Match Reports 2019/20

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20+1/10/19 vs. Blueharts (L 5-2)

The weekend of the 20+1st of September 2019 was a disappointing one for the now aging Wanderers. Not wanting to dwell on it, here is a summary: whistles were blown, the ball was round, hockey was played, sticks clashed, cards were shown, umpires were blind, teams swapped ends at half time, hockey continued to be played, more goals, cards and blindness. In total 7 goals; 2 to the good, 5 to the bad. That’s enough of that…

In terms of social performance, the Wanderers put on a fantastic show. We attended Ollie Rose’s delightful kitchen because Mr Can’t-beer (name changed to protect the identities of those involved) decided to repaint my bathroom tiles and I got in trouble last weekend during Séãnò’s huge 20+1st. The unusual new cocktail concoction of Pimm’s and G+T received mixed reviews but was easy to drink. Games were played and freshers and older players were baffled by the rules as always – seriously I don’t think I’ve truly understood any of them yet. After being muscled out of Hawks by the women’s rugby team (they’re very intimidating) Lewis invited all of CUHC to John’s bar – a decision he would later regret. The Wanderers arrived first and were soon joined by a some of the girls – much to the delight of fresher Owain, who was desperate to show off his knowledge of Excel functions. The Squandies were unfortunately denied entry after a run in with the porters and so the Wandies were tasked with restoring the reputation of poor Lewis – an “asset” of St. Johns college. Fortunately, we were well behaved and games were played and Spoons was attended without a single Wanderer being left behind.

Fantasy hockey seems to be all that is talked about in CUHC at the moment, so I’ve decided to expand open Owain’s fantastic weekend preview and provide a brief report of all the members of the Wanderers so that you can all (particularly the freshers) make an informed decision and maximise your fantasy points. You’re welcome:

Attackers

1. Owain Houghton 

The freshest face to join the Wanderers this year. Mr Houghton has thus far spent all of his time staring at spreadsheets and crunching the numbers for the beloved fantasy hockey. Despite not scoring in the opening game this season, he has been firing home goals in training and will be looking to do just that this weekend. A fine addition to your team and is surely the most experienced hockey freshers throughout CUHC.

2. Joe Chandler

Already a master of the ANAWSTOB (cred. Ollie Duckworth) and having already roofed one for the Wanderers in the first match, Joe is sure to be one of the top picks for this weekend. But will his form continue into this weekend? Only time will tell…

Fig 1. The anawstob pictured for any confused freshers.


3. Tim Venkatessen

Staying true to his name sake, the delicatessen, VK offers a fine and varied selection of goal scoring delicacies for the Wanderers. VK is fantasy obsessed and desperate for the coveted CUHC fantasy hockey trophy, he will not miss any opportunities to score this weekend and get himself to the top of the leader board. He won’t be around for long and will soon be returning to hospitals in the Cambridgeshire area in order to “electrocute people” under the guise of a ‘medical professional’, so get him in your team now so you don’t miss out!

4. David Gibson

Work horse up top for the Wandies. David never stops running on pitch and often manages to find himself with an open goal tap in. Consistent goal scorer for the boys, he looks to provide a consistent stream of fantasy points and is perhaps a hidden gem for any fantasy hockey side.

5. Ben Rushmore

New addition to the Wanderers forward line, Ben is looking to make big waves in the east leagues. He’ll no doubt be hungry for his first CUHC goal and I’m sure will stop at nothing to make it happen this weekend. 

Midfielders

1. George Philips

Fig. 2 El Jefe’s flick visualised


Having spent his summer studying the effects of gravity in the Cambridge physics lab, George has mastered the loopy drag flick. He scored countless goals from this technique last year and could score a lot of fantasy points this season. Unfortunately, the physics labs don’t seem to be equipped with a razor and George now appears to have modelled himself on Wolverine, whether this will impact his game is yet to be seen.

2. Ethan Francis 

AVOID at all costs. Ethan had an absolute disaster in the first game, picking up a cynical green card and losing a game of simple 20+1 to be DoD. Unfortunately, he also captained himself during the double points weekend, giving himself a huge -24 points – a poor start to the fantasy season. Again, personally, I’d avoid picking him for your team.

3. Matt Gleeson

The powerhouse of the Wanderers midfield. Gleeson is a fantastic holding midfielder for the boys and although he didn’t score many goals last year, he is a very solid pick for your fantasy team; rarely picking up cards and always seems to be in the running for MoM. 

4. Tom Edminston

New to the Wanderers this year, Tom has made waves in the midfield. He has a thirst for goals and on his first weekend made some dangerous looking forward leads. Serious potential to earn a lot of fantasy points; a good addition to any fantasy team.

5. Harry Leng

Mr Peng, as top goal scorer last year, is surely an essential pick for your fantasy team. He has maintained his position as drag flicker for the Wanderers and, having scored at the weekend, already displayed his passion for goals. Despite spending all summer in his “PJ’s” (this apparently refers to private jets rather than pyjamas for those who don’t know), his fitness is already top notch and he will no doubt be looking to find the backboard again this weekend.

Defenders

1. Lewis Collins

Lewis is rock solid at centre back. He offers little chat to the umpires (and in general) and is also hoping to establish himself as a flicker for short corners. He could be a massive point scorer in fantasy if he manages to score and the boys keep a clean sheet. Whether this will happen remains unclear, but he could be a great addition to your team – one to watch.

2. Ollie Rose

As captain of the Wanderers this year, Ollie has promoted himself to O1 runner. A goal scoring half back is surely a brilliant asset in a fantasy team and he could be picking u a lot of points – get him in your team!

3. Julian Wreford

Julian puts in the leg work defensively. He could be crucial in keeping clean sheets and could be a big points earner. Julian performed very poorly in fantasy this weekend (finishing on -4 points overall – last place) and will be hoping to rectify this, not least with a good performance himself this weekend. Very strong defensive choice and always a strong contender for MoM.

4. Jason Allen

Dangerous chopper on and off the pitch. How he didn’t pick up a card at the weekend still alludes me and he is always liable for a DoD nomination. This being said, Jallen often makes the long journey up the field for short corners and has shown the ability to bin some flicks, potentially picking up some big fantasy points – proceed with caution.

5. Paddy Leong-Song

Paddy is relatively inexperienced in the ways of the Wanderer but again has showed himself to be a serious threat when advancing up the wing. He is confident on the ball and loves running deflection short corner routines; Paddy is a serious contender for a fantasy team place and is likely to score a few goals over the season.

Goalkeepers

1. Toby Fairhurst

The youngest of all the new Wanderers, Toby Junior will be hoping to prove himself by keeping the teamsheets as clean as possible. Pulling out some impressive saves at the weekend, Brooks II is certainly a strong contender for your fantasy keeper.

28/10/19 vs. Broxbourne (L 3-0)

MoM: Toby Fairhurst, DoD: Ben Rushmore

No Match Report Submitted 🙁

29/10/19 vs. Bourne Deeping (W 5-1)

MoM: Owain Houghton, DoD: Jallen

05/10/19 vs. Sudbury (L 6-1)

Sunday 29th September

The Wanderer’s 1st XI consisted of 16 players although 18 players played for the Wanderer’s 1st XI last weekend. If this confuses you, the Wanderers 1st XI had two games, which we called a ‘double header’. Although I think this is a dubious name because in no part of the weekend did anything have two heads. 

After our 3rd and fourth halves against eleven players from Bourne Deeping, we felt good because we scored four more goals than them which gave us three points. As a result, we felt that we deserved some Joel Candlers so we went to Wanderer’s 1st XI’s Captain’s kitchen in order to have a few cold ones. 

At the kitchen, we travelled a.r.o.u.n.d. t.h.e. w.o.r.l.d. and took, urm, some trains. We then rolled some polymer cubes with numbers on. I’m quite good at this sport, but other players were not and very abusive so they were obliged to give a pleasant sight to onlookers from the lane. 

When the boring gentlemen of some rowing club had finished the jug they all shared and left Hawks, we went in to help D.J. clean up. We can only assume they were all sober, because from the state of the floor, they did not manage to get any in their mouths.

As predicted, following the trend of every social since 1890, the evening escalated. The drink of Thomas Hawk was consumed by many until 11:00:00 BST. Hymns were duly sung and some of the men managed to speak to the ladies that had courteously attended. At one point, I managed to find myself surrounded by a lovely foursome. However, this was quite scary and so I tried to scare them away by spilling a jug everywhere. Surprisingly they all returned, and so in a state of panic, the only plausible option I had left was to start a rendition of the Shandy Man. This allowed me to use my well-defined calves to propel myself upright and thus escape, the inevitable point where I have no tiny talk left.

When DJ told us that we should probably leave, because the sun was rising in Vladivostok, the Shocial shecs shadminned sheir shonly shjob, and left CUHC in the streets. Whilst Vice Captain Ethan’s France is kitchen was an option that Austin, Texas vigorously persuaded the entirity of CUHC to pursue, Vice Captain even in France is was not as enthusiastic and so on our arrival we had to tell the huge crowds they were not welcome. This went down better than I expected, although it did mean that CUHC were left in the streets. At this point I decided that nothing good could come from staying out later, so I decided to walk home.

On my way home, I was delighted to share my stroll with a well lubricated English Jack. Jacques d’anglais thought it was a good idea to cycle home. I thought it was not. Despite my best efforts, Englisch Wagenheber managed to sit on his two wheeled death machine and play a game of human pinball in the taxi rank. Once the pinball had fall into the drain and we had spoken to the taxi drivers, who were angry about his new highscore, I was pleasantly met by two fellow pensioners. Jimothy and Eduard live a long way away from anywhere fun and kindly agreed to escort Gato Inglès to his abode which is also far away.

Monday 30th September

With the full Izabella Montégomès, The Queenio’s College of St Margaret and St Bernard, on tour alongside former president, ex-nomad and current blue Olive, The College of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Saint John the Evangelist and the glorious Virgin Saint Radegund, near Cambridge, the nomads were left with me to push pass on my limited knowledge. Whilst my prefrontal cortex, frontal lobe, and parietal lobe were saturated with ideas about the best ways to drill the nomads, it appears the atmosphere was super-saturated with oxidane, and so it rained. A lot.

Nonetheless, the nomads ploughed on and trained well. They didn’t like that I made them run a lot, but as I told them, running is important and you should be able to run more fast so that there are less people who are more fast than you which will mean you wilby better at hockey.

Because the wandies had had a two-headed weekend, they were feeling tired and so did not train. This was a good idea because it meant I could coach the nomads but also watch people run, rather than run myself which would have hurt my well-defined calves.

Tuesday 1st October

I did worry at the time of writing that this was going to be a 12C copy of Monday 30th September, but the lord must have foreseen I was going to be DoD, and so made sufficient changes such that Tuesday 1st October was sufficienlty unique in order to merit inclusion in my match report.

The main difference was that the Wandies did train, allowing me to use my well-defined calves, and the nomads also trained but now at a different hour of the day. The Nomads asked me to teach them how to reverse hit, or as they sometimes call it on the television, a Thomas Hawk. It should be made clear that while I did manage to be semi-half successful at informing them how to hit the ball with the part of the back of the stick that isn’t curved, I, myself have intermittent success with this skill and so once they all got the idea and were poor-to-average we swiftly moved on before I had to make any basic-to-advanced coaching points.

Wednesday 2nd October

This was my final day of coaching of the Nomads, which I think they were quite happy about. I also found a Wantian hanging around Pitch 1, Wilberforce Road Sports Ground, Wilberforce road, CB3 0HQ. Because HFLTBeds [Hantian Flourescently Loves The Bedouin for the uninitiated], he kindly helped out watching them run and hit the ball with their sticks. 

I think the Wanderers 1s then had a training session, but I can’t really remember since all the days get really similar in pre-season. Anyway, I’ve digressed…

The evening of Wednesday 2nd October was then spent in Grandma’s Mexico. Beforehand, a little Wanderers 1s went to the house of Captain Rose Petal of The College of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Saint John the Evangelist and the glorious Virgin Saint Radegund, near Cambridge, to have some Demetris Stellanous. Once lubricated, we arrived unfashionably £3 late, and so we had to cram in a corner. I had a lovely date with Saido Eduardo on a table for two. After a few Mexican Crown’s and a silly hand squeezing game from Thomasch Vitvorth, I took on my alter ego of Paddy McIrish Ale. Despite my best efforts to “let the K see the dilla”, there was not a lot of likey. I attributed this to the fact that few freshers possessed a worthwhile party trick.

After a brief trip to portugal place, the stragglers visited the college of the not so Blessed Bloody Mary, Saint John’s bar, and the glorious light blue Venkatesen, ubiquitously known as Ballare. Here I made some decisions which lead to me writing this match report.

Whilst I cut some polyhedra, I met a Cinderella. A four foot defender apparently slurred to me, I should not be affectionate, but as an anon. Bedouin pointed out, this four foot defender would show affection to anything that breathes, although insects don’t technically breathe and I think he would show them affection. Nevertheless, I showed a brief display of affection. It then stopped and I carved out some more polyhedra, faked some lyrics and then went home to find my bed because my well-defined calves were tired.

Thursday 3rd October

If there’s one thing I have learnt while at The Chancellor, Masters, and Scholars of the University of Cambridge, it is that alcohol (more specifically dil. C2H5OH but consuming CH3OH amongst others is also very strongly not advised) is bad for you. 

For those of you also looking to avoid the experience of various unpleasant physiological and psychological effects following the consumption of alcohol, the NHS provides some very sage advice, which at the aim of avoiding going into too much detail can be found by the hyperlink. Another pinch of parsley advice is not to overexert yourself if you have had one or a little too many. Sadly, this has not been heard by Kirani Giless is not moure, who made us all run a lot in some counter-attack drills.

Friday 4th October

To the delight of many, the joke that I am a fresher is, in fact, not a joke, but an actual fact this year. This means I have had to make new ‘friends’, because my college has told me too.

This meant my Friday was spent doing lots of [forced] fun activivies. 

In having the honour of matriculating again, I had to go to various mixers. It turns out that whilst undergrads basically just come from London, the grad students come from many different places, and many different countries. Because I don’t have a degree in colouring in, I didn’t even know where some of these places were, which became quite awkward when I had to politely admit that I had no idea. Nonetheless, they were very nice about it and I learnt a lot. Fun fact that the average age of a grad student is 25. This means I am now a very fresh grad. 

Whilst the graduate students went on a domesticated fresher’s night out, I stayed at home and watched the latest round of Monday Night Hockey on my own very domesticated Friday night. 

Saturday 5th October

The Wanderers 1s travelled to a place called Sudbury. They welcomed us with a tweet, which I replied to in order to show our excitement. They claimed to have the sandiest pitch in the East Leagues. This is a bold claim. 

The Wanderers 1s played like the Wanderers 2s and so came second at the final whistle. We were a bit disappointed about the result, but it gave us food for thought. This is another strange idiom, which if anyone, who’s read this far, knows it’s origin then please let me know.

After our game, we came home. Knowing I was writing a match report, my prefrontal cortex, frontal lobe, and parietal lobe were now saturated with ideas of ways to fill a page with many words with as little meaning as possible. This meant I left my house keys in the car. This was a problem and so I had to cycle more than I had hoped. Silly Fresher.

12/10/19 vs. Shefford & Sandy (W 1-0)

This has been an uneventful week for me. I am a boring old seventh year and thus I am apparently eligible for being voted as Dod. Even Mr Harry Atkins failing in his duties to the club (details to follow) could not prevent me from being voted Dod for absolutely no reason at all (that I can tell – if you can think of a reason then please do enlighten me). 

I am not quite so boring as to miss pre-season full club swap completely. Upon arriving at Wanderers cocktails with the gentlemen of the Wanderers (many of whom were late –  standards are slipping) and the lovely ladies of the Nomads beverages were consumed in a timely fashion. It must be noted that gender segregation was very much evident at the beginning of the social as shy Wanderers were unable to initiate conversation with Nomads and some of the older members of the room resorted to forced mixing of the groups. Flourishing was then observed with further mixing for an hour when the social was quenched by the arrival of 8pm. The participants were then filtered off to Curry King and the filtrate disposed of by yours truly as toxic waste. 

Curry King was an eventful affair. Jefe lost his bottle and forgot how to talk to members of the George Foreman clan. He was, however, still able to see and so could be part of the crowd around centre court for the ensuing Naan tennis match. Ollie Rose won the toss and decided he would get served first so Jall’nfrezi duly obliged.  Unfortunately this first attempt was well wide of the mark and a fault was called. It was doubly the fault of Jason that he ordered the vegetarian curry when he wanted chicken and was forced to concede the point. (what the point was I really don’t know) Jangleterre continued the match with an excellent rally with his opponents before a sudden madras-h of blood to the head caused him to attempt to smash a Ben Boona into the crowd. Thankfully the crowd were wearing bright orange so the stains weren’t noticed. More scoring occurred but even though each side had won three points, Curry King weren’t serving deuce so with one point to win a Rogue-n Julian appeared to guide the Wanderers to victory. The full time whistle was then blown and the crowd and victorious players made their way to Hawks for some lovely battle axes.

Delicious beverages were consumed, games were played and CUHC got it wrong. Badly wrong. Glasses were broken (why we were trusted with glasses in the first place beats me) and a waiter of low IQ was the unfortunate receiver of partially digested curry. The club was then split between life and death. Sorry, Life and Fez. I have no idea what happened here but I heard good reports. 

Now onto the hockey. The Wanderers trained well this week and were raring to go on Saturday morning. A wet windy Wanderers Wilby is always an exciting prospect but the gentlemen seemed particularly keen for this weekend as six points were on offer. I wasn’t allowed to run as fast in the warm up as I wanted to but some things never change. We kept possession well throughout the game moving the Shefford and Sandy defence around. As usual we panicked in the D and couldn’t find the net but were able to find the opposition feet and win corners. Our corner practice could clearly do with some work as we were unable to score any of these set plays until the second half when Lewis slotted one in the bottom left corner – big fantasy points on offer here. We thought we might all have been promoted to the Squanderers when the ball found its way into our own goal but we breathed a sigh of relief when the umpire correctly noticed that the S&S player had controlled it with his big size 5s. A 1-0 scoreline gives the Ws a big W before the visit to St. Albans tomorrow. 

Oh, I’ve forgotten to mention Harry Atkins. Harry has decided that after last years ULO approach of 4 is 1 and 5 is 2 he would compensate and not organise any umpires for the Squandies game. Massive thanks must go to Lewis Collins (of kicking back fame) and JP for filling in with approximately -2 minutes notice. 

Ciao Ciao

13/10/19 vs. St. Albans (W 3-2)

MoM: VK, DoD: Atkins

No match report submitted 🙁

19/10/19 vs. Havering (W 1-0)

Wanderers vs. Havering 1s MoM VK, DoD Kabir 

Following on from three wins on the trot, Saturday marked a great opportunity to maintain form and continue to climb through the ranks of Prem B. After a strong warm up on Wilbys favourite trampoline, commonly referred to as ‘Pitch 2’, the game started well. With opportunities coming thick and fast in front of the opposition goal, we showed great resilience to deny the opposition keeper of work. Noticing this, star striker Julian decided to (quite literally) make an impact. Having heard of the strong medicinal properties of cabbage when in contact with injured ankles, he was motivated to experimentally test such rumours. We hope that no repeat measurements are required for accuracy.

Now down to 15, our attacks persisted with a goal eventually materialising from some solid team play and a finish from JEngland (pictured). The game ended 1-0, securing yet another three points to push us closer to the non-existent promotion spots. This top form continued into teas, with six people being equally nominated for MoM and the award itself therefore having to be decided via elite intellectual gauntlets such as simple 20+1. Whilst to the untrained mind this would present an equal opportunity to seize the award, CUHC veteran VK utilised immense tactical acumen to emerge victorious. Despite both voting for himself for MoM and shamelessly initiating a game of simple 20+1 with only two other nominees remaining, it was a fitting (albeit temporary) end to a glittering career.

Jengland in full flight before scoring
26/10/19 vs. Upminster (L 2-1)

MoM: Ethan Francis, DoD: Ollie Rose

Match report to be submitted soon…

02/11/19 vs. Waltham Forrest (W 2-1)

The day started like any other. 7:45 alarm for a 9am start in West Cambridge. Except this was no ordinary day. Bacon butties and Angus Batches of Parisian pastries flowed around Wilby as fluidly as Faf de Klerk’s locks as his team cruised past an England defence that was  Hather-all over the place. The less said about this the better. After what felt like an eternity, biaxial ellipsoids were swapped for dimpled spheres, and hockey was allowed to begin.

Standing on the Sidesline, we watched in awe as a Bourne Deeping defence struggled to Martha Hoult the flow of goals that the Squandies were depositing into the back of their net. Once we were Shaw victory was assured, Meehan the boys stumbled over to watch the Nomads having it all their Vivi Way against Cam City. 1-1 seemed harsh.

At last, it was time for our game, which was as Annabel Follows: The wanderers’ performance was as stuttering as the sky signal to the Wilberforce road clubhouse, but positives can be taken from some good defending that kept Waltham Forest out until 20 minutes from Leanne Tyme. Toby made a fair-host of saves as we stumbled to a 2-1 victory thanks to Lewis’ best Handré Pollard impression (middle middle). Before we knew it, the game was Gigi Dunn, but we were Sahotafter the match we stuck around to watch Wapping sadly Czink the Wblues. Jim Dickinschlid suggested I get DoD even though he was over the other Sides of the room and didn’t actually see me kick over a small child’s glass of water in my rush to the bacon butties.

Supposedly, some members headed to spoons for a Kirsty Hume-ungous fundraiser, but I Emily Bailed after Hawks because sleep is Lomás importante.

MoM: Toby 2

DoD: Paddy

23/11/19 vs. Letchworth (L 3-2)

CUHC away debut.

A prompt 8:13 message from a Mr Rose confirmed my greatest hopes. After a night canooodling in the pub observed by some of our finest CUHC members on lime and sodas (grow up lads) and an unfortunate buttock injury to dimi, it was going to be my first away debut. What a day.
Meet at Wilby was uneventful and the drive down consisted of standard chat, a cheeky speeding ticket and some quality tunes.
Highlight: undertaking Rowland after he thought he was man enough for the overtake. Cute.

All that aside and we rocked up at a pitch which seemed to be drawn by an 8 Yr old. Lines as straight Elton John and a bounce as dull as listening to Hugo taking about his blues days. The changing room wasn’t much better, quick bit of quick cricket and some ball tossing we soon realised actually listening to ollys line up and tactics might actually be more interesting.

Pre match antics aside and onto the game. *Disclaimer – due to recent match reports some facts might be changed to add to the enjoyment of the reader and due to my lack of memory.

Strong start, lots of leads, the ball was fizzing around like a well shaken coke can and soon after soaking up some pressure and solid defending from Lewis and Rowland. We soon managed to locate Hugo up top who promptly made their defence look silly and win a p-flick. The flick was as smooth as his luscious locks and we where 1-0 up. Get in.
This didn’t last long, paddy decided hockey wasn’t for him and football was his sport and after numerous feet and short corners, Toby holding strong in goal. The pressure told, and unfortunately they manged to sneak one in the back of the net from a counter.

CUHC had plenty of chances, the ball being shipped across goal with silver and Gibson with decent chances. The only problem was that it didn’t want to end up in the goal…. By this point the match had deteriorated into a what can only be described as a fist fight. Numerous CUHC (mainly lewis) got told to go to the gym and Ben took an elbow to the neck, which In the eyes (or one eye of the ancient geezer with glasses) of the umpire was an obvious foul. Ben, come on mate if your gonna make a fuss, at least foul the block properly. Toby decided to pick a fight with a very angry man and was gonna finish him in the showers? Take that as you will but rather you than me Toby.

More chances went amiss and the whistle blew for half time. A very uninspiring team talk really roused the spirits and lack of jelly babies was a concern. But onto the second half. Heffae was all over the ball like a terrier with a rat and I think I saw kabir run? Much like kabir in cindies, our conversion rate was poor and more opportunities went amiss, especially myself which I had almost too much time top D, a cheeky coffee and after waiting for the ball to slowly roll into the D, managed to put it wide. Some say you miss by an inch you miss by a mile, good job mine was a mile. Embrassing.

Other highlights of the seconds half:
Olly Rose got pointed out by the opposition, in their words not mine, as “dog shit”. Made up for it by getting our second goal late in the half. Good stuff.
Ethan getting mild concussion.
Jack did some running and managed to rack up some cards and 10mins on the bench. Lovely tackles mate, I can see why you play upfront.
They scored 2 more.

Post match reflection:
Silver spends to much time fondling instead of showering
Onion bahji doesn’t really go with baked potatoes
Someone is the best in the world at milk to weetbix ratio (subjective)
Olly lost the team sheet under his plate
Will James needs to up his post match wear after a poor showing of black tie on Wednesday and wearing Oxford trackies post game. Tut tut.
Lewis does a great artistic drawing of the pitch on a mirror and someone likes compression pants?

All in all a disappointing results as they where toilet and we could of had them.

Mom- Forgot but I’m sure they had a great game.
Dod- Will James- numerous reasons but to sum up- speeding ticket, poor dress sense

11/01/20 vs. Bourne Deeping (W 4-0)

So today did not start well. After a quiet evening in I went to bed at a reasonable time excited to be playing hockey in the morning after far too many weeks without the Wandies. It fails me as to why I then committed the mistake that would cost me the crucial votes for Dod but nevertheless I did. At 10:15am 14 Wandies congregated at wanderful Wilby and Mr Peony decided that all were present and correct. Now, the fact that all who were present were correct I do not doubt and in this I cannot fault our captain. I can, however, find fault with his counting. 4 is 1 and 5 is 2 and 14 may be 11 and 15 may be 12 but 14 is not 15.

I was not present and this had not been noted by our captain. I was still asleep.

In a land far far away I woke up, looked at my watch to see the time showing 10:20. I chuckled to myself and wondered how I had managed to set my alarm for 10:20 instead of 9:00. I then checked my phone. It was indeed 10:20 and I was late. Very late. I tried to phone Ranunculus but he didn’t pick up. He had obviously decided with my performances in the first half of the season that I was no longer necessary for a big Wandies W so 14 was close enough to 15 that I could be left behind. A few missed calls later I managed to get hold of our esteemed webmaster to notify him that I was (a) alive and (b) wanting to play. A swift shower, and packing and I was ready to be picked up at 10:35. A large car with many people already in it arrived at my house and we made our way up the (still not quite open) A14. A detour through Godmanchester and Hinchingbrooke allowed OAP alcopop to regale us with tales of walking down the A1307 between GP practices on his travels. What an interesting life he has had.

When we eventually got there I was given hope in my fight to avoid a second Dodship in 4 years by Mr William James. He had joined the boys in Hawks the previous night and was confused by this type of beer his fellow Wanderers were consuming. Nevertheless he ploughed on and ordered his own “normal” beer. This was a mistake. Consumption of beer is welcomed during most of the occasions in which we frequent the establishment of the birds of prey but prey upon the iniquities of the uninitiated we do not. Mr James was informed that consumption of beer or other alcoholic beverages was not allowed the night before games lest that man be fined for such practices. 

We warmed up poorly but started the game well. Keeping the ball around the back seemed not to faze our defenders and midfielders (to be fair the press was light) and eventually we got our chance. Julian drove down the right hand side, along the baseline and played the ball across, only for it to deflect into the path of Will who pushed it simply past the keeper for our first goal. The rest of the first half passed smoothly with smooth passing but not into the goal and it remained 1-0 at HT.

In the second half we switched off a bit and as we felt looser so was our marking. Bourne Deeping had a few chances and Julian enjoyed some cheddar after falling over into one of their players but the goal was not troubled. Their centre-back decided I hadn’t had enough to do in the game so he gave the ball just outside their D with far too much time and I panicked and tried to lob the keeper. Thankfully the rebound fell to Jim who passed it to Mr Carnation who put it in. 2-0. I can’t remember how the third goal went in, sorry Jengland but Begonia scored an O3/2 and we won 4-0. Congratulations go to the Wandies for their first win in the first game of a calendar year in CUHC memory and to Will for being good enough at 5s to win Mom (unlucky Camellia).

Mom: Will James

Dod: David Gibson