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Weekend Preview – The CUHC Masters 17/11/19

PUB GOLF: NAME A BETTER WAY TO FORGET
ABOUT THE WEEK 5 (Dark) BLUES, I’LL WAIT.

With the big tea time just around the corner, I thought I’d start with my top tip: Your main meal before a big fixture should be in the form of low to medium glycemic index foods. i.e. Pasta is always the right choice.

With the sage advice over, it’s now to get on to the more spicy content. Yes, you know the drill… It’s time to pepper this page with ‘chat’. Don’t worry, no one wilby feeling salty at the end, I’m now well-seasoned in writing these poorly.

The Warm Up

Recent scientific studies have shown that ‘Woga’ has unprecedented toxicity. With only a few human beings carrying the requisite criterions for immunity, a purge has taken place.

Thankfully, our medical team’s knowledge of immunology, a pseudo-homoeopathic system of conventional medicine, has finally been put to good use. An anon. Beds Coach asked Cam City Vets if they could help, but then he remembered they only deal with animals.
Nevertheless, Yoga is now safe for all and the perfect way to get loose before the all-important round.

The Rules

  1. Each entrant shall play with three legs.
  2. Straying out of bounds is strictly forbidden unless as part of a pair.
  3. Each player must play off their ‘team tee’ at one hole during the night.
  4. All other teas can be played off a selection of Blue, Red, Yellow and white teas.
  5. When the drink touches the lips, the stroke commences. When the drink leaves the lips, the stroke ends.
  6. All players to attempt an ‘Eagle’ at the Eagle.
  7. Slow play is strongly frowned upon.
  8. No patrons are allowed.
  9. Entrants wilby teeing off at 19:00 sharp.

The Course

Consisting of 9 holes of varying difficulty, any round will be tiresome. For anyone battling through a tricky period, remember, the game of pub golf is 90 percent mental and 10 percent mental.

The origins of the course remain unknown. All we know is that it’s long been associated as the unofficial sixth major, behind the open, the U.S. masters, the PGA, the U.S. Open and Beds.

And on the tee, from Cambridge, England is…

The par 3 opening hole, “spoons”, is arguably the cheapest eagle and the easiest hole on the course. At a mere 0.4 yards, distance is not an issue. A delicate swing will put you in a good position and a whole-in-one is not out of the question. Whilst the local rough around the fairway can present an intriguing challenge to those that find themselves astray off the tee, we recommend taking a risk and saving yourself a couple of swings for the more difficult shots later.

Once you’ve navigated the next 2 holes, you’ll find yourself at Catz Bar. At this point, most competitors are there or thereabouts. However, some now show their true colours (light blue, I hope) and put caution to the wind. In fact, it’s pretty still downstairs there in Catz bar. However, after consecutive birdies, a unique warm but breezy microclimate always seems to develop, leading to some bizarre stroke play under the pressure. DO NOT PANIC.

Fact: The key difference between pub golf
and it’s fewer variant is whether being a ‘chopper’ is complimentary.

Holes six, seven and eight constitute “Amen corner”. Named after the pleas by members praying for the ever-absent David Gibson to come to their rescue (yes, he’s never been to pub golf), it’s make or break time. Clare cellars offers the unique opportunity to play a foursome, rather than the conventional four-ball. It’s always the case that some people will bottle it on their own.

Then comes Hawks, the most (in)famous of them all…

The final hole is a par 404. If you’ve got this far, you could argue you’ve come a fairway. The course organisers tell me that despite the success of big Jez last year, it wil-not-by our vinyl destination. In the old days, one Kuda taken many different approaches to the green, but that is life. Now with only a single approach with a steep downslope, good footwork is essential here. You wouldn’t want to fall at the final hurdle.

For most this is time to go home. Nevertheless, at this point, some people just wish to go for another hole and a few more strokes. Club selection here is key. The most popular club is usually one with a stiff shaft.

The pundits favourite

Owain – Campkin

“Surely, last years champion is a shout. An exceptionally low score meant he went out and came back in style.”

Last year’s Champion celebrating in the famous green jacket. Will Frozone send it again for another incredibles score this year?

The Webmaster – Austin

“Rumour has it the birthday girl has put in a huge bribe for someone fun. At first, I thought this had put her out of the running. You can’t win if someone’s not playing seriously. Then I heard rumours in the form of a first name and then I heard a second name from someone else. They were both the same name which was pretty conclusive. Knowing that Matt Matt hates fun [it all got too much for him last year], Izzy’s a guaranteed shout. Let’s just hope she doesn’t shoot too low…”

A rogue contender? #GetInvolved

Umpire Lewis – Rowlands

“Chops a great pint, has a large volume with which to store food and drink, a small SA:V so he won’t get cold in fancy dress, a vet, so finding his way around the course in the dark and outdoors should be easy. You could also argue that he can carry any partner quite literally.”

Toby Ladbrooks – JEngland

“No distractions this year. Is that too harsh?” – I’m not sure toby, but I’ll guess we’ll see what follows.

Other Events

There is also a full complement of hockey this weekend. With the Squandies (vs. St Ives), Wandies (vs. Old Souths) and Wblues (vs. East London) all at the Wilberfortress, it’s another grand day out. With the squandies looking to stay unbeaten, the Wandies intending to make a statement and the Wblues facing top of the league, we need to bring the noise! I wilby there, will you?

Away from home, the Nomads travel to Colchester. A quick browse on their website and you’ll find many a picture of Frankie. Turns out she was a bit of a BNOC. Let’s just hope they’re not facing Frankie’s U16 side of Sunday 5 February 2017 who fought back hard from 5-0 down to get a draw.

The Mblues travel to the metropolis of Norwich in search of adding to their tally. With four points in the last two games, it appears the Men’s blues season may have turned. With Norwich just below them in the league, it’s a huge one.

Last but not fewest, the Bedouin travel to Spalding in search of three points. Fresh from the Generation game with host Tom Whitworth, the Beds have put their fruity pendulums and are looking to cause an upset. Mid-table Spalding have been prone to a slip-up. Can the Beds put their newly found talents to good use and provide another banana skin?

Any other Business?

Only two match reports this week. Very disappointed. I’ve had suggestions that we should have a three-strike rule. I don’t want to but I might …

Both match report submitters will, therefore, get the fantasy points. Remember it’s a double points weekend!

Weekend Preview – It’s a banger (09/11/19)

With a weak-to-strong weekend preview last week and the soon-to-distant arrival of Pub golf, there was probably little-to-significant need for a small-to-large effort on this week’s vanilla-to-exciting weekend preview.

Unfortunately, I’ve been busy building a new website for the Ospreys (cheeky plug for Dadge – http://www.ospreys-cambridge.com). A very corporate web address, but I really do appreciate the use of a hyphen/dash; an underused piece of punctuation in the English language!

So who’s going to write the weekend preview? Thankfully, Monty has come to my rescue. She [Izzy] has kindly taken a break from her tough degree and sought inspiration from:

  • The new CUHC Spotify account (another cheeky plug)
  • The recently successful Men’s Blues Stars event

Hence Monty and I present you with “CUHC as songs”. We’ve scowered the musical aether for the songs that best describe a select group of CUHC members according to our rigorous criterions.

JP – I’m Sexy and I know it (LMFAO)

This one’s self-explanatory… but for those of you that don’t know JP, I will explain. Like Stefan Kendal Gordy, who went to school with will.i.am, JP is the second most famous person from his home town, after English bacteriologist Frederick Twort. Nevertheless, JP and “Redfoo” always back themselves no matter how fresh big the challenge.

Jean – We don’t talk any more (Charlie Puth et al.)

Following Ferg’s betrayal to the light reds, Jean is without one of his trusted sidekicks in the Men’s blues. This only leaves him with another lift dweller TJ (Shaun Mendes – There’s nothin’ holdin’ me back).

Ollie Rose – like I’m gonna lose you (Meghan Trainor, John Legend)

The words once song by John Legend were repeated by Mr Rose as he serenaded the new wandies balls. In the heat of the moment, the balls got frigid and cracked under the pressure. Well, it’s that or the Wandies are the biggest team in CUHC.

The search goes on…

Faith Borland- Can’t feel my face (The Week’nd)

Cam City encountered Faith’s impenetrable defence of what is very much CUHC’s Wilberfortress and discovered the only way to get past her was to send her off the pitch to get an ice pack by smashing a ball into her face.

With a lovely purple bruise to show, Faith is back with to defend the Wilberfortress with the Nomads this week against Bury St Edmunds even if she still can’t fully feel her face.

Dadge- On the Floor (J-Lo)

It’s not football

Anon. International Welsh Rugby Referee (1971-Present)
“Pick your body up and drop it on the floor”

Sid Bryant – Big Spender (Shirley Bassey)

Sid clearly loves CUHC, spending the most on the *layerlayer/old nike stash/kit- we love to see it ! We will use this as a little reminder for ladies to pay for your kit. The spreadsheet can be found in your email inbox under the famous words of Freddie Hampel.

*standard CUHC pre-fix to be applied.

Kirsty- Sway (The Kooks)

Always keen for a night out, Kirsty saying ‘I could be swayed’ means she’s ready to absolutely send it.
And just as Kirsty can send it in Hawkoons, she’s also class at sending it down the line. So get yourselves down to the Wilberfortress this weekend to see her in action!

Lucy – Mysterious Girl (Peter André)

Aka Elusive Luce was so e-luce-ive that she snuck off to Edinburgh last weekend. But she’s back to show off her flair skills this week, unless her feet get in the way.

Is she a forward? Is she a mid? Is she a defender? Does she even go to Cambridge? Not even Darrel knows – how mysterious !!

Lewis – On a Roll (Ashley O)

With the highest net points tally in fantasy hockey so far, there’s still time to substitute him into your team for this weekend. The latest odds at LadBrooks suggest Lewis is in for a huge points weekend!

The fifth-order polynomial trendline fits perfectly, it must be right…

Emma Hatherell – Survivor (Destiny’s Child)

Champion of the hunger games, we’re also delighted to discover that Emma has a lot of high-quality chat at her disposal. Maybe she and Ollie Phillips should write the weekend previews…

Scarlett Atkinson – Trap queen (Fetty Wap)

Honestly, the most consistent upright reverse trap I’ve ever seen.

Shears- You need me, I don’t need you (Ed Shear[s]an)

Words Shears can definitely say to me. Shears is killing it as nomads coach with her favourite ‘rebound’ game and electric goals. All I can offer is short corner practice, attack v defence and continuous 3 v 3s…..

Martha- Dangerous Woman (Ariana Grande)

In the greatest discovery since finding out Ethan (not Francis) was on Ashley Banjo’s Secret Street Crew, it turns out that Martha was the one who hit Amy in the face £31.5k ago. Need I say no more.

Lethal…

Sean – No Money (Galantis)

Current treasurer Sean would be very grateful for any donations or fundraising ideas. On this note, if you haven’t heard it enough from Totton, then make sure you’ve signed up to percent!!

We can confirm the club’s inaugural “Regal fundraising event” last Saturday raised a whopping £1.94. We’d like to thank those generous benefactors (…Kirsty…) and we encourage others to get involved with this meaningful work, perhaps as early as this coming Saturday?

Frankie – Intoxicated (Martin Solveig)

A little bit of investigative journalism from Owaine last week led to indisputable evidence of some not-so-sneaky pmbing from fresher Frankie!

She couldn’t resist a bop at Queenios’, and then, to make matters worse, tried to bring down coops with her. Nonetheless, she still managed to absolutely kill it in midfield, although she could definitely run a little more.

Amy – Sweet but Psycho (Ava Max)

Purely for reference, we’re throwing it back £ 31.5k for those fresh who might not have seen Amy’s psycho side. Whilst she’s sweetened up since then, recent events suggest she’s still as fresh.

When Darrel tells you to swap with Bethan and play centre back

Jim and Izzy – Take Care (Rihanna and Drake [respectively])

Our welfare team are not currently looking for suggestions for the next welfare evening, but I’m really keen to view a critically-acclaimed film. Something to get those literary juices flowing. Hot Fuzz? Anyone?

Harry Leng- Daddy Cool (Boney M)

Need I say no more…

Leanne Tyne- Dancing Queen (Abba)

Whilst many in CUHC could well be nominated for this title, Leanne was crowned the winner of the girls’ welcome night, displaying one of the key requirements of a member of CUHC: to be able to absolutely dominate the d-floor. 

On that note, a strong CUHC presence has been lacking in Catz Corridor for the last few Wednesday Cindies; we need to claim it back for ourselves.

Owaine – Fifteen (Taylor Swift)

I mean not niche chat but he just looks fifteen doesn’t he. These are the oldest photos the internet has of Owaine….. and he’s over 17 in all of them.

wow

Monty- Look on the Bright Side of Life (Monty Python)

Having trawled the internet for <insert adjective here> photos of me, Monty Pythoned me. So I used my beloved internet to great effect.

A quick search didn’t really yield much; a great disappointment.  At this point, I then realised that she’d been quite nice in suggesting I was fifteen, especially since Sides knew me for two years as “the 12-year-old at Queens'”. I subsequently thought I could also be really nice… but then I remembered it was a weekend preview.

You keep giving that “insightful speech about how the School is like a hockey team”

At this minor crisis, I got a neural oscillation. I vaguely recalled that two other Monty’s had liked CUHC. Of the pre-millennial era, pre-Monty Monty liked to upload photos of her adorable children without full privacy settings on le livre de visages/das Buch der Gesichter. Herein, I shall refer to this Monty as pre-Monty-minty-fresh-not-Monty-Fynn-Monty (PMMFNMFM), because high-quality journalists and the tab do not reveal their sources.

Thank you PMMFNMFM. Now I should probably explain why I chose this song. Well, no one ever sees Monty looking sad. She’s always happy and cheers everyone up (well, me at least).

I guess that’s ended up a bit nice, but she did write most of this weekend preview for me…

The Hockey

The Wilberfortress sees four big games of hockey this weekend. With the Wandies having the weekend off and no rugby-related distractions, large crowds are very much expected.

The squandies kick off the day at 10:30 GMT and the Nomads bring it to a close at 15:00 GMT. The Mblues and Beds are nestled in between. All these games are very winnable, so we’re excited to see the points rolling in!

Further afield, the Wblues travel to Bedford in search of three points. After a big win midweek, Psycho and her team wilby looking to start a winning streak. It’s been a tough start, but having watched them play on Wednesday, they do know how to play hockey!

The Fantasy Hockey

Keep those transfers coming in! The submission form can be found here. A big round-up is coming in two weeks time.

Further work

For those who find that reading a weekend preview is not enough, I have four high-quality match reports. Vote below for your favourite:

Favourite Match report?

View Results

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In addition, all the songs above can be found in our weekend preview playlist.

Weekend Preview 02/11/19

The inevitable has arrived. The Webmaster’s chat has dried up. Hence in order to provide you with some reading and to save the planet, I’ve recycled one of the greatest weekend previews of all time.

To get myself in the mind of Mr Schwebster, I finished off Roberto’s ‘enhanced’ brownies and got writing about the most likely outcomes of the latest CUHC version of the Hunger games.

The rules:

Survive until the very end. No one can leave the Wilberforce Road. Anything else goes.

Who would go first?:

After a big night out, Pope Amy I stumbles into the Wilberforce road car park. In full papal regalia, she unknowingly comes across devout David Gibson. Keen to avenge his ancestor’s murders by Mary Queen of Scots, David releases his inner Stag and asserts his dominance over to the arriving females. The pope is dead and our first victim has fallen.

Who’s next?

Fearing for her own life, Bethan takes refuge in her car. This does not end well. The Wblues are down to 14. Meanwhile, after weeks of testing in the wasteland of Oxf*rd, Owain and Julian have locked themselves in the Arthur Marshall Room and are busy programming a nanovirus. They cultivate their virus inside hopeless fresher Kabir and set him wild. Operation “Top Dagger” is live. 

Fresh Kabir, keen to still meet people, unknowingly starts transmitting the nanovirus in its incubation period. Excited by the prospect of meeting everyone for the first time, Fresh Kabir tries to impress the ladies and form an alliance by telling them he’s twenty-one. They are not impressed and turn against him. Fresh Kabir is stamped to death by the Nomads. The nanovirus dies with him.

Distraught by the outcome of their masterplan, Owain and Julian turn to a more conventional method in the East Leagues. They grab their hockey sticks and go chopping. Sadly, being a Compsci, Julian dies outside after 30 seconds due to overexposure to air and sunlight. Meanwhile, Owain slays down Seb and a frightened Bill tries to queff off to Homerton. Unknown to him, Kirky had decided enough is enough and the traditions of the past must be upheld. He hires fellow alumni and clay pigeon shooting blue Ferg Flan to snipe from one of the floodlights. The fleeing Bill gets hit in his average-sized chest. The resulting draft from tumbling Bill knocks over Jallen rendering him unconscious. Ally arrives just in time (well actually £2 late), and keen to claim his first strike, finishes off Jallen. Unfortunately, whilst celebrating, Ally gets hit by one of the new trial buses for the Adam’s road busway. 

The Escapees have been eliminated…  but who makes the final cut

Ferg, still unnoticed, continues his kill streak and takes out two of the Beds keepers. Keen to get involved, Kirky hides successfully amongst the freshers. He takes out Will Silver, who has been running around with his lethally sharp inhaler. However, Jim has returned from East Anglia’s answer to the lost city of Atlantis, Mundesley, and tries to protect the fresher’s welfare. Kirky challenges Jim to a one-on-one battle. Jim goes first and wrong-foots Kirky with his classic v-drag. Feeling like Adriano in the 2013 Champions League semi-final, Kirky tries to get one back at Arjim Robbinson, but panics. Turns out he really doesn’t want it and surrenders. Arjim spares him no mercy and eliminates him.

Outraged by Arjim’s lack of welfare, Izzy Austin goes on the rampage and flattens Arjim on her Ski’s. After eliminating nearly all the Men’s blues and most of the Wanderers, including Jefe who was googling the rules at the time, Izzy Austin falls foul of a cynical deliberate foot by last man Lewis Collins. Lewis and Chandler celebrate with a VK, but they’ve secretly been laced with additional alcohol by Sarah Alsaad. Consequently, the sugar and alcohol in the VK no longer counterbalance and both die of low blood sugar levels.

Meanwhile Flan, now without any ground reconnaissance, continues to eliminate fresher’s at will, leaving Bailes without any allies. However, the alumni’s stranglehold soon ends, for Flan forgets Spidertotton is back from his year abroad. Crawling incognito towards the control panel, Spidertotton switches on the lights, startling flan who falls to his death. Times have changed, and the alumni have gone.

The numbers are dwindling:

With Bailes now on her own, she looks to the depleted Nomads now just four strong with Sarah, Kirsten, Faith and Connie. The squanderers have lost just two, and having assessed his options, Campkin decides now would be a good time to start coaching.

Campkin decides it’s now or never and tries to explain the red press to give the squandies the upper hand. Realising that Campkin’s explanation doesn’t make any sense, Deme makes the 50:50 call to get rid of Campkin. He launches a rapid drag flick but misses and hits Tom Whitworth. This leaves Fraser in charge. Fed up with Tom’s diplomacy, Kim Jong-Frall-Un hires a Zipcar and orders the squandies to run alongside.

Borland has faith in her captain and they jointly command the remaining Nomads plus Bailes to charge the squanderers. Hiding in the bushes, Faith shouts the codeword “Freedom” and the nomads charge at Kim Jong-Frall-Un’s security detail. Still raging from the non-stop Wandies out of tune sing along during their trip to Nottingham, the Nomads release their anger on an unknowing bunch of squanderers. Sadly, their efforts are at the expense of Connie. It was not her day.  Realising he had been conquered by the West, Kim Jong-Frall-un throws in the towel. He is left at the mercy of the pack. He dies with numerous CUHC Olympic records to his name, including the most tries in a season for the Bedouin.

It’s now late in the evening and it’s well past Owain’s bedtime. He falls asleep in Men’s changing room 3. Here, Tyler, assumed dead, has been hiding while Austin mowed down his body double, Greg. Tyler kills off Owain in his sleep and plans his final attack.

So Who’s left?

Bailes, Sarah, Kirsten and Faith have battled through. Monty and Shears are the only Wblues; they’ve used their Geography skills and realised that no one goes in changing room 7. They hide out there and do some colouring.

JP is dressed as Harry Leng. It goes to his head and starts using Aimbot. Soon enough he’s eliminating people at will with Ferg’s rifle. Tyler sees that our former president’s been shot and there’s nothing more to live for. He decides he might as well do a yard of Toma and pays the ultimate sacrifice.

This leaves us with Jean (who’s so old and so anti-social that all the fresher’s thought he was the groundsmen), Sarah, JP and Martha Hoult. She arrived on time but unnoticed after visa issues on her arrival from Girton. It’s now been too Leng since JP showed off his rig and he is forced to reveal his true colours. Sarah takes inspiration from Poison Ivy and quickly eliminates a shirtless male.

The twist and the end

This leaves us with a three-way battle. Stalemate is reached and Jean looks for the U20+1 Portsmouth Chess Champion for advice. Sadly, he took one for the team in eliminating MoM favourite Lizzie Jack before she could get going. However, in a sudden turn of events, Martha delivers on her week one preview status and unleashes her deathray and disposes of the senior WBlue.

This leaves us with Jean and Martha. The old vs. the new. However, unconfirmed reports say there may still be one mystery figure remaining too. Having been here before, Jean knows his best chance is to force Martha into the lift where he’ll have the uppercut. Martha wants to keep it out in the open where she can expose Jean’s lack of pace, which has decayed rapidly in age since the first edition.

Shbloke Jean tries to catch out the inexperienced Wblue by handing her a pre-duel hydrating beverage. He appeals strongly, but Umpire Lord Joel Sheldon Wilson, calls not-out… again. Jean, who lost his reviews in trying to dismiss Wandies Captain Ollie Rose with similar tactics, is in despair and pleads with the referee. The decision stands. 

Now in a state of panic, Jean feels he must “do something crazy”. But wait! The rumours were true! They are not alone in the game! The fire exit bursts open and, once the dust has settled, an icy calm looking Emma Hatherell is revealed! She looks down at her blood-covered hands and cooly wipes them clean on her new Playerlayer kit, with Joe Root’s number smothered with blood. Jean and Martha look at one another in fear and disbelief, knowing that not one drop of that blood is Hatherell’s. Before either could react, the silent assassin pounces and takes out Jean. Jean screams foul play, but Root has Lord Wilson on her side. Jean is dismissed.

Matha looks up and sees that Emma, who has been hiding in the kit cupboard, has painstakingly unlocked the combination locks on the Mblues balls and has the new Wandies & Squandies saturns to hand.

Realising that Martha needs these Saturns for her intergalactic deathray (aka the flat part of the back of the stick low angle swing shot), she takes the battle inside the clubhouse. Martha knows that Hatherell’s ammo won’t be as much use in confined spaces and the clubhouse maze provides the best opportunity to steal some ammo. But Hatherell is having none of it.

As Martha tries to lure Hatherell away from the ammunition, Hatherell is not fooled. She has done her research on the new CUHC website. She walks calmly up the stairs and starts unscrewing the now old glass honours boards. After 4 minutes and 59 seconds, Martha emerges. Her eyes light up and she sprints for the now unguarded Saturns, only to find Hatherell waiting with a perfectly-shaped shard of glass. The last thing Martha sees is the 2019 Men’s varsity result: X-X.

Martha falls to the ground and leaves Hatherell champion. Congratulations Emma.

Any other Business

It’s very disappointing that I’ve received no match reports this week. This must end now, otherwise, I wilby forced to name and shame people like Ollie Rose who owe me two match reports.

With Hantian Wang now leading the Fantasy Hockey, it’s time to make your changes here. Please note that you wilby deducted 10 points for an ineligible team. The teams are set according to the draft and not according to the actual team sheets. This would be too much admin.

Oh and there’s some hockey this weekend:

TeamOppositionVenueTimeForm
WbluesWappingH (P1)13:00DLWLL
MbluesCam City 2sA (H P1)14:30LDWDL
WandiesWaltham Forest 1sH (P2)12:30LWWWL
NomadsCam. City 3sA (H P1)11:30WDLLD
BedsCam. NomadsA11:00LLWLW
SquandiesBourne DeepingH (P3)11:00WWWWW

The Weekend Preview: One to stash away for reference…

With the Michaelmas term now well underway, things have started to calm day. With no big social gatherings to talk about, there were slim pickings in the form of ‘chat’. To add insult to the rather large injury list, I had a week full of events, but it was still quite uneventful. Nonetheless, I’m required to write some words, and so I shall do so. 

Stash

For this week’s weekend preview, I teamed* up with our Kit Secs in order to discuss the big question. How should you be adorning yourself in the correct shade of blue?
The 2019/20 season has brought the arrival of a centralised kit deal, and a wealth of new stash items. Thankfully, after much negotiation, CUHC has been able to keep the golden lion whilst the red tiger continues to be the most unpopular animal at the Zoo.

By my calculations, this brings the number of different variants on the correct shades of blue, that a CUHC member can dress themselves in, is now fifteen**. Not quite fifty shades of grey, but light blue is way more sexy if you ask me.

With a large array of items available to purchase, it can be difficult to make the correct purchase. Given how very fresh dear young Kan’t beer is, I thought it’d be wise to help you little freshlings with a comprehensive review of the items available for purchase.

JMAN Water Bottle

Alternative Name: The Vessel

Most Likely to Wear it: H20

What our Kit Secs Say*: Stay Hydrated

What the General Says: CUHC’s answer to the royal worcester commemorative plates. The value of this item has only soared in recent years as silly freshers have lost, damaged or neglected.

Playing Shorts

Alternative Name: The Filo Pastry

Most Likely to Wear it: Freshers – don’t have the thicker ones

What our Kit Secs Say*: “We had to make them this thin for characterisation in the Field Emission Gun Transmission Electron Microscope” Anon. Phys Natsci Kit Sec Fresher

What the General Says: It is translucently clear that the designer must like a wet T-shirt competition

Playing Skort

Alternative Name: The most perplexing piece of clothing I’ve ever seen

Most Likely to Wear it: Women (except at pub golf & when Sean forgets his shorts at Varsity)

What our Kit Secs Say*: Skirts must be worn on the knee and not of high waisted style. The only revealing thing on the pitch should be how bad *UHC are at hockey

What the General Says: Second only to the spork, the skort is perhaps the most bizarre invention known to womankind.

Playing Shirt

Alternative Name: The Vacuum Pack

Most Likely to Wear it: Everyone, it’s our playing kit silly

What our Kit Secs Say*: “We’ve got new stash, since when??” Anon. Kit Sec Fresher

What the General Says: A not so subtle change in aspect ratio will flatter the Campkins of this world, and just make it even more obvious that Sides deliberately ordered a size too small

Playing Socks

Alternative Name: Pure Utter Filth

Most Likely to Wear them: JP – Always skipping leg day, needs to cover them up

What our Kit Secs Say*: Flare. Most likely to die by Velcro

What the General Says: I can’t wait to play in Green/White/Green

Weather Layer

Alternative Name: The thing at the bottom of your bag

Most Likely to Wear them: Bill – Proper Wet when he’s not Queffing

What our Kit Secs Say*: Probably only need it for away days (It doesn’t rain in Cambridge). Hence should get it half price

What the General Says: When we “always sh*t on the dark blue and white”, you’ll have something to keep yourself clean.

Puffer

Alternative Name: The Post-christmas paunch coverup

Most Likely to Wear them: Bamy – actually no chat here, they’re just always in padded vests with sleeves

What our Kit Secs Say*: The ideal piece of stash when you’ve had a few too many over christmas, but it’s cold and so a legitimate piece of clothing

What the General Says: “The first down jacket, then known as an “eiderdown coat”, was designed by Australian chemist George Finch for the 1922 Everest expedition and made by SWill Silver and Co. It was bright green, composed of hot-air balloon fabric.” – Crikey, I thought the delay on last year’s stash was long, but 97 years…

Bench Coat 

Alternative Name: The obscene one

Most Likely to Wear them: Darrel & Kieran – Wannabe CBans

What our Kit Secs Say*: “Finally human bubble-wrap to protect me from my inhaler” – pretty obvious

What the General Says: Definitely don’t need it but I’ve never been more excited to start off as a sub

Trench coat

Alternative Name: The one when you order the wrong size Weather Layer

Most Likely to Wear them: Whitworth – Fits him like a rain coat

What our Kit Secs Say*: Surplus to requirement

What the General Says: The most unnecessary piece of clothing imaginable. Will probably be the most popular item

Trackies

Alternative Name: The Tiger Pants

Most Likely to Wear them: shCUHC (aka CURUFC)

What our Kit Secs Say*: Yeah, we’ve shadmined this, but not as bad as Paddy

What the General Says: The Red Tiger shall never grace the Wilberfortress

Alice Band

Alternative Name: The tourniquet for your forehead

Most Likely to Wear them: Seb + our other members of No Direction

What our Kit Secs Say*: We do not condone the use of unofficial stash items

What the General Says: You look a rite plonker! Your hair isn’t that long and if it gets too long I’ve got a bowl with your name on it

Club tie

Alternative Name: The social passport

Most Likely to Wear them: Gibbo – PMA afficianado

What our Kit Secs Say*: Everytime, you go on a social, it is customary to unintentionaly spill a beverage on this piece of cloth

What the General Says: Why are these made out of silk? Polyester holds the knot so much better

Beanie

Alternative Name: The Shlid Hider

Most Likely to Wear them: CBan – Although more likely to perch on his head like a bird rather than wear it like a model

What our Kit Secs Say*:
‘Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a bobble on it,
if you like it, then you shoulda put a bobble on it,
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it,
If you like it, then you shoulda put a bobble on it,
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh…

What the General Says: Capable of masking any Shlid, an essential piece of stash for any CUHC bloke. Useful stylish fashion accessory for women

Cap

Alternative Name: The “Brooklyn Style”

Most Likely to Wear them: Owaine – Completes the schoolboy look

What our Kit Secs Say*: “What I wear when I need to pull” – someone who has access to the website

What the General Says: To be guarded with great care. Occ*sionally found in the wrong pair of hands. Infr*quently have their names in them.

*Please note, the Kit Secs offered nothing, so I envisaged what they might say…

**15 shades: A light blue VK, Wandies Tie, Squandie/CUHC Tie, Beds 2018 Varsity Rucksack, Beanie, Cap, Chamois Grip, Blues Blazer, Arge’s Blues Blazer, Blue Socks, New shirt, old shirt, old old shirt (Kurki), Old blue fleeces (First adopted by WBlues circ. 2015), new stash (surprisingly all the same colour).

Fantasy Hockey

This weekend brings us the Re-draft. For those of you that don’t know what this means, you get to pick a whole new team, free of charge, with a vast array of fresh talent now at your disposal.

The draft wilby finalised by 13:00:00 BST today. It is important to note that the draft is not representative of selection policy (this is just fun!). I did think about assigning prices, but my algorithm valued Tyler at minus 3 million minutes, and I didn’t think that was fair.

Fresher’s can enter a team from now too. I’ll give you the same number of points as the lower quartile of the current standings for previous weeks. That should put you well out of reach of Totton.

Please see the draft here, and can everyone please submit your team here

The Hockey

The Men’s Blues welcome East London to the Wilberfortress this weekend. After a rough time of it last week, the Blues wilby looking to bounce back with the full support of the Cambridge United Ultras, having reciprocated their kind offer of free tickets for their match against Grimsby Town.

The Wanderer’s travel this week to the large church on high ground, Upmunstra (1086 Doomsday Book). Having had a pleasant surprise that this year’s BUCS hockey will actually be against teams who play hockey, the gentlemen of the Wanderer’s wilby looking to write Wednesday’s wrong and put some goals past a team near the bottom of the table.

The Nomad’s host Norwich Dragon’s this weekend at the Wilberfortress. With Emma Hatherell (#66) having been drafted to Trent Rocket’s last week, the Nomad’s wilby looking to get a positive result against a team who have had some good results in recent week. 

Posing for her latest album in a tragic boy band…

With half the men’s side wrapping themselves in Cabbage before the weekend, the Squanderer’s remains quite fresh. Still unbeaten and riding high in the table, they travel to Ely which is famed for its cathedral. This got me very excited about a dreaming spires gag, but on further reading, it appears that after the abbey was destroyed in 870 by Danish invaders, Æthelwold of Winchester decided to have turrets. A very wise and less painful choice. 

It is also worthwhile mentioning the cathedral does have an octagon… @Ollie Rose?

Also at the Wilberfortress are the Bedouin. With a pile of freshers, captain Emily Bailey has been speaking to the fat spanish waiter (Rafa Benitez, yes I’m a toffee) about his tips for squad rotation. I’m not quite sure what tips there are to glean, as there’s only 2π radians before you get back to the start. 

Last but not fewest, our Women’s Blues travel to Norwich City. After a tough result against CoP, the Wblues are fighting fit and ready to claim another big 3 pointer. 

Best of luck to everyone this weekend, and have fun at the Full club swap. Sadly Cameron Diaz is unable to attend, but he sends his best wishes.

The Weekend Preread – 19/10/19

For those of you that live in isolated, far away places, you will be shocked to realise that the internet has been down over the last few weeks. This was not the fault of computers, but the fault of the law. The law is not very nice and would not let us prove that we own our own address. This made me, and other members of the md369 society sad.

A broken internet has sent shockwaves around the global financial markets.
Data: Google, Analysis: CUHC markets

In preparation for tackling the law, I decided it would be best to learn to be a lawyer. It turns out this involves a lot of reading. Having now read the Law, I can tell you the law is very fresh; it says some very silly things. For example, in 1322, King Edward Tyler II introduced a law that all wisbeched whales and sturgeons must be offered to the reigning monarch. I thought it was worthwhile mentioning this given the recent arrival of a school of freshers to CUHC. with a keen set of anglers perched ready on the balcony at Wilby. Since 1872, it’s also been illegal to be drunk in a Pub, which is why Jamès Campikonès is found in the bin around the back.

Nevertheless, despite the laws misgivings, we persisted and ‘the saga’ is now mostly over. Please note the change in web address, to www.cuhc.org.uk, because now that I know the Law, we’re more of an organisation than a company. I don’t think we can register as a charity, because we aren’t a ‘community amateur sports clubs’ despite our commitment to including the many and not the less.

With this news, I thought I’d send a large weekend preview. However, at the time of writing I was interupted by numerous CUHC members wanting to learn how to use LaTeX. For those of you new to CUHC, I get very excited at the prospect of LaTeX, CSS files and the thought of using an index(match()), etc. With King Edward Tyler XX+I getting fed up of colouring in, he decided to produce a fine paper with some assistance. Please note he warmly welcomes any correspondences via the email provided. 

On the topic of science and all things technology, today marks 132 years since Gustav Kirchoff died. For the unaware, he managed to get a law named after him for basically saying what comes in must come out. However, in a major breakthrough, Fergus McJudus and JT Thomas show in their soon to be published faeces that this fails in the case of Lifts. In their work, it wilby shown that when two go in, only a victor comes out.

But enough filler for now. With a wealth of match reports having built up over the last few weeks, I’ll give you all a brief summary of what has been happening…

The Social Life 

The first whole club swap was a large (successful) one. With the event being run on a tight schedule by our chief Social sec Seb Shaw, all attendees turned up bright and early. In retrospect, it might have been a little too early, and some attendees got tired early on into the evening and so headed home sooner than expected. With Patricio immobilised in a kneeling position, and a certain nomad followsing ginger haired members of CUHC around the cloob, the rest of CUHC attended our favourite Morrocan Joint.

Being Old, I had personally intended not to attend, but after a nearly thorough clean of Hawks’, it seemed rude to not venture inside. Whilst many freshers had sadly attended their minor college events, those that did prioritise correctly had a cracking time. There were Harley any events in the evening of note, but some fresher’s evening’s evidently had a cloud with a Silver lining. 

Predictions for the most ‘fun’ team in CUHC

Normally, at this point, it is easy to ascertain which team is going to be the most ‘fun’ this year. However, this year it seems a close race. With no social last weekend to consolidate my hypotheses, the only reasonable option I had was to examine the cloob photos from last weekend.

I chose to scour the photos of Life for any CUHC members. Life was chosen because of its favourable lighting for identifying people. A count was recorded for each identifying feature of a distinct CUHC member present in a photo. This favoured Frankie (wearing a west-african inspire Teepee), millijoules (a very boring but surprisingly unique two tone T-shirt), Frallen (Shlid) and Sarah (now available for 5 p at your nearest high-end supermarket). Note, Niels (there was only one present) was counted as an honorary squanderer.

The Funmads won

From the results, it is quite clear the Nomads are quite fun. Perhaps even so much to reclaim the title ‘funmads’. For those of you claiming that I am indeed overcomplimenting the funmads, then I could do with someone to look through the Fez photos to corroborate my findings.

Meanwhile, the Blues need to sort themselves out. At CUHC, as our new welfare document states, there is no pressure to do anything you don’t want to do. However, recent unconfirmed anecdotal qualitative studies have suggested that having fun can make you smile and happy. Given our Blues captain’s currently have a combined Fantasy Points score of 0 (as players), a pinch of fun might do wonders.

Fantasy Hockey 

Stats

Here at CUHC, we endeavour to find new metrics by which to assess both on and off the pitch performance. I couldn’t think of anything worthwhile this week, but in my quest to find new metrics via dimensional analysis, I did find this which made me chuckle. Subsequently, I found that adding 3/2 Barn-Megaparsec of sugar to my coffee made a world of a difference.

Nonetheless, Fantasy hockey has provided me with a wealth of data by which to start building models to predict how teams will do in Varsity. Sadly, *UHC don’t seem to be offering any data, but I reckon if I take the mean of our 10th decile (Amy, Tyler amongst others), it will match exactly with their upper quartile.

Thankfully, alumni Matt Diesel and Jervis have done some reconnaissance for me. Diesel watching from afar struggled to locate those in the wrong shade of blue, because they’ve taken a second guess at the correct shade being white. Eliminated. However, he eventually located the Oxf*rd Wblues in their sunday league fixture by finding the local chat minima on the pitch. 

Meanwhile, Jerv was less subtle about it and just played for them. He’s yet to offer any intel, but I assume he’s still recovering from how 10th decile they were.

Team of the season so far…

Accounting for double points weekends etc., the best legitimate team achieved without making any changes would have accrued 593 pts. As many will point out, the points system doesn’t account for the invaluable contribution of the assist. 

The redraft

Yes, you’ve heard the rumours correctly. The redraft is coming but not quite yet. Given that I don’t know any of the new freshers, and I like to sleep from time to time, the plan is to bring the re-draft for next weekend. I’ve got in touch with Batty, and she promises to give us another gem. If not I’ll improvise… This will give us the chance to get all their names correct and find out where they are playing despite probably arriving as a defender.

@Freshers, you may enter teams if you wish, I highly recommend. I’ll give you a boost with the lower quartile number of points from the season so far. That’ll put you way out of sight of Totton…

Reality Hockey

Because this article is called a weekend preview, it requires me to provide a preview of the forthcoming weekend. I realise that many of you do not read the weekend preview to get a preview of the weekend, but some people wish to read about what they are about to view this weekend and I must therefore include a pre-read for them to view.

With the Funmads having beaten an above average Oxf*rd side 4-0 on Wednesday, the weekend looks light (blue). It’s fair to say there was some foul language on the Sidesline, with the O work featuring far too often. This is not acceptable. CUHC media have taken the decision to issue guidance prior to the next fixture against *UHC.

This Weekend, our Men’s Blues travel to Chelmsford to take on a team with a mixed record. Chelmsford is twinned with Wuxi, China. Wuxi is chinese for “without tin”. With this in mind, we’d like to remind Mr Phillips that a friday night should be Wuxinies.

After a huge three points on the road last weekend, the Women’s blues welcome City of Peteborough, CoP, to the Wilberfortress. Lying 2nd in the table, this could be a tough day at the office for our Blues. Interestingly, Peterborough is twinned with Vinnytsia, Ukraine. First appearing in 1363, it was derived from the old slavic word for “given as a gift”. We have no doubt Shears will know what to do when the ball is Vinnytsia to her on the back post.

The Wanderer’s 1s welcome Havering to Wilby. Hav(er)ing won both games last weekend, the Wandies will be looking to make it three from three (99.9999%). Havering is a London borough, so it doesn’t have any twins. However, I am told that at least 29.7% of residents travel to work by car alone, which means they probably don’t enjoy chat.

The Nomads this week travel away to CoP, to the famous Dalrod sports ground. Dalrod draining solutions specialise in rapid response for your drainage problems. Hence, we know who to call if Czink gets non-allergic rhinitis. CoP 2s have won 50% of their games, but if they end up on the same goal difference as our Nomads by the end of the day, we wilby happy.

Last but not fewest, the Squandies and Beds travel away to Cambridge and Dereham respectively. The Squandies are playing at Long Road, which is interesting only about 3.5×1011 Beard-Seconds.  Dereham is twinned with Caudebec-lès-Elbeuf, just south or Rouen, France, but Brooksy already knew this. I have no doubt the beds wilby lovely and polite, but I really hope they Rouen Dereham HC’s day. 

That’s it from me. See you next week with another big social (Dbl points weekend) and the big re-draft. Don’t forget about the fantastic bake-off evening organised by Izzy and Jim where we’ll by watching the GDBO final!

Fixing the Internet

The md639 society (of valued webmasters past and present) are delighted to inform you that the internet has now been sufficiently fixed.

Please note that we have changed our address to www.cuhc.org.uk so please adjust any favourites, bookmarks etc. that you may have.

In fixing the internet, we have noticed that it was more broken than we previously thought. Hence we have a few more changes to make, but hopefully, you won’t see these happening.

We wilby back with a thorough weekend preview next week, and for those of you desperate for match reports, they wilby uploaded soon…

Ta for your understanding,

Anon. Shwebmaster

P.s. Cheers to Julian’s dad for being concerned about my well-being. To my (and potentially his) relief, I am not dead, but very much alive.

Weekend Preview – 26/09/19

I still really like this photo, so can someone take another one?

Some might argue that last weekend was a tale of two halves. In the first half of Saturday, we came second in four games, joint first in one and outright first in the other. The only conclusion I could draw was that hockey was clearly the winner. 

However in the second half, the tides did predictably changed. As CUHC descended on Spoons after some good old Captain’s cocktails, normal service resumed. With a notable Cam City/ex-CUHC contingent in the melting pot, a light blue sea descended on the Dfloor and rocked away the night. With chat about a debrief resulting in no debrief and thus no chat, I can only comment on what I saw, which was, reassuringly, people having fun. 

A cracking film night, bowling and bake-off soon followed, leaving CUHC feeling, well, pretty wholesome. With new friends made and the archives thoroughly searched, it appears CUHC-TV may soon be getting a second lease of life. Good job Izzy (and some may argue Jim).

This Weekend

However, with another week of CUHC pre-michaelmas term post-pre-season early-mid-season training under our belts, our six illustrious teams set out in search of 3 whole points each. With four teams on the road this week, and the Wanderers having their first double header weekend of the season, there is 490 minutes of hockey to be played.

The Men’s blues are looking to get back on track after a “recovery week”. With the anon. sixteen time world championship darts player impersonator having now fully acquainted himself with his newly added facebook friends, Ji-Sung back on every Lifeguard’s watchlist, and $ëåñîø sacking the fellas for bake-off,  it looks like the Blues have got their “mo mo mo”jo back. 

After a solid performance against Oxf*rd Brookes earlier this week, they travel to East East Anglia (14:30 Pb) to take on Ipswich who are also looking to get some points on the board.

The Squanderers got themselves a good win against Leadenham last week, but after a dreadful second half, where they failed to penetrate through the solid press of the Spoons’ forward line, we called last weekend a draw.
Tom and his team wilby looking to put a woeful display behind them and focus back on the first half of hockey. This week they host a nearby St Neot’s side in Wilby’s early fixture.
My sources tell me that they’ve got another keeper this week, meaning TB C. has not been picked. Commiserations TB, but keeper trying hard in training. In other news, James MBA keeps his place in the team after killing it in Spoons.

Will he make a return? We hope not…

The Gentlemen of the Wanderers were left disappointed with a loss last week, but after a quality week of minutes on the line, hollow holds and the occ*sional bit of ball-on-stick action, they go into their big double header weekend hungry.
I have no doubt that once they’ve eaten a few more five-minute-finish-cucumbers, they’ll be well-hydrated, nourished and confident of securing some quality points. Their double header consists of Broxbourne (Away) and Bourne Deeping (Home).

The Nomads put in a brave display last week against St Neot’s, showing the resilience to fight back and get a couple of goals against a good team. However, with the return of some experienced Nomads for the weekend, we can’t wait to see the Nomads come back with drei punkt.

The Women’s blues return to Wilby (P1) after a tough opening fixture against a quality Harleston Magpies outfit. They welcome Maidstone to Wilby who lost to Cam City 2s last week. I assume the WBlues view the fixture as winnable, given their own 2-2 draw with Cam City 2s, albeit in pre-season.
Perhaps the Bamy ‘sexy’ short, as named by anon. Wandies defender (48% picked) in the crowd watching Wblues vs. 2006 England World Cup Squad, will work wonders.

The Bedouin are, predictably from their name, on the road this week with a trip to Cambridge South. With a self-proclaimed “pro” fresher in their ranks and after backing up our prediction “Don’t back [no balance] Brooksy, back the beds” last weekend, we have high hopes for our Bedouin.
However, their opponents scoring many goals last weekend and so it could be a tough one.

Who’s in your fantasy?

After taking up the entirity of my existence last week, I was hesitant in mentioning Fantasy Hockey. However, on realisation that it fills my phone up with messages from lots of girls who would never usually message me (they know who I am, yay) and that I can talk about my 2nd great passion in life, Statistics, it seemed on balance a worthwhile inclusion.

Current ‘flukey’ leaders

As the northern Californian’s would apparently say, JEngland (112 pts overall) has had an hElla week. As the out-and-out leader, he picked his team well and maximised on a double point weekend. With a 10 pt lead over ∞ times Varsity Man of the Match and Wandies coach Kieran (102 pts overall) and flukey freshers Toby and Kabir, he may have the lead for now. But with two games for the Wanderers, there’s potential for a sudden change in fortunes. Or at least this is what Julian (-4 pts overall) is hoping for…

Our team of the week

Using an advanced optimisation process, involving a pen, notepad and the thing inside my small cranial vault, I worked out the best (legal) team this week would have afforded you 248 pts. There is clearly room for improvement.

With the average (arithmetic mean) points tally being 60±4 pts, this means CUHC college lies 27th on the Tompkins table with a score of 62.2 (when grade boundaries were applied according to IA Natural Sciences, this took me far too long).

Quite a large spread

But as Wikipedia unreliably tells me, nearly all colleges lie within 10% of one another so it is in fact completely meaningless. The only fact we have about the different colleges is that we’d all rather be at Oxf*rd than at John’s…

A Typical Johns Student
Most Picked players

So Sarah, Sides, Harold and Chandler were pretty popular. They know that, we know that, so let’s not pump up their egos any more. 

Player% Pick
Sarah Alsaad84 %
Harry Leng73 %
Ed Sides66 %
Joe Chandler64 %
Seb Shaw53 %
Lewis Collins48 %
Rachel Smith48 %
Thomas Whitworth47 %
Izzy Austin47 %
Amy Edwards44 %

I’m not gonna go through those who were picked infr*quently or not at all because that would not be nice.

What I will say is that dropping yourself as Captain from your initial team is disappointing, and then dropping yourself all together is shocking. However, given that Roberto did pick a MBlues defender as captain on a double points weekend, I guess that is karma. Moral of the story: Back yourself.

Webmaster upholding the rule of law
Took a while to come up with a very average reply though.
Biggest Disappointments and hidden gems

Well, it goes without saying that I threw everyone a few curveballs. With my “top picks” centre stage in my Austintatious weekend preview, I really feel like I’ve really let the Sides down with some of my suggestions. I thought some of them would have Shaw-ly secured a lot of points, but I was in fact very wrong. Admittedly, I probably should have foreseen Amy getting DoD, but she has written a decent match report.

Poll (now closed):

What is your favourite match report from Week 1?

  • Wandies (42%, 27 Votes)
  • Squandies (29%, 19 Votes)
  • Men's Blues (17%, 11 Votes)
  • Nomads (8%, 5 Votes)
  • Women's Blues (3%, 2 Votes)
  • Beds (2%, 1 Votes)

Total Voters: 65

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Yet there are three sides to every coin, and so for every disappointment, there is a surprise plus something else. Stand out performers were jug-avoiding Henry Pulver and 6-times debutant Lara G (CUHC, East Leagues, Home, 2019/20, P3 and Nomads if you were wondering) with two goals apeice. Sadly, they were only picked three times in total, but I’m expecting their names to be the buzz words in the next round of transfer rumours.

Best Team names

It’s fair to say names varied in quality. With three freshers choosing to call themselves the “Fresh Meat of Bel Air”, some of you may say that we have some innocent undergraduates matriculating this year.

I’ve put my top 5 team names in a poll, so go exercise your democratic right, and we’ll get an overall winner.

Poll (now closed):

Best Team Name

  • Jess Czink ur pint (33%, 18 Votes)
  • Sasston Villa (20%, 11 Votes)
  • Last of the Summer Owain (20%, 11 Votes)
  • VenkateSaint Germain (15%, 8 Votes)
  • A. S. Toma (13%, 7 Votes)

Total Voters: 55

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Fantasy Hockey Changes

To make a change to your Fantasy Hockey team, please use this form. Although I have enjoyed being so popular, it is something I’m quite uncomfortable with.

Early Season Reconnaisance

It’s only 142 quality sleeps plus a budget night in a hostel until BDotY! (We all sincerely hope Rob & co. know what this stands for now, but if you don’t then read here)

Hence, I thought I’d do some early season reconnaisance on the famous polytechnic near Milton Keynes, famed for being where Bill Clinton tried to try an illegal substance, and both the current and previous PMs did their bit to aid the British tabloid industry.

Sadly, they have not yet adopted one of the fundamental principles of the now widely used internet; it needs to be regularly updated. I assume this is because they’re still busy trying to work out if their shoelaces are undone or not, or too busy printing names on the back of their shirts because they don’t know each other’s names.

However, regular updates (from CUHC) on this issue are coming soon…

TeamOppositionH/ATimeForm
BedouinCambridge South 1st XIA13:30D
Men’s BluesIpswich 1st XIA14:30L
NomadsSt Ives 1st XIA12:30L
WanderersBroxbourne 1st XI
Bourne Deeping 1st XI
A
H (P1)
13:00
13:30
L
L –
Women’s BluesMaidstone 1st XIH (P1)12:00L
SquanderersSt Neot’s 1st XIH (P3)10:30W

Plenty of time this weekend to get down early and watch the Squandies, plus a Sunday special at Wilby courtesy of the Wanderers. Bring the noise!

Fantasy League Preview – 20+1/09/19

The Wilberfortress is back in the action

With the arrival of League fixtures this weekend, CUHC is getting up to top speed to hopefully win maximum points for the Fantasy hockey teams.

However, first, it is great regret I must issue my first retraction. Whilst I personally thought the fresher’s dictionary was average-to-good, my lid ratings caused tremendous outrage within the ranks of the Men’s blues. After very little debate and much peer-pressure from a puzzled-by-a-kettle 1 out of 10, it was decided to drastically slash Phil ‘the Power’ Taylor’s rating in half. All other ratings remain the same, including those that received N out of A.

With the start of Fantasy Hockey this week, I thought it would be best to provide my top picks. This comes with the unfortunate risk of talking about a great deal of hockey, but I’ll do my best to minimise this.

The Forwards

Residents of our forward lines are pure goalscorers and love to get on their nose. Their opponents might as well be trousers given they regularly rinse and press them. There have been quite a few names banded around, but these are my top 3:

Seb Shaw (MBs) bagged himself a handy number last season. Whilst there is significant video evidence that ‘Sebastian’ loves a chop, the number of goals he should be scoring this season will more than likely cancel out any cards. This also depends on whether he stops worrying about his silly thumb. He’s also coaching the Squandies, so watching them play will add an extra 10% to his game.

Izzy Austin (WBs) managed to persuade me on Saturday that she was the great^n granddaughter of Lord Kelvin, where n is some undetermined integer. In short, they’re somehow related. At this point, I decided to play it 4.2 K, but being the nerd that I am, my internal energy went through the roof. She’s also known to score numerous goals, so in my opinion, she could provide some serious heat upfront for the Wblues, putting her opponents’ defence into a high entropy state.

Joe Chandler (Ws) plays golf. With a nice big swing resulting in very little ping, he’s known to put a bigger than he’s used to ball in an even bigger hole. He’s not quite reached his 12th hole at Amen Corner, so I’d be picking him … for now until he goes replicate Jordan Spieth.

The Midfielders

The general consensus is that you need midfielders who can get ahead. With few other point-scoring opportunities, poor mans strikers are the way to go.

Harry Leng (Ws/MBs) knows where the goal is. He tells me it’s found halfway along each baseline. His youth was plagued by a robotic aiming system, aimbot, but after being suitably reprimanded, he’s learned how to shoot the proper way. He subsequently led the scoring charts in the Wandies last season alongside Joe Chandler.

Amy Edwards (WBs), our Women’s Blues Captain, managed to score twice last weekend. It appears she’s managed to pull herself back into form pretty quickly, and so I reckon she’ll bag a few points this coming weekend. A serious short corner threat and possesses a pretty handy wobble.

Sarah Alsaad (??) was frankly too good for the Beds. Period. Having scored nine in a game last season, who knows what she’ll do this season. She’s also off to a scoring start, with a hat-trick of variable quality, so I’m confident she’ll be bagging the points.

Footage of Sarah’s latest hat-trick

The Defenders

Defenders try to stop goals. Whilst this is entirely true, defenders who score goals and don’t chop could be quite invaluable.

Patrick Leong-Son (Ws/Sqs) loves to use his wheel’s up and down the sideline. Whilst they aren’t particularly quick, he also runs a decent R/O2. Other than this, he’s pretty vanilla, so I’ll move on.

To many, Jess Czink (Ns/WBs) could be a rogue choice. A tactical green card from the Umpire in the friendly last week for a ‘cynical’ chop might have secured her a place in the Nomads. Hence, she can now take a big hit from the top of the D at shorty time and score lots of points.

Ollie Rose (Ws), this year’s Wandies captain, also gets himself up their for short corner routines. His engineering prowess and fast geometry mean he’s renowned for getting the angle of the dangle bang on, so he can either ramp it over the cross-bar, or just continue defending.

The Keepers

This is a tough one. With three teams getting promoted last season, it is likely a few more balls may end up in the goal. This is a grave concern for our opponents, but we should not get too confident, we may also concede.

On the Men’s side, I think you’re pretty safe picking Toby or Will. On the Ladies side, with the same keeper’s as last season, I’m not quite sure who to pick. Apologies for the indecision, but this one is up to you.

Don’t back brooksy, back the beds.

Anon. gas-guzzling ex-webmaster

Freshers

Freshers are always an unknown quantity. Despite having kept my eyes to the ground and ears open, not even I’ve been committed enough to do the level of recon required to make an informed decision. Instead, I decided to make an informed decision about the true random number generator that I’m going to use to select some freshers. After much research about the flaws of Pseudo-random number generators, I picked one based on atmospheric noise.

However, having got myself down to Wilby over the last couple of days, to “cheer on CUHC for the greater good”, I have been able to pick out a few players. First of all there’s a new high-tech gun weapon in town, Martha. After a week’s long whole group discussion, we managed to work out at training that she’s a forward. It looks like she’s got all the skills, but can she get us the goals to pay the bills?

Another pick could be Ella. Whilst CUHC grieved the loss of Hatty darling Darling, the Lord gave us a perfect, if not a better, replacement. With a huge slap in her locker, she’s bound to get a hordern of assists this season. Sadly, we’re not counting them, but there’s a decent chance she’ll get a few goals, and it doesn’t look like she knows how to get rinsed.

It’s fair to say, from the 1 minute 34 seconds that I’ve spoken to the ladies fresher’s, they seem quite nice and so it would be unfair to single them out as the only freshers mentioned. Hence, I’d like to mention Marcus. He seems quite handy at hockey, and his chat has fallen off a cliff since his arrival at the Wilberservice. It looks like he’s going to fit in just fine, and could be a solid pick in your midfield.

The expert picks from Paddy LS Power and LadBrooks

Speaking to our resident tipsters, LadBrooks and Paddy LS Power, I managed to gain even more insider advice about the do’s and do not’s for this year’s season:

  • Toby Fairhurst (GK): Never conceded a goal in a CUHC league fixture and isn’t planning on starting now. An easy 8 points from the clean sheet for opening weekend.
  • Georgie Jones (Fwd): A year away from a CUHC spent “focusing on her degree” paid dividends in the world of academia but has left her with an unquenchable thirst for goals. We’re predicting a hatty this weekend at the very least.
  • James Burman (Def): Last season, the squandies scored 10 against opening week opposition Leadenham without reply, and Major Damo’s South African reincarnation will be looking to start his CUHCareer with another clean sheet. Unlike Major Damo however, James is more likely to leave Cambridge with an MBA rather than an MBE.

Actual Hockey Matches

This week sees four whole matches at the Wilby. Hence, if you’re playing, then get yourself down early, stay after and make a day of it. They’ll be plenty of people knocking around and it’s a great way to catch up and get to know people before Saturday’s grand social.

The Squandies find themselves traveling to RAF Cranwell. Tom and his well-regimented team wilby hoping to get off to a flying start, with a real chance of promotion on their hands.

The WBlues are our other team venturing afar for this weekend. They travel to Harleston Magpies. The Magpies’ spongey waterbase will allow the Wblues to play some seriously flare hockey, and our change to blue socks will help avoid some of the significant confusion that has plagued recent fixtures.

As always, the fixtures table can be found below:

TeamOppositionH/ATimeForm
BedouinCam City 4th XIH11:00
Men’s BluesWest Herts 1st XIH13:30
NomadsSt Neot’s 1st XIH15:00
WanderersBlueharts 1st XIH12:30
Women’s BluesHarleston Magpies 2nd XIA13:30
SquanderersLeadenham 1st XIA12:00

Over and out,

A.W.

P.s. CUHC fantasy hockey is open to both current players and Alumni. It’s free to play and if you’d like to enter please send your name, team name and team to . Rules and players can be found here.

Weekend Preview – 14/09/19

With a Wapping 3/7ths of a week of pre-season firmly under our belts, it’s fair to say that not much has changed at CUHC. With a lot of the same old (and some still fresh) faces, average hockey and “world-class niche chat”, those who’ve turned up to pre-season have at least been blessed with some rather toasty southern weather.

First of all, I hope you’ve all had a cracking summer. The more observant among you may have noticed that the internet looks a little different. You are indeed correct. After having had a small break in Turkey to watch some football, (see the General) the webmaster has been busy at work. Stay tuned for clues about how to enter fantasy hockey.

This weekend, I’m told our Blues have some friendlies, so it would have been impolite not to have offered something. With the Squandies having already got their match practice underway, with an classic performance for the English Carribean Board’s middle order, our Blues wilby hoping to go above and beyond the high bar set by our beloved Squanderers.

For their first friendly of the season, our Men’s Blues travel to Richmond HC. With hopes of promotion this year, having only narrowly missed out on promotion last year, new Captain Ed Tyler is confident of a strong season. I would have offered some chat about this week’s team, but it would have just looked harsh on Silver.

Courtesy of my nervous disposition when talking to girls, I wasn’t able to ask what the ladies have been up to. However, some observant wanderers told me that they’ve got some “class talent”. It must be said that it wasn’t particularly clear what attributes they were referring to, but we’ll find out on Saturday.

I believe our Women’s Blues are playing Wapping HC at the Wilberfortress (14:15 kick off). With some notable departures from their team this summer, Amy Edwards wilby looking to rebuild her squad quickly with said “class talent” before the season gets fully underway. So if you’re in Cambridge and want to avoid watching the Squanderer’s second innings against the Australia-South Africa Alliance, then get yourself down to the Wilberfortress and cheer them on.

But anyway that’s enough about hockey. The start of a new season means one thing, a new batch of delightful freshers. Entering my fifth year as a fresher, I feel extremely qualified to provide some insight. Whether it’s being ID’d for buying matchboxes, convincing students you’re a fifteen-year-old child genius or just trying to have a conversation with Broby Tooks, I’ve been there, done that and got an XS T-shirt.

Starting at CUHC can be daunting, but have no fear! The website is here. Now in its second edition, we’ve issued our updated Fresher’s dictionary. Here you’ll find an A-Z helping you to work out what on earth is going on.

Over and out,

A.W.

Fun Fact: It’s 156 days to BDotY. That’s equal to the number of hourly gongs a clock strikes in one day. 

So long, fair well, aufwiedersehen, good bye…

As another academic year comes to an abrupt end, CUHC says goodbye to some absolute titans this year. Given that at the moment, I have very little of purpose to do with my life, I decided to look back through our archives and give our BNOCs a send-off.

Batty Hevan

The outgoing Batty Hevan has petrified defences with her drag flicking and stood like a rock at the back. Although she’s had a troubling time against the dark blues, she will be remembered as a true CUHC titan that everyone will dearly miss.
Batty has decided to leave Cambridge, and emigrate to the land of opportunity. Here I’m told she’s going to the home of the questionable shade of blue devils. When she’s not trying to beat the tar heels, I understand she’s going to be studying business with the intention of opening up her own curry house, “Balti Heaven”. I believe this comes from her love for Curry King, as detailed here.
Whilst we’ve all loved having her around (and she does really love CUHC…), I think her biggest achievement has been learning to smile.

Hasn’t she done well

Our Darling

Another Wblue and former blues captain moves onwards and downwards (CUHC is just top notch). Hatty has been the other rock at the back, but also offered a lot more, e.g. “barely coaching the beds”. To be brutally honest, I didn’t have much on Hatty, apart from possibly the greatest bit of chat in CUHC history.

I might as well just give up

We all love our Darjeeling, and I’m sure in the wider non-CUHC world she’ll be everyone’s cuppa tea.

Corry, Briscoe & Marsh

Unlike at the king of curries, Luce wilby getting her deposit back for sure. She’s rinsed players in East Leagues and BUCS so many times that she nearly put L’Oreal out of business.
Much like a Cadbury’s Freddo (which now cost a whopping 25p, rising 4.36% per year since its release), Freddie’s value to CUHC has only ever increased. She really is a keeper, but please note she much prefers biscuits to chocolate. She’s always been able to engineer wonder saves, and the subsequent association has often been the cause of many cases of mistaken identity (silly commentators).
And thou shalt not forget Clare, an apparently very sassy fresher who then became the purveyor of albeit late but finely tailored stash (well, there was #nopocketgate).
Crikey, it looks like Bamy has a rebuilding job on their hands.

Ferg & TJ

Ferg McCloob and TJ have headlined the blues for the last three years during their CUHChds.
Learning from your mistakes is important. Sadly, it can sometimes take a while to recognise one, which for these two blokes surmounted to three years.
When they decided to lighten up, both began to flourish. Ferg was a quick learner and managed to develop enough chat in order to be able to manage the internet. An amazing achievement, considering when he left the other place, he, as you would expect, had nothing to offer (e.g. them varsity commentators).
TJ has also contributed greatly to the club, having served in lesser roles such as Blues Captain and coaching roles. However, his place in CUHC history wilby ultimately defined by his last varsity performance, and maybe that rather handy goal he scored with a few minutes left.

Cockers & Minty

I honestly have no chat to offer that is worthy of Cockers. He’s always been KILLIN’ IT. I’ve been told he nearly got a job replacing Michael Vaughan and Shane Warne at the Belgravia Centre, but they worried it’d be a lot of work and they feared accusations of false advertising.

Monty fynnished his Cambridge experience with a sterling year in the Blues. However, when speaking to him, his finest achievement was apparently coaching the Squanderers. And so it should be. Whilst everyone has loved having Monty around, it ends a confusing period for CUHC. Two Monty’s in the blues this year has had me flummoxed; I’m never sure who we’re gossiping about…

Harper

The Wandies lose fewer players this year, but the player they do lose is a large one. After a year in Russia, rumour has it he was heard singing on the plane “Please just take me home, I really just want to go to work”:

Harper at Work. Photography by Sid Neelson

The Nomads

With the departure of Sophie & Georgia, our freshers will now be able to sleep at night (see 2018 BDotY pics). On hearing the news, the bloke at the kebab shop downloaded Tinder and reduced his weekly order of chicken nuggets.

Joking aside, both have been exemplary Nomads (always in cindies, plenty of photo editing, playing a bit of hockey…) and have been core members of the team both on and off the pitch. When speaking about the loss, Krystal said “The nomads won’t be the same without them, and in recent strategy meetings for next season, we’ve been asking how the nomads can avoid Czinking to the bottom of the table.”

Squanderers: Wilde, Brignal, Mr Bird etc.

The Wildebeast has been helping out forward lines around the East leagues for the last four years, gaining nearly as many assists as he did ‘injuries’ to his hamstring. Nicola’s younger brother (for some reason he hates this, so I thought I’d get it in one more time), will also be a great loss off the pitch. His inability to chop means he’s always been the squanderer’s number one, with many great squanderers taking places no. 2 and 3 in his time. Along with many others, Mr Wilde will go down as one of the great perennial squanderers.

Shrignal will be remembered for many things, but mostly for his net goal tally of zero. This doesn’t mean he hasn’t put the ball in the net, but it does suggest he struggles with a sense of direction. But have no fear, Barry Chuckle will soon have a concierge to sort these problems for him. This should hopefully allow him to also focus on caring for his Bonsai tree and his fondness of pickled vegetables.

Mr Bird, I’ve actually forgotten his first name, found his calling card as Squandies social sec. His awful ‘dutty’ tunes, negative chat and inability to mix drinks made him perfect for the role. He has been the perfect squanderer, and many have thoroughly enjoyed serving alongside him. Bird leaves Cambridge having battled through a tough degree, and is looking forward to being able to visit Ballare for the first time in Grad week. For Bird, the sky is the limit, but given he has no calves, I don’t think he’ll be able to jump high enough to reach his potential.

Holden, I’ve forgotten a squanderer. There’s this other Guy that transferred from DUHC. When he wasn’t playing with his latest Lego set, he’s been storming up and down the Sides line for the Squandies. To be honest, it’s a great shame he’s only been here for a year, we’d have really loved to have him around for longer. The same can be said for the son of Ayad; a one year wonder, but frankly I couldn’t have coped with any more of his wonderfully strange chat.

The Beds

El Capitan had a tough act to follow, but she certainly delivered. The Beds have been loving life both on and off the pitch. Their new Instagram (or ‘insta’, which is apparently what cool people call it) has been used as an educational tool by other teams in how to have fun, while El’s interpersonal skills have kept a happy camp which kept on beduwinning. The beds will remember the 2018/19 season fondly, and that’s something for El to be proud of. I apologise that this goodbye has no twist, but I had nothing… I’d like to think I’m good but not that good.

The beds also say cheerio to Holly and Fred. Holly seems to have quite remarkably kept a low profile over the years. From this, I can only conclude she’s probably just quite sensible. Fred, on the other hand, has spent most of the year telling all her other friends in Dutch that the English are weird. Fake news.

Blundies

One time tinder rep and probably the ‘best’ bloke in CUHC & CUAC history, Seeahhron has ‘enlightened’ freshers throughout his time here. Having flahertied with playing in the Wandies and Squandies, he has the accolade of being the first Blundies captain to lose. He eats this on his sleeve with great pride (“In this life you have two choices: eat it or wear it”-Anon. losing blundies captain).

Of course he’s wearing the padded vest … sorry “Gilet”

The Final word

Amongst those above, CUHC will say goodbye to others. I love them all equally, but I decided that I needed a nap, and so had to keep it relatively short. This may week lark is quite tiring.

On behalf of CUHC, thank you for your service. You’ve all been great assets to the club, and wilby sorely missed. You leave some big shoes to fill, but I’m told DJ has a lot of Toma.