Happy New Decade! L’avant-première de Weekend (11/01/2020)

You can pick a whole new fantasy hockey team for this term. All changes 100% off. This weekend only. Everything must go! 

New teams welcome (Freshers, Parents, Family & Friends, Alumni, Vice-Chancellor get involved!)! There wilby a winner for both the term and overall! Follow this link and email with your team!

Those all-important New Year’s peace summits

Firstly, happy new year to the entirety of CUHC and all its loyal, global following. The CUHC media team hopes you’ve had as lovely a holiday as possible. The extent of loveliness that can be achieved in the absence of hockey does remain up for debate…

And now it’s 2020. Crikey. That came fast. It made me feel very old when I realised that for some of you the 2010s was the first entire decade that you’ve lived through. Blimey. You’re so young. I really do feel for those poor freshers in 101 years’ time. Chop. Perhaps that’ll be one to forget.

With the advent of a new year comes a brand spanking new set of resolutions. Lol. I can’t wait for these. Yes, 2019 went like a blur and so I don’t want my memories of this year to be fuzzy.

Hence this year, my new year’s resolution is 4K. Say goodbye to fuzzy. It’s not that 1080p let me down; high definition has been a game-changer, but a 120-fps frame rate is really going to add proper quality to my PowerPoint productions. Jeez. This gets me going.

Speaking of getting me going, it’s a mere 38 days until BDotY™. More on that in the coming weeks. Fun Fact: In Norse mythology, the number 38 was said to represent unnatural bravery.

In the spirit of improving image quality, I spoke to our Captain’s about how they’re going to reduce their aberrations this year. Focus. These are important:

Ed: “We’ve never lost a game in this decade – long may this continue. We’re gonna win in Wales, end the consumption of meat and concede less goals”

Amy: “I want to keep in the positive fantasy points. That’s not to say that I don’t want to squanderer any opportunities to get to know people better! I think the Fbleus should aim to win against *UHC. Their DBlaus are only playing Sunday league hockey this year.”

Totton: “I want to get at least 21 adverts for the varsity programme. Keep them coming chaps!”

Tom: [Editors Note: Already Broken] “To stop watching TV on my own, but then had to change it to just Netflix.”

Ollie, Kirsten and Bailes didn’t give me a new year’s resolution. I can only assume they, therefore, think they are perfect. I must sadly remind them of the existence of Abbe’s law.

A look forward to 2020 – an alternative preview

If you haven’t already realised, I’m revelling in the opportunity to make as many optics gags as possible. Crikey, I do love waves and optics. Hopefully, you’ll also see the light and have a little chuckle. If not, I’ll provide you with some foresight and I wouldn’t read on…

Can you see 2020? Note this is actually to scale.

2020 is a big year. That’s not just because it has an extra day. There’s a lot going on:

Olympics – The world’s best athletes all meet for the quadrennial Loogaborouga university alumni event. They’re alumni and current students won 6 gold medals at Rio in 2016. The University of Cambridge has still won more medals overall, and the Wandies have scheduled 3 points against them in a few weeks time. Fun fact: At least one alum of USC has won a gold medal at every Olympics since 1912. 

Euro 2020 – We also have the European championship of hockey without sticks. Every time I watch this I can’t help but notice how many fouls are committed. It’s being played in 12 different cities around Europe, which I’m sure will make Greta delighted. I hope for her sake that Northern Ireland qualifies in group C. At least she’ll have psycho Amy to keep her company (Northern Ireland didn’t qualify):

2020 Copa América – For the true football addict, the Copa América in Columbia and Argentina is the real high in this year’s calendar. VAR wilby a hot topic yet again. If only FIFA would listen to our very own Sun-Pat-powered Adam Shafiq (@AdamShafiq_). 

T20 World Cup – Yes the next 2020 world cup will be held in T20. It’s going to be held in Australia. Whilst I was doing my big 5 stretches, it came to me that Kangaroos at London Zoo would really like Yoga. They’d be springier and get all that mindfulness stuff. Plus when they’re in downward dog or Sirsasana they’d feel fewer homesick.

Elections – It’s an election year. Not in the UK, but it is in Taiwan, Peru, Slovakia, North Macedonia, Serbia, Bolivia and the Dominican Republic. But without doubt, the biggest one of them all is the CUHC webmaster. In a worldwide exclusive interview, we can reveal that the current webmaster won’t be standing for re-election. The pool of candidates remains pretty open. More to follow… 

There’s also this weird one in America. It’s technically only for 2020, but because of the census, a redistribution of votes and some other stuff, it’s basically the election for 2036. I don’t understand but if you do get it, email me at . I’ll buy you a cup/pint/gallon of coffee/beer/toma/etc. and you can explain it to me…

This Weekend

Meanwhile, if you look in the Fresnel limit of the 2020 grating (niche even by my standards, I’m about to Cornu Spiral out of control), you’ll find the opening round of East Leagues fixtures. 

In the run-up to varsity, I’ve been busy forming a network of agents to gain as much intel as possible about the other place. Over the next few weeks, they’ll be providing you with all you need to know about the other place. As a practice, the network has given me intel about this weekend:

  • A disappointing result for the Squandies last weekend means they’re gap at the top has narrowed by 6 points. They face St Neots this weekend. I don’t remember much of the last time I played there… @Squandies, don’t headbutt the ground.
  • The WBlues have the chance to start the leap year with a leapfrog. Maidstone have either won, lost or drawn all of their twelve games this season and #W+#D=#L.
  • The Nomads face St Ives. St Ives has one of the four statues of Oliver Cromwell in the country and is marginally worse at hockey than the Nomads in the season so far. A 6 pointer is on the cards.
  • The Wandies have one and a half games of hockey. On Saturday they play Bourne Deeping. They lost last time. On Sunday they play Blueharts. They’ve already played half a game, but it was one to forget, so they’re trying again. No one headed the ground, but there was frosty frost.
  • The Beds play Cambridge South. Cambridge South look quite good at hockey. It’s that or they really don’t know how to lose.

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