of Hadrian’s Wall (circ. 122 AD).

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