Sports Personality of the Year Awards 2019 Script:
Gabby Logan: “And now we must turn our attention to the final award of the night, Do(Decade). This prize goes to the person who has produced the most outrageous behaviour in the final week of Cambridge University Hockey Club’s Saturday matches in 2010s. Niche, we know.
Clare Balding: Tonight’s award will be jointly presented CUHC’s WBlues Captain Amy Edwards and Squanderer’s Captain Tom Whitworth. Both have been instrumental in the recipient’s nomination and facilitated her development into a questionably fun third year.
Gary Lineker: Having fought of stiff competition from Mollie for oversleeping and Bethan for peeing in the street post Cindies (REPEAT OFFENCE), tonight’s winner will have upset the bookies, as she has only won the normal Dod award once previously in her CUHC career (for her love of the Squandies). But after a wild Christmas Dinner in Cindies and major Friday Night PMB, please put your hands together for our winner…. #### ###[Do(Decade) receives the award to music inspired by the Christmas Dinner Speech of 2018 by ex-Squandies Captain Owain Houghton]: “We’re in love with the Women’s Blues, and we really hate Oxf*rd too”
Anon Do(Decade): I am honoured and surprised to have won this award. Third year has been the year of the Amy (anon WBlues vice captain), and so for me to win Do(Decade) in her place is somewhat of a shock. Yet we both share a love for a certain men’s third team, especially when a few VKs have been chopped. She has led the way in showing the WBlues how reciprocate the Squandies’ affection as mentioned in the 2018 speech to which I came up on stage. In fact Dr Love shows that while the Women’s Blues in general only have a 64% love for the squanderers (Figure 1), el captain and myself have taken this to a whole new level at 83% (Figure 2). She has also been the most frequent winner of the DoD award in the first half of the current season and I have been inspired to take up this honourable pursuit, bonus if it’s for loving the Squandies.
I would also like to thank the Squanderers Captain for his top selection of 3rd XI this year. On the pitch this excellent team have inspired other players in CUHC, remaining unbeaten in East Hockey Leagues in 2019 and only suffering defeat on what turned out to be WDOTY. Hopefully the WBlues will manage to replicate the Squandie blueprint in 2020 (with the exception of the Varsity loss).
They have been scoring plenty of times a match in the first half of the 2019/2020 season, 47 goals to be precise (if my maths is correct). I have managed 1 in my CUHC career, so only 46 to go to catch up this season alone. Not that my accuracy in front of goal in the 10am start will improve if my main match day aim has to be not to vomit on the pitch after attending Snowball til 4.30am (not that this affected an anon Squanderers captain’s efforts at 11.30am!)
As mentioned earlier, this is not the only success the Squandies have been having – indeed without the scoring of the Oldest Squandie post Christmas Dinner, I wouldn’t be here today.
***Do(Decade) does a Miranda side eye at the camera as she reminisces***: If only the event were still at Wilby and permitted the Squandies lap***
Anyway, I will make sure that this award goes on my desk to remind me of what is my greatest achievement to date. I hope not to continue this DoD form into 2020 and pass on the baton to other fun WBlues, while also aspiring to score like the Squandies. Goodnight everyone!
Gary Lineker: Well that was the weirdest speech we’ve ever had for the weirdest award we’ve ever seen
Gabby Logan: DON’T LET HER ANYWHERE NEAR THE VKs!
For the benefit of those who will be meeting the squanderers at swaps this term (or already have but are suffering from amnesia) this might help you get to know them better. Here is an update on what the squanderers have (probably) been up to over the holidays.
Thomas Whitworth (c) – Playing Hockey
After a very successful 2019 with the squanders, Tom climbed back up the beanstalk to the land of the giants. Determined not to let the performances slip, he trains with his family, even on Christmas day. Maybe this year he’ll have beaten his previous record of 2 family members sent to A&E.
Ally Macdonald (vc) – Killing indiscriminately
Be it frogs, toads, or newts, no amphibian is safe. Armed with a hockey stick to do the damage and earn DoD. Did you know that newts are a type of salamander, and sometimes kept as pets?
Fraser Allen (SS) – ???
Records are short for this. We must start on January 1st when Frallen awakes in a bush alongside the Cam. The wreckage of a punt strewn nearby, clearly commandeered the previous evening. Fraser begins the long walk home past his beloved Perse.
Will Parker (GK) – Training with Sol Campbell
Will has been solid in goal for the squandies this year, and particularly handy with his sliding challenges when 1-on-1. Clearly he’s been learning from the best.
George Milner – Working on his podcast
Not much here. George is nearly as boring as his cousin James.
Jason Allen – In his own bed
After a busy term in Cambridge, followed by varsity ski trip, Jallen’s demanding fitness regime caught up with him and he needed some rest. Also he’s now a self confessed boring 3rd year.
James Burman – Swiping through Tinder
Age is just a number. James demonstrates this with both his athleticism on the hockey pitch, and his willingness to adjust with technology. He has even been seen wearing leggings sporting the Tinder logo, but not whilst walking home one early morning. James’ next frontier is Snapchat.
Mark Roberts – Lonely
Another one of the squandies who went skiing after term. Unfortunately for Mark he was deserted and left to take the train by himself, courtesy of a different squanderer choosing to get a taxi with a group of Beds.
Chris and Elliot Bealey – Running their magic shop
Weasley’s wizard wheezes is a well known shop in the wizarding world, located at number 93 Diagon Alley. What you may not know is that it is owned by 2 members of the squanderers. Marketed as a joke shop, we are somewhat dubious given the standard of chat displayed by the twins. Elliot’s favourite magic trick is appearing in the opposition Dee trying for a goal whilst he’s supposed to be playing half back.
Sam Pritchard – Hiding from the Captain
Sam returned after the holidays refreshed and ready to play hockey. The only problem – he had told the captain he wasn’t available for the match. Despite this he still found a way to turn up to training and Friday night dinner.
Tom Edmiston – Keeping people healthy and safe
Just a shame one of those people wasn’t himself, as he missed the match through illness.
Rob Gorgy – Got the mumps
Avoid at all costs.
Sam Reynolds – In the gym
With Jallen leading the way (joint with George Milner) for goals mostly due to drag flicks, Sam has been getting envious. He hit the weights to try and make himself first choice flicker.
Harry Cox – Running
Harry doesn’t seem to stop running, and the benefits showed as he ran round the St. Neots defense earning himself MoM. Now he just needs to learn how to score, as he kept on running into the keeper. At least he didn’t get concussed.
Henry Pulver – Drinking Huel
Whilst most of us will have enjoyed a roast on christmas day, Henry would have no doubt found a “better” alternative. Don’t bring this up if you have anywhere to be in the following 5 hours.
Duncan Parry – Crying about football
The Christmas period wasn’t the best for his beloved Manchester City, but it could be worse. He could be a United fan.
MoM: Harry Cox
DoD: Ally Macdonald
11th January 2020
Women’s blues vs Maidstone
1. The match, 2-2 draw
Already keen to escape the Cambridge bubble, the WBlues decided to take a day trip to Kent and play a bit of hockey. The sports service nearly scuppered our transport plans but alas we persevered and Maid it. Maidstone quickly went 1-0 up from a short corner, but we answered politely with a routine of our own, ‘The Monty”, resulting in Monty equalising. With 14 minutes left of the second half we whipped out another corner routine – this time defender Rachel neatly slotted it in (huuuuge fantasy points just saying). Maidstone came back hard, and after defending approximately 600 corners, a swing and a miss from them, and some dubious tackles from their forwards, the WBlues conceded a goal to make it 2-2 with 2 minutes to go. Then the match ended, as matches normally do, and Mog was awarded well-deserved MoM. After yet another jacket potato match tea and some serious snakery by our dear captain, I was awarded Dod (despite another member of our team literally forgetting her own name whilst filling out a form).
2. Findings from DoD actions
So to make the most of my unjust DoD appointment I thought I would share my discoveries.
The day started at what I was told would be a ‘cheese sesh’ (vegan heavan amirite?) at around 4pm. Turns out this was a lie and cheese was actually gin. After many a round of cambio, we continued our journey to a fine Wetherspoon establishment called ‘ The Edward Rayne’. I would say that the following combination of decisions led to a rapid decrease in decorum, but I’ll let you decide for yourselves (also nice procrastination if you’re still reading this). The cider of choice for the following five hours, called ‘Gwynt Y Ddraig – Black Dragon’, a decent 7.2%, combined with replacing dinner with a bowl of peas (only 55p in case you were wondering), alongside apple sourz not in the showers, all topped off with a replacement bus service as my way home, resulted in what you can only describe as A Mess™ (sorry James).
Anyway, enough about me and more about my findings! It turns out my spoons drink of choice happened to have a high alcohol to price ratio, and this got my slightly inebriated brain thinking – what are the best ratios in the Regal?
(Excluding half pints, the top five are as follows)
- Gwynt Y Ddraig Black Dragon – Pint, 7.2% ABV, £3.25, 12.58 ml of alcohol for every £1
- Magners – Pint, 4.5% ABV, £2.19, 11.67 ml of alcohol for every £1
- Lagunitas IPA – 355ml, 6.2% ABV, £1.99, 11.06 ml of alcohol for every £1
- Sharp’s Doom Bar – Pint, 4.0% ABV, £2.15, 10.57 ml of alcohol for every £1
- Greene King Abbot Ale – Pint, 5.0% ABV, £2.69, 10.56 ml of alcohol for every £1
So for those who want a challenging tee off to next year’s pub golf, there you go, and for all the lightweights out there who just want to make a nice first impression when meeting your boyfriends’ home friends, these are the ones to go easy on xxx
So today did not start well. After a quiet evening in I went to bed at a reasonable time excited to be playing hockey in the morning after far too many weeks without the Wandies. It fails me as to why I then committed the mistake that would cost me the crucial votes for Dod but nevertheless I did. At 10:15am 14 Wandies congregated at wanderful Wilby and Mr Peony decided that all were present and correct. Now, the fact that all who were present were correct I do not doubt and in this I cannot fault our captain. I can, however, find fault with his counting. 4 is 1 and 5 is 2 and 14 may be 11 and 15 may be 12 but 14 is not 15.
I was not present and this had not been noted by our captain. I was still asleep.
In a land far far away I woke up, looked at my watch to see the time showing 10:20. I chuckled to myself and wondered how I had managed to set my alarm for 10:20 instead of 9:00. I then checked my phone. It was indeed 10:20 and I was late. Very late. I tried to phone Ranunculus but he didn’t pick up. He had obviously decided with my performances in the first half of the season that I was no longer necessary for a big Wandies W so 14 was close enough to 15 that I could be left behind. A few missed calls later I managed to get hold of our esteemed webmaster to notify him that I was (a) alive and (b) wanting to play. A swift shower, and packing and I was ready to be picked up at 10:35. A large car with many people already in it arrived at my house and we made our way up the (still not quite open) A14. A detour through Godmanchester and Hinchingbrooke allowed OAP alcopop to regale us with tales of walking down the A1307 between GP practices on his travels. What an interesting life he has had.
When we eventually got there I was given hope in my fight to avoid a second Dodship in 4 years by Mr William James. He had joined the boys in Hawks the previous night and was confused by this type of beer his fellow Wanderers were consuming. Nevertheless he ploughed on and ordered his own “normal” beer. This was a mistake. Consumption of beer is welcomed during most of the occasions in which we frequent the establishment of the birds of prey but prey upon the iniquities of the uninitiated we do not. Mr James was informed that consumption of beer or other alcoholic beverages was not allowed the night before games lest that man be fined for such practices.
We warmed up poorly but started the game well. Keeping the ball around the back seemed not to faze our defenders and midfielders (to be fair the press was light) and eventually we got our chance. Julian drove down the right hand side, along the baseline and played the ball across, only for it to deflect into the path of Will who pushed it simply past the keeper for our first goal. The rest of the first half passed smoothly with smooth passing but not into the goal and it remained 1-0 at HT.
In the second half we switched off a bit and as we felt looser so was our marking. Bourne Deeping had a few chances and Julian enjoyed some cheddar after falling over into one of their players but the goal was not troubled. Their centre-back decided I hadn’t had enough to do in the game so he gave the ball just outside their D with far too much time and I panicked and tried to lob the keeper. Thankfully the rebound fell to Jim who passed it to Mr Carnation who put it in. 2-0. I can’t remember how the third goal went in, sorry Jengland but Begonia scored an O3/2 and we won 4-0. Congratulations go to the Wandies for their first win in the first game of a calendar year in CUHC memory and to Will for being good enough at 5s to win Mom (unlucky Camellia).
Mom: Will James
Dod: David Gibson
For previous match reports, please see each team’s individual pages: