Alumni Weekend Preview

In a worldwide exclusive, please see below a leaked version of our inspection report by alumni from the upcoming alumni weekend!

23 days to BDotY! Fun fact: Dr Pepper is flavoured with a proprietary mixture of 23 flavourings.

Cambridge University Hockey Academy

Inspection report

Unique Reference Number4322666
Local AuthorityCambridgeshire
Inspection number1890
Inspection date24 January 2020
Reporting inspectorAlumni

Type of SchoolAcademy & Sixth Form
School CategoryCambridgeshire
Age range of pupils18-32
Gender of PupilsMixed
Number on Roll133
Appropriate AuthorityThe Shadministry
ChairLord General Baz
HeadteacherMr Louis Totton
Date of previous school inspection26 January 2019
School AddressThe Wilberfortress
Contact Address


Following an unexpected ‘requires improvement’ designation in last years’ completely redacted report, a visit this year was commissioned to assess how improvements have been made to specific areas of the school’s performance ahead of the BDotY examinations.

The inspection was carried out by three teams of prestigious alumni. The inspectors evaluated the overall effectiveness of the school and investigated the following issues:

  • The quality of coaching, and a suitable lack of, where appropriate,
  • Interpersonal & conversational skills,
  • The standard of student achievement,
  • The quality of school uniform and school meals,
  • The involvement and contribution of leaders at all levels in developing the school.

The inspectors gathered evidence from lesson observations, informal discussions, school documents, including weekend previews and fantasy hockey statistics. Discussions were held with teachers, governors and students.

Description of the school

This very popular over-subscribed school is larger than average. The socio-economic circumstances of students are well above average. It is hockey after all. Students travel to the school from three countries, the United Kingdom, Girton and Homerton. The proportion of students classified as ‘atypical’ is well above average, although this can be explained by the dominance of science and engineering. The vast majority of students are from White British heritage; very few students speak conventional English as an additional language. 

The attainment of students when they join the school is usually below average in useful skills such as being able to look after yourself. Student attainment is, however, well above average in unnecessary hobbies such as calculus, naming the bones in the body and critiquing the work of Tolkein.

Key for inspection grades

Grade 1 Got a wobble
Grade 2Average
Grade 3Loves to panic
Grade 4Chopper

The overall effectiveness of the school


Grade 2

This academy tries its very best to live up to its ancient motto of ‘GDBO’. With the omission of an anomaly last year, the recent excellence that the school achieves results from the emphasis given to this motto in all aspects of its work. Students are overwhelming in their praise of the academy. Parents expressed delight with the choral skills exhibited at the multiple family events held throughout the year. Pressure for places is high because of the academy’s excellent reputation in the locality and further afield.

Quality of Teaching

Grade 1

Throughout the school, the boys and girls are taught separately to reflect their different learning styles. In the senior school, experimental teaching of girls in the blue house has led to some interesting results. In their most recent transferable skills session, girls learnt that if you’re awful at one sport, then if you pretend to be bad in other sports, you’ll perform in the top decile. Meanwhile, the boys in the blue house learn in a more traditional rote learning approach. Through repetition and reading of extensive textbooks sent each Friday night, they have adapted the approach famed in Singapore and pioneered by housemaster Bang-Li-Star Chan-Li. In junior school, boys in the wanderer’s house are frequently taught through ‘positive reinforcement’. Rewards are set for high performing candidates, whilst underperforming candidates are provided with additional teaching to rig-d’or-ously condition them for their upcoming annual assessments.

Extra-curricular activities are led expertly, with minimal contact time. This allows students to develop into true autodidacts, learning from their surroundings. As expected, results show a greater degree of scatter, but the approach reveals intangible long-term benefits.

Student Achievement

Grade 1

Performance of the school can be easily evaluated through their performance league tables. The school conducts weekly assessments in order to evaluate the performance of all classes. Data is rigorously analysed and summarised in an exemplary manner.

Analogous to attainment 8 scores

Independent tests carried out by the inspectors show that their remains room for improvement. This is somewhat surprising given the array of high performing graduates and those that have gone on to work at a now less familiar technology-enabled management consultancy. Teams of inspectors tested students rigorously in each house to identify flaws prior to their annual assessments. Their vivas were weak, with many gaping holes, indicating that youth should still respect their elders. 

Interpersonal Skills

Grade 3

The quality of interpersonal skills was consistent with previous reports. Informal conversations highlighted a lack of basic conversation skills. When speaking with those of opposing gender, male students lacked a great degree of confidence. A plausible explanation cannot be found, although conversation flowed better after milk time.

More generally, the academy should be extremely grateful that comedy is not contained within the national curriculum.

School Uniform

Grade 4

Recently, supply issues have hampered efforts to standardise appearance. Attempts by the boys to sexualise the school uniform were quickly quashed by the staff. Inspectors were informed that it was a tight call, but the problems were numerous. A replacement uniform is still to arrive and the uniform secretary in HR is yet to send a postcard to send a letter to send an email to have a phone call to have a meeting to get a confirmation date for delivery. 

For the annual examinations, the dress code is yet to be confirmed. This leaves many students confused and worried about what to wear. Inspectors were told that a list of acceptable items for each house was due soon, after submissions from house captains, but that all ‘dark’ blue items are strictly prohibited (see C7).


Grade 2

The school canteen provides students with hot food. The salad is fresh and crispy, the rest of the food is hot. Boys in ‘blue house’ have shown a high degree of global awareness and are trying to eat more veg. 

Pasta is the sustenance of the Italian economy

More generally, nutrition is taken very seriously, with no milk being consumed on Fridays. The students also show commendable global awareness, as illustrated by their efforts to keep the Italian economy afloat. 


Grade 1

The committee works tirelessly to keep the club running. The headteacher has assembled an exemplary team of knowledgeable staff. This is backed up with a group of procrastination-prone students who form an excellent set of house captains.

The exams officers have organised a good quality group of invigilators who enforce regulations consistently and fairly. Not all heroes wear capes. As always, some of them are more aware of their surroundings than others, and some of them have a better understanding of the regulations.

Finally, the welfare committee appears well-prepared for the imminent setting, having discussed and laid the key groundwork with house captains to help explain decision-making processes. No student should feel unable to contact a welfare officer, they are extremely capable.

What the school should do to improve further

  • More wholesome events such as Pictionary, film nights, trips to Super 6s… Fewer wholesome events also encouraged, but there appear to be many already in the school calendar.
  • Score more goals, concede less goals.

Annex A: Upcoming assessments

SquanderersLong Sutton 2nd XIA14:30WWL
BedouinPelican 1st XIA13:45WLL
WanderersShefford & Sandy 1st XIA14:30WLW
NomadsSudbury 1st XI A12:15DWD
MBluesCoP 2nd XIA14:30WWW
WBluesUpminster 1st XIH13:00DWD

Weekend Preview 18/01/2020

With BDotY now fewer than 5 weeks away, 30 days to be exact, it means it’s time to roll out the traditions (Fun Fact: Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. In modern money, this would only pay one term’s subs!). 

With the Michaelmas term now under our belts, everyone’s had a chance to settle in. More importantly, it’s given us at CUHC media 8 whole weeks to assess your worth to CUHC. Hence, without further ado, we would like to introduce the annual freshest freshers competition. 

According to the so-called bastion of the English language, the *ED, a fresher is a young frog. This may help explain why one fresher, jumped in, the Cam. Two freshers. Nope, you fresh fresher…

Freshers are, in fact, the newcomers who haven’t yet settled down and learnt how CUHC works. Some are silly, some are boring. Here at CUHC, we run a rigorous, non-toxic assimilation course starting with simple tasks, like counting hockey balls, before progressing up to more challenging tasks such as leaving Hawks quietly. Sadly, this year, we have not had a 100% pass rate and some graduates of the course have had their licence revoked.

We, therefore, after a two-year hiatus, commence the annual vote for the freshest fresher. It’s simple, whoever you think looks like they came out of the allotment last wins. The prize for the Freshest Fresher wilby a 2-week immunity from being DoD*.

Freshest Freshers – The candidates

Pronunciation does require a slight-to-strong northern twang

Aim Here Head Woods

An influx of commencing undergraduates this season provided hope that the Wblues would be the topic of gossip, rather than poorly written (and sung) covers of Ed Sheeran. Unfortunately, these newcomers have grown up quickly to a somewhat modest height.

But as any captain must, Aim here has put a target on her back for the default DoD shout. This was rationalised by the content of her Xmas dinner speech, which to the uninitiated would have seemed somewhat self-centred. I’m also told that the Wblues have written a biography about Aim here on a spreadsheet somewhere in the electronic aether.

After a rogue midweek fixture against the light reds (Aim here was on target and scored yet again on a Wednesday), the Wblues travel to Dereham this week. More importantly, they have curry night with the gentlemen of the 1derers. 

Joe Root (no. 66)

After some great results in the summer, Root’s career has since been remarkably average. In the player rankings, Root lies outside the top 10 (Root’s not in my fantasy). However, it’s Roots’ Alexir of youth off the pitch that is irreplaceable to the team.

Despite questions about the performance of the team, Root parrys off these questions with each and doesn’t moen about the relentless chat about off-pitch endeavours. Whilst it has been an atypically quiet, and perhaps disappointing, few months for the team, Root continues to get with other teams and learn how the team can improve.

But form is temporary and class is permanent. CUHC media has no doubt Root wilby essential to the campaign. 

The Nomads continue their season against North Norfolk. Although it will be tough against third in the league, three points would help widen the gap to the drop zone. England are 224-4 overnight.

 The bedouin

A bit of a mystery. I know all their names, faces, hometowns, birthdays, positions and performance-related statistics, but what I don’t know what they do in their free time. However, with the exception of Bailes (Pryle is olde but still very fresh), on the balance of probability, they’re all pretty fresh. That’s not to say they aren’t invaluable assets to CUHC, but given the words I’ve said so far, I’m going to stop before I get reported.

The fresh bedouin host Bury St Edmunds this weekend. After a tough run out against the south last weekend, the Beds wilby looking to bounce back to Bedouinning ways.

Anon. Ag

Absolutely adorable. If he had a tail, he’d happily spend his days chasing it.  He’s still in love with one direction. That’s the Alice band of boys that formed when I was in year 8, but this reference may be too old for our current crop of newcomers. 

Now that anon. Ag has found a childhood sweetheart, he’d love to travel to South America and is currently saving up his pocket money for enough balloons to make the trip. I’ve not had the heart to tell him he’ll need around 6,000 helium-filled balloons.

After an extra week to charge the batteries, the veggie-powered Mblues host Dereham. A good job that it’s at Wilby because I’m not sure ZipCar have any electric cars in Cambridge for these green light blues.

Can’t Beer

When you talk about injury-prone, CUHC often thinks of Jallen or Sides struggling to make it to the starting cannon. Can’t beer has redefined this. 

From failing to understand the effect of ethanol on GABA and glutamate sites, falling off his bike on the way to training, or adding the top of his finger to his latest culinary creation, he’s always a DoD shout … if he’s fit enough to play.

Carrying his personal first aid kit

The Wanderers look to hold on to their champions league spot and invite the gentlemen of Sudbury to Wilberforce road. The Wanderers wilby looking for 3 more points as they ramp up their BDotY preparations.

Scampi itch hard

The squandies had several candidates. You love to see it. Gorgy made an early case but got sharked by a fellow Sidney squanderer who’s definitely been coaching.  These two definitely make CUHC’s cutest couple. Frallen is also a shout, with PMB being a weekly calendar event on his phone. But Scampi Itch Hard wins the nomination. 

Wreck-it-Ralph joins CUHC

Mr Itch Hard could possibly be the boldest fresher man has ever seen. He makes Impact look like Garamond, yet his understanding of the rules is in Windings.

Oh Wine Ore tonne

The perennial candidate. After promotion from the U14 development squad, Oh Wine continues to live in his own cloud of mystery.

Four years ago, he was pretending to be a 12-year old prodigy in IA Physics and a younger brother at swaps visiting Cambridge for the weekend. Two years ago, he got ID’d three times in Sainsbury’s for one bouteille of wine (in the aisle by a shelf-stacker, by a manager going for his dinner and at the checkout)…

Not much has changed. Four months ago he was ID’d for buying matches. These don’t even have an age restriction, but the bloke out the checkout wanted to check anyway.

It’s fair to say he won’t be winning Movember any time soon.

2018 BDotY

If you’re playing at Wilby this weekend, we encourage you to get down early for the beds & squandies or stay later for the Wandies. The Mblues Wilby in spoons at the close of play; the Wblues and 1dies will hopefully be cumin too unless they decide to have an early one and hit the pilau.

Vote for your freshest fresher below:

Who is the Freshest Fresher 2020?

  • Can't Beer (34%, 17 Votes)
  • Scampi Itch Hard (20%, 10 Votes)
  • Anon. Ag (14%, 7 Votes)
  • Oh Wine Ore Tonne (12%, 6 Votes)
  • Aim Here Head Woods (10%, 5 Votes)
  • Joe Root (no. 66) (8%, 4 Votes)
  • The Bedouin (2%, 1 Votes)

Total Voters: 50

Loading ... Loading ...

* Only available for participating teams. Offer must be activated before Sunday 19th January and isn’t valid on Wednesdays. To redeem you must have studied for at least one year at the University of Cambridge.

Happy New Decade! L’avant-première de Weekend (11/01/2020)

You can pick a whole new fantasy hockey team for this term. All changes 100% off. This weekend only. Everything must go! 

New teams welcome (Freshers, Parents, Family & Friends, Alumni, Vice-Chancellor get involved!)! There wilby a winner for both the term and overall! Follow this link and email with your team!

Those all-important New Year’s peace summits

Firstly, happy new year to the entirety of CUHC and all its loyal, global following. The CUHC media team hopes you’ve had as lovely a holiday as possible. The extent of loveliness that can be achieved in the absence of hockey does remain up for debate…

And now it’s 2020. Crikey. That came fast. It made me feel very old when I realised that for some of you the 2010s was the first entire decade that you’ve lived through. Blimey. You’re so young. I really do feel for those poor freshers in 101 years’ time. Chop. Perhaps that’ll be one to forget.

With the advent of a new year comes a brand spanking new set of resolutions. Lol. I can’t wait for these. Yes, 2019 went like a blur and so I don’t want my memories of this year to be fuzzy.

Hence this year, my new year’s resolution is 4K. Say goodbye to fuzzy. It’s not that 1080p let me down; high definition has been a game-changer, but a 120-fps frame rate is really going to add proper quality to my PowerPoint productions. Jeez. This gets me going.

Speaking of getting me going, it’s a mere 38 days until BDotY™. More on that in the coming weeks. Fun Fact: In Norse mythology, the number 38 was said to represent unnatural bravery.

In the spirit of improving image quality, I spoke to our Captain’s about how they’re going to reduce their aberrations this year. Focus. These are important:

Ed: “We’ve never lost a game in this decade – long may this continue. We’re gonna win in Wales, end the consumption of meat and concede less goals”

Amy: “I want to keep in the positive fantasy points. That’s not to say that I don’t want to squanderer any opportunities to get to know people better! I think the Fbleus should aim to win against *UHC. Their DBlaus are only playing Sunday league hockey this year.”

Totton: “I want to get at least 21 adverts for the varsity programme. Keep them coming chaps!”

Tom: [Editors Note: Already Broken] “To stop watching TV on my own, but then had to change it to just Netflix.”

Ollie, Kirsten and Bailes didn’t give me a new year’s resolution. I can only assume they, therefore, think they are perfect. I must sadly remind them of the existence of Abbe’s law.

A look forward to 2020 – an alternative preview

If you haven’t already realised, I’m revelling in the opportunity to make as many optics gags as possible. Crikey, I do love waves and optics. Hopefully, you’ll also see the light and have a little chuckle. If not, I’ll provide you with some foresight and I wouldn’t read on…

Can you see 2020? Note this is actually to scale.

2020 is a big year. That’s not just because it has an extra day. There’s a lot going on:

Olympics – The world’s best athletes all meet for the quadrennial Loogaborouga university alumni event. They’re alumni and current students won 6 gold medals at Rio in 2016. The University of Cambridge has still won more medals overall, and the Wandies have scheduled 3 points against them in a few weeks time. Fun fact: At least one alum of USC has won a gold medal at every Olympics since 1912. 

Euro 2020 – We also have the European championship of hockey without sticks. Every time I watch this I can’t help but notice how many fouls are committed. It’s being played in 12 different cities around Europe, which I’m sure will make Greta delighted. I hope for her sake that Northern Ireland qualifies in group C. At least she’ll have psycho Amy to keep her company (Northern Ireland didn’t qualify):

2020 Copa América – For the true football addict, the Copa América in Columbia and Argentina is the real high in this year’s calendar. VAR wilby a hot topic yet again. If only FIFA would listen to our very own Sun-Pat-powered Adam Shafiq (@AdamShafiq_). 

T20 World Cup – Yes the next 2020 world cup will be held in T20. It’s going to be held in Australia. Whilst I was doing my big 5 stretches, it came to me that Kangaroos at London Zoo would really like Yoga. They’d be springier and get all that mindfulness stuff. Plus when they’re in downward dog or Sirsasana they’d feel fewer homesick.

Elections – It’s an election year. Not in the UK, but it is in Taiwan, Peru, Slovakia, North Macedonia, Serbia, Bolivia and the Dominican Republic. But without doubt, the biggest one of them all is the CUHC webmaster. In a worldwide exclusive interview, we can reveal that the current webmaster won’t be standing for re-election. The pool of candidates remains pretty open. More to follow… 

There’s also this weird one in America. It’s technically only for 2020, but because of the census, a redistribution of votes and some other stuff, it’s basically the election for 2036. I don’t understand but if you do get it, email me at . I’ll buy you a cup/pint/gallon of coffee/beer/toma/etc. and you can explain it to me…

This Weekend

Meanwhile, if you look in the Fresnel limit of the 2020 grating (niche even by my standards, I’m about to Cornu Spiral out of control), you’ll find the opening round of East Leagues fixtures. 

In the run-up to varsity, I’ve been busy forming a network of agents to gain as much intel as possible about the other place. Over the next few weeks, they’ll be providing you with all you need to know about the other place. As a practice, the network has given me intel about this weekend:

  • A disappointing result for the Squandies last weekend means they’re gap at the top has narrowed by 6 points. They face St Neots this weekend. I don’t remember much of the last time I played there… @Squandies, don’t headbutt the ground.
  • The WBlues have the chance to start the leap year with a leapfrog. Maidstone have either won, lost or drawn all of their twelve games this season and #W+#D=#L.
  • The Nomads face St Ives. St Ives has one of the four statues of Oliver Cromwell in the country and is marginally worse at hockey than the Nomads in the season so far. A 6 pointer is on the cards.
  • The Wandies have one and a half games of hockey. On Saturday they play Bourne Deeping. They lost last time. On Sunday they play Blueharts. They’ve already played half a game, but it was one to forget, so they’re trying again. No one headed the ground, but there was frosty frost.
  • The Beds play Cambridge South. Cambridge South look quite good at hockey. It’s that or they really don’t know how to lose.

The best term reports aren’t on CamCORS

With Jeremy Corbyn calling for a time of reflection, and the fact I’m truly missing the opportunity to fire below-average chat from the starting cannon, I thought I’d spend the evening writing a mid-season report for CUHC.

The Big Success

CUHC’s online presence continues to thrive. Whilst I’m still persuading Totton to go premium on Spotify, you all seem to be loving the website at 5:00 PM every Friday.

However, it’s not just you and your parents that enjoy our niche dialect. It appears our conversational style is appreciated further afield…

@Sponsors – CUHC has a truly global reach. Fancy funding our Spotify Premium? Source – WordPress

It appears that we also have 911 views from the “European Union”. I’m not sure where this is because each country has its’ own count too (not their sum either). Hence I can only assume that it’s all those MEPs and Junker looking for something entertaining to do when the Verhofstadt/Farage live show isn’t in town.

Elsewhere, we have 22 views from China (home of the World’s worst VPN server), 347 views from Deme’s family, 20+1 views from Saudi Arabia (Abdullah bin Musa’ad bin Abdulaziz Al Saud is looking for a big English club to buy, unlike his current one) and 4 from Finland (Fresher Sanna Mirella Marin still trying to find out where all her important debrief’s Wilby).

Weekend PreviewViewsQuality
Weekend Preview – 26/09/1934614 carrot
One to stash away for reference…295Fools Gold
The CUHC Masters (17/11/19)25718 carrot
Collins x Webmaster (23/11/19)250Just niche
The Weekend Preread (19/10/19)20614 carrot
Tenmas Dinner Preview (30/11/19)19424 carrot
The Papers (07/12/19)19422 carrot
It’s a banger (09/11/19)19018 carrot
Weekend Preview 02/11/1918114 carrot
Fresher’s dictionary15924 carrot
Weekend Preview – 14/09/198614 carrot
So long, fair well, aufwiedersehen, good bye…2814 carrot

I cannot believe the fresher’s dictionary only has 159 views.

Finally, I could make a joke about length, but that would just be toxic:

Quantity not quality

Beyond my wildest fantasy

I’m absolutely delighted to see that Fantasy Hockey has taken off. Congratulations to Em’n’EM on winning the Michaelmas term league. You may collect your prize next term.

For everyone else, don’t forget that next term there are two sets of winners! One for the most points in Lent term, and the overall winner. Details about a “re-pick” Wilby announced in due course…

Em’n’EMEmily Bailey & Emilia1365
When Harry met AllyPatrick Leong-Son1352
Defs, queffs and schweffsHantian Wang1319
Kiss Me – Ed Shear(s)anSeb Shaw1274
Whitworth’s Car CrashHenry Pulver1272
Emma Preston North EndOwain Houghton1257
Houghton hears a whoAlly Macdonald1228
Ollie RosenborgJason Allen1220
Dickens’ sonsThomas Whitworth1212
Leng tingsJack England1204

But for now, let’s look at the statistics and answer some important questions, albeit with a priori answers:

  • It’s not just the water, people, food, chat, life etc. that’s better in the North:
    • The arithmetic mean number of points per player:
PositionAcross some waterNorthSouth
GK19 32
All positions263831
Proof that in Lancashire they teach us reet: The South is average to below-average and Yorkshire is mostly landfill. We assumed the worst that other regions had gone to Oxf*rd.

Quiz: What are the other two lines? (answers at bottom)

  • We’re also more popular in the north:
    • The arithmetic mean number of picks per player:
PositionAcross some waterNorthSouth
Gk0 8
All positions7147
  • The Squanderers are the best team in CUHC:
I feel this is a little harsh, but I’d like to point out that very wholesome songs have been sung about the Wblues (ft. Ed Sheeran), IFLTN, and the Beds are very fresh so give them time.
  • Dear Harold, active management is important, which is why you lie in 30th.
    • This is also why 74% of assets in the UK are actively managed. [Source: Asset management in the UK 2017-2018, The Investment Association Annual Survey, September 2018]

Whilst at CUHC, the team performance is important, it’s also nice to recognise personal achievement:

Top 5 players in each team

Toby II
Lara G

With this in mind, it is my pleasure to announce the team of the season-so-far:

The Dream Team.
Disclaimer: Mostly RNG between 0-50 or 50-100.

Stick skills on the rise

In other news, hockey is going quite well. With BDotY just 63 days away, the teams Wilby taking the winter break as a chance to rest up, hit the gym, eat highly nutritional food and drink water.

The Squandies keep their 100% winning record in the East Leagues, the 1derers Wans are still in a Champions League spot and are in a strong position to stay up in BUCS. Elsewhere, after much delay, the Men’s’ Blues have remembered how to play hockey, and are now joint 2nd in East League Prem A (technically 4th on GD). In BUCS, I’m told they’re doing pretty well, but I’ve not got enough spare time to wait for the app to load.

On the Ladies side, the WBlues also find themselves on an upward trajectory in both their campaigns. The Captain has already sent out her “January Preseason” demands and is looking to set her stall out for a strong 2nd half to the season.

The Yesmads look more and more comfortable by the day in East Leagues 1N, lying just 7 pts off fourth-place St Neots in a very tight division, and have conceded the third-fewest goals in the league. Again BUCS is a bit of a mystery, but I’ll guess they’ve won some, lost some and maybe drawn some.

Finally, our beloved Bedouin find themselves 4 points off the danger zone. Having watched them play, I don’t think this is a fair reflection but as with all university teams, and as Sir Dave Brailsford would say, we’re targeting a ‘negative split’. Speaking to the joint assistant and joint head coach Bill Taylor about the situation he said “Our target all season has been to have a negative split. Team Bedouin have been working hard, and now it’s time to focus on some marginal gains, such as scoring more goals than the opposition.”

TeamLeague PositionPlayedWonLostDrawnGD

With the round-up all done, the only thing left to say is that I hope you have a very merry Christmas and a delightfully happy new year.

Answers: The top line traces the path of the Antonine Wall (circ. 142 AD), the bottom line traces the path of Hadrian’s Wall (circ. 122 AD).

30/11/19 – Tenmas Dinner Preview

At this special time of the year, it is important to remind those new to CUHC why we celebrate this special time. The origins of CUHCmas are often forgotten, but nonetheless the website is here to provide you with that all-important content.

Long ago, when Commander Sides ruled Wilby (now affiliated to Cambridge Uni Sport), Baz sent the angel Austin to a young lady who lived in the averagely sized village of Cambridge. The lady’s name was Bethan and she was to be with Daddy Leng (A good omen for both).

“Don’t Panic!”

The angel Austin said to Bethan: ‘GDBO! I just can’t stand Oxf*rd! Baz has blessed you and is pleased with you.’ Bethan was very surprised by this and wondered what Austin meant. The angel Austin said to her ‘Don’t panic, Baz has been very kind to you. He only RNG’d between 1 and 10. You will become pregnant by the below-average chat and give birth to a very fresh webmaster and you will call him Owain. He Wilby Baz’s own Son and his volume will never drop. Deal or no deal?’ Bethan was very afraid but she trusted Baz. ‘May it happen as Baz wishes. Deal.’ she replied to the angel. Austin also told Bethan that her cousin, Sass, who everyone thought was too old to enjoy chat, would have a fewer fresh webmaster whom Baz had chosen to prepare the way for Owain.

Bethan said goodbye to her family and friends and went to visit her teammate Sass and Sass’s co-club captain Jim. Sass was very happy to see Bethan. She knew that Bethan had been chosen by Baz to be the mother of his Son. Angel Austin had already told Jim that Sass’s webmaster would prepare people to welcome Owain. He was to be called Sir Tim Berners-Lee. Bethan stayed with Sass about £4,000,000 and then returned home to Wilby.

Daddy Leng was worried when he found out that Bethan was expecting a very fresh webmaster before their wedding had taken place. He wondered if he should put off the wedding altogether. Then an angel appeared to Daddy Longlengs in a dream and said: ‘Don’t Panic to have Bethan as your wife.’ The angel explained that Bethan had been chosen by Baz to be the mother of his Son and told Daddy smallarms that the very fresh webmaster would be named Owain which means ‘shlid’ because he would have a terrible lid. When Daddy woke up, he did what the Angel Austin had told him to do and took Bethan as his wife.

At this time, the land where Bethan and averagechest liv’d was part of the Queenios’ Empire. The Queenios Empress Isabella Montgomerus wanted to have a list of all the people in the empire, to make sure they paid their subs. She ordered everyone to return to their inboxes where their CRSIDs originally came from, and put their names in a spreadsheet. Bethan and Peng traveled a long way (about 14,000 wings of a sparrow) from Wilby to Portugal place, in search of a connection to the ever-reliable UniOfCam. Most people walked but some people thought they had Bill the donkey to help carry the goods needed for the journey, but he soon queffed off. Peng and Bethan traveled very slowly because Bethan’s very fresh webmaster was due to send it.

When they reached Portugal place, they had problems finding somewhere to stay so they could eventually connect to Hermes. So many people had come to register their names in the spreadsheet, that every house was full and every bed was taken in all of the guest rooms. When they arrived at the last inn, DJ said “there’s no room in the lounge, silly CUBC are here getting battered off half a pint of lime-soda”.

The only place to stay that they could find was down below with the animals. In these old days, people often kept CURUFC in the house, especially at night, and used them like ‘central heating’! People, like George Milner, normally slept on a raised/upper level with these animals below to give them extra warmth. So in the place where the animals slept, Bethan gave birth to Owain, the Son of Baz.

In those days it was the custom to wrap newborn babies tightly in a light blue bench coat called ‘stash’. Sadly, the kit hadn’t arrived yet so the Son of Baz was left all exposed. Owain, in a manger, wasn’t very happy and kicked up a fuss, deafening those around him. With no running track nearby, he knitted a robe out of polyvinyl alcohol fibres (the most common clothing material in North Korea) to keep him warm. This was the first sign that he had too much time on his hands, and a bizarre fondness of niche trivia.

In the steep mountains outside Portugal place, shepherds looked after Sean the sheep through the long night. As the new day began, suddenly an anon. angel appeared before them and the glory of Baz shone around them. The shepherds really didn’t want it but the anon. angel said, ‘Don’t Panic. I have good news for you and everyone. It’s only 79 days until BDotY. Also, in Portugal place a shlid has been born for you. You will find Owain in a manger.’.

Then many more angels appeared, lighting up the sky. The shepherds heard them praising Baz singing: ‘If I had the wings of a sparrow, If I had the *rse of a crow, I’d fly ove Oxf*rd tomorrow…’ 

When the angels had gone the shepherds said to one another, ‘Let’s go to Porty P to see what has happened.’ So the shepherds went to Portugal place and found Bethan and the very fresh webmaster, Owain, in a manger as they had been told. When they saw him, they told everyone what the angel had said and everyone who heard how fresh he looked were astonished. Then the shepherds returned to the limping Sean the sheep, praising Baz for sending his Son to be their shlid. 

People visit from around the world. Source:

When Owain was born, a brand new bright star of wanderer appeared in the light blue sky. Some Wise Men (TJ, Kieran and Jean) in faraway countries such as Homerton saw the star and guessed what it meant. As PhD students, they had plenty of time to kill, and had read in very old visual writings (Galvanised Hockey 2015 Varsity & Ferocious by the Wanderers) that a new star would appear when a below-average webmaster was born. They set out to find the new webmaster and bring him gifts.

The Wise Men followed the star towards the area surrounding Porty P and when they got to the capital called Curry King they began to ask people: ‘Where is the child who is born to be Commander?’ Commander Sides heard this and it made him very angry to think that someone might be going to take his place as Commander. Sides sent for the Wise Men to come to him. He introduced Ollie Phillips (“Schwoop”) and then told them to go on following the 1derering star until they had found the very fresh webmaster. He said: ‘When you have found him, let me know where he is, so that I can go and worship him.’. But Sides did not tell them that this was a huge Paul Sackey and instead wanted to eliminate the new webmaster.

The Wanderering star – Shears fulfilling her childhood ambitions

The Wise Men followed the star towards Portugal place. It seemed to stop and shine directly down upon the place where Owain was. Contrary to popular belief, this was simply a convenient positioning of the light bulb.

2k19’s Xmas present of the year

The Wise Men entered the house where they now lived and found Owain with Bethan, they courtsied and worshipped him. The Wise Men spread the gifts they had brought before Owain. The gifts were Will Silver, FrankieHarleyscent and Alicia Myrr. The Wise Men were warned in a dream, by Baz, not to go back to the dark Sides, so they took a longer and more tedious route known as the X5.

When the Wise Men had gone, anon. angel appeared to Daddy Leng in a dream. ‘Get up from that downward dog,’ the angel said, “take Owain and Bethan and escape to Spoons. Stay there until I tell you, for Sides is going to search for Owain to eliminate him.” So Harold got up, took Owain and Bethan during the night they left for Spoons, where he stayed in safety from Sides.

When Sides realized that he had nibbled on the Wise Men, he was losing it and he gave orders to eliminate all the freshers in Portugal place and the surrounding area. This was to try and eliminate the new webmaster, as his plan to find the location of the new webmaster from the Wise Men had failed.

Owain in a manger and his happy family…

After Sides had been eliminated, Leng had another dream in which an anon. angel appeared to him. The anon. angel said, ‘Get up, take Owain and Bethan and go back to Wilby, for those who were trying to eliminate Owain have been eliminated by Hatherell.’ 

So Daddy Largethighs got up, warmed up with his resistance band and took Owain and Bethan and they went back to Wilby. But when he heard that Sides hair, now very grey Totton, was now commander of Wilby, he was afraid to go there. So instead they went to Cindies, and lived in Catz Corridor.

Until last year, it was tradition to celebrate this event at Wilby. Sadly the merriment was too great, leading to some ataxic members. However, now that Deme knows where the cycle paths are in Cambridge, it’s guaranteed to be a cracking night.

Don’t forget to come to CiS Mince Pies and Mulled Wine at Hawks (4 pm) followed by the STAG Christmas Carol Concert (5 pm)!


Before the shenanigans begin, there’s some hockey to be played. 

The Squandies and Wblues have huge games at Wilby against the teams directly below and above them respectively. Meanwhile, the Wandies travel to Blueharts in a hope to continue their surge into the automatic qualification for the champions league.

The Mblues face Wapping who may or may not be turning up with a huge thumbs up. All we know is that we’ll only be giving the Mblues the Matt Cockerill if they get 3 points. The Nomads and Beds travel to IES and St Ives. With Emily Bailey and her team looking to give bottom of the league a need for an early night, the Nomads have a tough trip to Ipswich. With a strong performance in recent weeks, including at Pub Golf, the Nomads will be looking to put out exemplary performances in their double header this weekend.

As always, a big social means a double points weekend. Get your fantasy hockey changes in soon! Link here

23/11/19 – Weekend Preview : Collins x Webmaster

With a very successful round of 2 sports (4 wins, 2 draws and many birdies) played last weekend, CUHC gears up for another big weekend on the pitch. In an effort to save as much content for those all-important match reports, I teamed up with the second node of the same brain for the preview.

With the inevitable result of next-level nicheness, Lewis and I present you with 14th Century England’s answer to Jackson Pollock; Heraldry.

CUHC Guide to Heraldic Charges

The arrival of Old Southendians at the Wilberfortress this weekend led to feelings of stash envy in the 1derers wans. Seeing the opposition fully clad in matching **layerLayer prompted cries for ‘It should have been me’ being added to the post-match sad showers playlist. But this opposition, like all other sporting teams in Cam, will soon feel as we felt, intimidated by the swarm of lime blue weatherlayers bearing the only club specific crest in all the land. When such a time comes (if you are still around to see it) you Wil-need-to-by prepared for the barrage of questions which wilby inevitably coming your way.

Don’t know the difference between golden yellow and reddish red? Struggling to identify which member of the panthera genus is on your crest? This handy guide aims to arm members of CUHC with the niche triv they need to explain why our stash Wilby a little better than everyone else’s.

Lions, Leopards and … Tigers?

A real sticking point when it came to kit orders this year, the shape and colour of the big cat on your stash caused weeks-worth of emails to arrange phone calls to organise a text so that a meeting could occur planning designs to be made for samples to be tried. To understand what all the fuss has been about, we have had to consult the world’s greatest experts on heraldry. We also asked Kabir for his thoughts. 

Left: lion passant guardant rouge, to indicate a person born of adultery, or themselves forbidden from having children.  Right: Golden lion rampant on a field of Cambridge Blue, symbolising courage, strength and valour. 

University of Cambridge Sport and **layerLayer made an initial offer to all sports teams, with stash bearing a “red lion” across the board. Mistakes are present everywhere in this design, prompting outright rejection from our kit secs. William, when asked for his reasoning said:

some colours reconcile themselves to one another, others just clash. Great shades of blue, you find them in nature. I like light green, sometimes red is fun to look at, but I love gold, it is beautiful and classy and timeless.” Lovely words on blue and gold from silver, ones you can quote yourselves when defending our switch of colour. 

William Silver: Kit Sec 2019-20

Once gold had been chosen as the correct colour of lion, selecting the appropriate attitude was the next job on the list. Mollie, when interviewed, said:

The true heraldic lion, according to French authors, is always to be represented in profile, or, as the ancient heralds say, showing but one eye and one ear. Cam Uni Sport have presented a ‘Lion passant guardant’ which should in fact be identified as a ‘Leopard’. The true lion is best depicted as ‘rampant on a field of 163 193 173’.

Mollie Ring: Kit Sec 2019-20

Appreciating the controversial historical debate between the classification of Lions and Leopards, Kabir offered a much more simple definition of each design, saying:

“I just don’t want a red tiger on my stash, why can’t we have golden lions.” While debate will continue for centuries to come, it is important for members of CUHC to be able to identify the proper attitude from the table below. Try the “look-cover-write-check” method, to be sure you are getting this right. 

Kabir Sahota: Astoundingly fresh 19-present

Attitudes of the Lion

With fears of the very real issues of copyright infringement, but pure desire to illustrate all the possible attitudes of Panthera genus on heraldic crests, we took the hard decision to get inventive:

Images removed under the right to have amnesia (GDPR)

Further afield…

As well as having nicer stash than the rest of Cambridge, our kit secs were quick to point out that their persistence would be most fully rewarded in February and March next year. When asked for comment, Jack said:

the crown may only be used following strict rules in heraldry, as a symbol for a monarchy or a republic. With *UHC clearly in violation of these rules, I am told vexillologists everywhere are up in arms. The lion, by contrast, is not restricted to royal coats of arms and its use by CUHC has been internationally commended. Moreover, the use of two hockey sticks in sautoir basses shows how little they understand the beautiful game, with no ball in sight, I believe we can finally understand why we receive so many stick tackles at Varsity.

Jack England: Kit Sec 2019-20
Heraldry is an artform. The fewer committed opt for paint.

Now that we are all armed with the knowledge we need to defend our 129 year old emblem, all that remains is to wait impatiently for everyone’s favourite *STASH STASH STASH* CUHC Social post, which we are confident will arrive on a day ending in y.

We would like to thank our stash secs for their time both participating in our interviews and interacting with Britain’s Best Small Sportswear Provider 2016/17, an award which we can confirm was “fully justified” after six minutes of intense debate, last wednesday.


Not quite as important as stash, but coming in a close second, we move on to talk about East Leagues Hockey. Seven games across the six teams of CUHC this weekend can only mean one thing, it’s time for the final Wandies double header. Your last chance to make the most of an extra double point weekend, with big points available in Fantasy hockey and 6 points available in real hockey. This also means there Wilby three home games on Saturday and one on Sunday, to give the partisan crowd weekend-long entertainment. 

To provide you with some ‘chat’ to offer the opponent you find yourself marking/leading away from, here’s a ‘fun’ ‘fact’ you can use to sound knowledgeable and cool. One of these is in fact not true, can you work out which it is? 

B vs Saffron Walden 1 (H)

Sticking with the theme of the logo, Saffron Walden’s unofficial coat of arms comprised a saffron crocus within the walls of the town’s castle in the form of a heraldic pun, “Saffron walled-in”. A level of chat the Blues will feel more than capable of responding to with their BTEC puns, as they seek a win to leapfrog their opponents on Saturday.   

1derers wans vs Letchworth 1, Spalding 1 (A) (H)

Table topping Letchworth play in the world’s first garden city, created in 1904 based on designs by Sir Ebenezer Howard, with the aim of comprising equal areas of residency, industry and agriculture, giving the benefits of both city life and the countryside in one.

Inspired by our very own Nomads and Bedouin, Spalding takes its name from an Anglian tribe, the Spaldingas, who settled in the area in the 6th century. The only team the Wandies are yet to face since their return to Prem B, this game marking the halfway point in the season.   

Squanderers vs March 1 (A)

The high-flying Squandies have been struggling with transport arrangements for their away trip this weekend. The issue could be solved with an off season repeat of the March March march. The 30-mile walk is best enjoyed to the tune of the March March march march. Surely better than the train?

WB vs St Albans 2 (A)

Did you know? Rather than a starting whistle, matches played at St Alban’s are begun with cannon fire. 

N vs Wisbech 1 (H)

Wisbech is home to the second most important Octagon in Cambridgeshire. Having previously been used as a church, battlement and bank, their site is currently the home of a veterinary practice. The Octagon at Chads, meanwhile, is the birthplace of yoga. 

B vs Saffron Walden 1 (H)

Saffron Walden is home to the largest parish church in England, which was rebuilt by John Watsell, while he was working as the master mason during the construction of Kings College chapel. While this should make them feel right at home, they are in fact, away at Wilby. 

Weekend Preview – The CUHC Masters 17/11/19


With the big tea time just around the corner, I thought I’d start with my top tip: Your main meal before a big fixture should be in the form of low to medium glycemic index foods. i.e. Pasta is always the right choice.

With the sage advice over, it’s now to get on to the more spicy content. Yes, you know the drill… It’s time to pepper this page with ‘chat’. Don’t worry, no one wilby feeling salty at the end, I’m now well-seasoned in writing these poorly.

The Warm Up

Recent scientific studies have shown that ‘Woga’ has unprecedented toxicity. With only a few human beings carrying the requisite criterions for immunity, a purge has taken place.

Thankfully, our medical team’s knowledge of immunology, a pseudo-homoeopathic system of conventional medicine, has finally been put to good use. An anon. Beds Coach asked Cam City Vets if they could help, but then he remembered they only deal with animals.
Nevertheless, Yoga is now safe for all and the perfect way to get loose before the all-important round.

The Rules

  1. Each entrant shall play with three legs.
  2. Straying out of bounds is strictly forbidden unless as part of a pair.
  3. Each player must play off their ‘team tee’ at one hole during the night.
  4. All other teas can be played off a selection of Blue, Red, Yellow and white teas.
  5. When the drink touches the lips, the stroke commences. When the drink leaves the lips, the stroke ends.
  6. All players to attempt an ‘Eagle’ at the Eagle.
  7. Slow play is strongly frowned upon.
  8. No patrons are allowed.
  9. Entrants wilby teeing off at 19:00 sharp.

The Course

Consisting of 9 holes of varying difficulty, any round will be tiresome. For anyone battling through a tricky period, remember, the game of pub golf is 90 percent mental and 10 percent mental.

The origins of the course remain unknown. All we know is that it’s long been associated as the unofficial sixth major, behind the open, the U.S. masters, the PGA, the U.S. Open and Beds.

And on the tee, from Cambridge, England is…

The par 3 opening hole, “spoons”, is arguably the cheapest eagle and the easiest hole on the course. At a mere 0.4 yards, distance is not an issue. A delicate swing will put you in a good position and a whole-in-one is not out of the question. Whilst the local rough around the fairway can present an intriguing challenge to those that find themselves astray off the tee, we recommend taking a risk and saving yourself a couple of swings for the more difficult shots later.

Once you’ve navigated the next 2 holes, you’ll find yourself at Catz Bar. At this point, most competitors are there or thereabouts. However, some now show their true colours (light blue, I hope) and put caution to the wind. In fact, it’s pretty still downstairs there in Catz bar. However, after consecutive birdies, a unique warm but breezy microclimate always seems to develop, leading to some bizarre stroke play under the pressure. DO NOT PANIC.

Fact: The key difference between pub golf
and it’s fewer variant is whether being a ‘chopper’ is complimentary.

Holes six, seven and eight constitute “Amen corner”. Named after the pleas by members praying for the ever-absent David Gibson to come to their rescue (yes, he’s never been to pub golf), it’s make or break time. Clare cellars offers the unique opportunity to play a foursome, rather than the conventional four-ball. It’s always the case that some people will bottle it on their own.

Then comes Hawks, the most (in)famous of them all…

The final hole is a par 404. If you’ve got this far, you could argue you’ve come a fairway. The course organisers tell me that despite the success of big Jez last year, it wil-not-by our vinyl destination. In the old days, one Kuda taken many different approaches to the green, but that is life. Now with only a single approach with a steep downslope, good footwork is essential here. You wouldn’t want to fall at the final hurdle.

For most this is time to go home. Nevertheless, at this point, some people just wish to go for another hole and a few more strokes. Club selection here is key. The most popular club is usually one with a stiff shaft.

The pundits favourite

Owain – Campkin

“Surely, last years champion is a shout. An exceptionally low score meant he went out and came back in style.”

Last year’s Champion celebrating in the famous green jacket. Will Frozone send it again for another incredibles score this year?

The Webmaster – Austin

“Rumour has it the birthday girl has put in a huge bribe for someone fun. At first, I thought this had put her out of the running. You can’t win if someone’s not playing seriously. Then I heard rumours in the form of a first name and then I heard a second name from someone else. They were both the same name which was pretty conclusive. Knowing that Matt Matt hates fun [it all got too much for him last year], Izzy’s a guaranteed shout. Let’s just hope she doesn’t shoot too low…”

A rogue contender? #GetInvolved

Umpire Lewis – Rowlands

“Chops a great pint, has a large volume with which to store food and drink, a small SA:V so he won’t get cold in fancy dress, a vet, so finding his way around the course in the dark and outdoors should be easy. You could also argue that he can carry any partner quite literally.”

Toby Ladbrooks – JEngland

“No distractions this year. Is that too harsh?” – I’m not sure toby, but I’ll guess we’ll see what follows.

Other Events

There is also a full complement of hockey this weekend. With the Squandies (vs. St Ives), Wandies (vs. Old Souths) and Wblues (vs. East London) all at the Wilberfortress, it’s another grand day out. With the squandies looking to stay unbeaten, the Wandies intending to make a statement and the Wblues facing top of the league, we need to bring the noise! I wilby there, will you?

Away from home, the Nomads travel to Colchester. A quick browse on their website and you’ll find many a picture of Frankie. Turns out she was a bit of a BNOC. Let’s just hope they’re not facing Frankie’s U16 side of Sunday 5 February 2017 who fought back hard from 5-0 down to get a draw.

The Mblues travel to the metropolis of Norwich in search of adding to their tally. With four points in the last two games, it appears the Men’s blues season may have turned. With Norwich just below them in the league, it’s a huge one.

Last but not fewest, the Bedouin travel to Spalding in search of three points. Fresh from the Generation game with host Tom Whitworth, the Beds have put their fruity pendulums and are looking to cause an upset. Mid-table Spalding have been prone to a slip-up. Can the Beds put their newly found talents to good use and provide another banana skin?

Any other Business?

Only two match reports this week. Very disappointed. I’ve had suggestions that we should have a three-strike rule. I don’t want to but I might …

Both match report submitters will, therefore, get the fantasy points. Remember it’s a double points weekend!

Weekend Preview – It’s a banger (09/11/19)

With a weak-to-strong weekend preview last week and the soon-to-distant arrival of Pub golf, there was probably little-to-significant need for a small-to-large effort on this week’s vanilla-to-exciting weekend preview.

Unfortunately, I’ve been busy building a new website for the Ospreys (cheeky plug for Dadge – A very corporate web address, but I really do appreciate the use of a hyphen/dash; an underused piece of punctuation in the English language!

So who’s going to write the weekend preview? Thankfully, Monty has come to my rescue. She [Izzy] has kindly taken a break from her tough degree and sought inspiration from:

  • The new CUHC Spotify account (another cheeky plug)
  • The recently successful Men’s Blues Stars event

Hence Monty and I present you with “CUHC as songs”. We’ve scowered the musical aether for the songs that best describe a select group of CUHC members according to our rigorous criterions.

JP – I’m Sexy and I know it (LMFAO)

This one’s self-explanatory… but for those of you that don’t know JP, I will explain. Like Stefan Kendal Gordy, who went to school with, JP is the second most famous person from his home town, after English bacteriologist Frederick Twort. Nevertheless, JP and “Redfoo” always back themselves no matter how fresh big the challenge.

Jean – We don’t talk any more (Charlie Puth et al.)

Following Ferg’s betrayal to the light reds, Jean is without one of his trusted sidekicks in the Men’s blues. This only leaves him with another lift dweller TJ (Shaun Mendes – There’s nothin’ holdin’ me back).

Ollie Rose – like I’m gonna lose you (Meghan Trainor, John Legend)

The words once song by John Legend were repeated by Mr Rose as he serenaded the new wandies balls. In the heat of the moment, the balls got frigid and cracked under the pressure. Well, it’s that or the Wandies are the biggest team in CUHC.

The search goes on…

Faith Borland- Can’t feel my face (The Week’nd)

Cam City encountered Faith’s impenetrable defence of what is very much CUHC’s Wilberfortress and discovered the only way to get past her was to send her off the pitch to get an ice pack by smashing a ball into her face.

With a lovely purple bruise to show, Faith is back with to defend the Wilberfortress with the Nomads this week against Bury St Edmunds even if she still can’t fully feel her face.

Dadge- On the Floor (J-Lo)

It’s not football

Anon. International Welsh Rugby Referee (1971-Present)
“Pick your body up and drop it on the floor”

Sid Bryant – Big Spender (Shirley Bassey)

Sid clearly loves CUHC, spending the most on the *layerlayer/old nike stash/kit- we love to see it ! We will use this as a little reminder for ladies to pay for your kit. The spreadsheet can be found in your email inbox under the famous words of Freddie Hampel.

*standard CUHC pre-fix to be applied.

Kirsty- Sway (The Kooks)

Always keen for a night out, Kirsty saying ‘I could be swayed’ means she’s ready to absolutely send it.
And just as Kirsty can send it in Hawkoons, she’s also class at sending it down the line. So get yourselves down to the Wilberfortress this weekend to see her in action!

Lucy – Mysterious Girl (Peter André)

Aka Elusive Luce was so e-luce-ive that she snuck off to Edinburgh last weekend. But she’s back to show off her flair skills this week, unless her feet get in the way.

Is she a forward? Is she a mid? Is she a defender? Does she even go to Cambridge? Not even Darrel knows – how mysterious !!

Lewis – On a Roll (Ashley O)

With the highest net points tally in fantasy hockey so far, there’s still time to substitute him into your team for this weekend. The latest odds at LadBrooks suggest Lewis is in for a huge points weekend!

The fifth-order polynomial trendline fits perfectly, it must be right…

Emma Hatherell – Survivor (Destiny’s Child)

Champion of the hunger games, we’re also delighted to discover that Emma has a lot of high-quality chat at her disposal. Maybe she and Ollie Phillips should write the weekend previews…

Scarlett Atkinson – Trap queen (Fetty Wap)

Honestly, the most consistent upright reverse trap I’ve ever seen.

Shears- You need me, I don’t need you (Ed Shear[s]an)

Words Shears can definitely say to me. Shears is killing it as nomads coach with her favourite ‘rebound’ game and electric goals. All I can offer is short corner practice, attack v defence and continuous 3 v 3s…..

Martha- Dangerous Woman (Ariana Grande)

In the greatest discovery since finding out Ethan (not Francis) was on Ashley Banjo’s Secret Street Crew, it turns out that Martha was the one who hit Amy in the face £31.5k ago. Need I say no more.


Sean – No Money (Galantis)

Current treasurer Sean would be very grateful for any donations or fundraising ideas. On this note, if you haven’t heard it enough from Totton, then make sure you’ve signed up to percent!!

We can confirm the club’s inaugural “Regal fundraising event” last Saturday raised a whopping £1.94. We’d like to thank those generous benefactors (…Kirsty…) and we encourage others to get involved with this meaningful work, perhaps as early as this coming Saturday?

Frankie – Intoxicated (Martin Solveig)

A little bit of investigative journalism from Owaine last week led to indisputable evidence of some not-so-sneaky pmbing from fresher Frankie!

She couldn’t resist a bop at Queenios’, and then, to make matters worse, tried to bring down coops with her. Nonetheless, she still managed to absolutely kill it in midfield, although she could definitely run a little more.

Amy – Sweet but Psycho (Ava Max)

Purely for reference, we’re throwing it back £ 31.5k for those fresh who might not have seen Amy’s psycho side. Whilst she’s sweetened up since then, recent events suggest she’s still as fresh.

When Darrel tells you to swap with Bethan and play centre back

Jim and Izzy – Take Care (Rihanna and Drake [respectively])

Our welfare team are not currently looking for suggestions for the next welfare evening, but I’m really keen to view a critically-acclaimed film. Something to get those literary juices flowing. Hot Fuzz? Anyone?

Harry Leng- Daddy Cool (Boney M)

Need I say no more…

Leanne Tyne- Dancing Queen (Abba)

Whilst many in CUHC could well be nominated for this title, Leanne was crowned the winner of the girls’ welcome night, displaying one of the key requirements of a member of CUHC: to be able to absolutely dominate the d-floor. 

On that note, a strong CUHC presence has been lacking in Catz Corridor for the last few Wednesday Cindies; we need to claim it back for ourselves.

Owaine – Fifteen (Taylor Swift)

I mean not niche chat but he just looks fifteen doesn’t he. These are the oldest photos the internet has of Owaine….. and he’s over 17 in all of them.


Monty- Look on the Bright Side of Life (Monty Python)

Having trawled the internet for <insert adjective here> photos of me, Monty Pythoned me. So I used my beloved internet to great effect.

A quick search didn’t really yield much; a great disappointment.  At this point, I then realised that she’d been quite nice in suggesting I was fifteen, especially since Sides knew me for two years as “the 12-year-old at Queens'”. I subsequently thought I could also be really nice… but then I remembered it was a weekend preview.

You keep giving that “insightful speech about how the School is like a hockey team”

At this minor crisis, I got a neural oscillation. I vaguely recalled that two other Monty’s had liked CUHC. Of the pre-millennial era, pre-Monty Monty liked to upload photos of her adorable children without full privacy settings on le livre de visages/das Buch der Gesichter. Herein, I shall refer to this Monty as pre-Monty-minty-fresh-not-Monty-Fynn-Monty (PMMFNMFM), because high-quality journalists and the tab do not reveal their sources.

Thank you PMMFNMFM. Now I should probably explain why I chose this song. Well, no one ever sees Monty looking sad. She’s always happy and cheers everyone up (well, me at least).

I guess that’s ended up a bit nice, but she did write most of this weekend preview for me…

The Hockey

The Wilberfortress sees four big games of hockey this weekend. With the Wandies having the weekend off and no rugby-related distractions, large crowds are very much expected.

The squandies kick off the day at 10:30 GMT and the Nomads bring it to a close at 15:00 GMT. The Mblues and Beds are nestled in between. All these games are very winnable, so we’re excited to see the points rolling in!

Further afield, the Wblues travel to Bedford in search of three points. After a big win midweek, Psycho and her team wilby looking to start a winning streak. It’s been a tough start, but having watched them play on Wednesday, they do know how to play hockey!

The Fantasy Hockey

Keep those transfers coming in! The submission form can be found here. A big round-up is coming in two weeks time.

Further work

For those who find that reading a weekend preview is not enough, I have four high-quality match reports. Vote below for your favourite:

Favourite Match report?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

In addition, all the songs above can be found in our weekend preview playlist.

Weekend Preview 02/11/19

The inevitable has arrived. The Webmaster’s chat has dried up. Hence in order to provide you with some reading and to save the planet, I’ve recycled one of the greatest weekend previews of all time.

To get myself in the mind of Mr Schwebster, I finished off Roberto’s ‘enhanced’ brownies and got writing about the most likely outcomes of the latest CUHC version of the Hunger games.

The rules:

Survive until the very end. No one can leave the Wilberforce Road. Anything else goes.

Who would go first?:

After a big night out, Pope Amy I stumbles into the Wilberforce road car park. In full papal regalia, she unknowingly comes across devout David Gibson. Keen to avenge his ancestor’s murders by Mary Queen of Scots, David releases his inner Stag and asserts his dominance over to the arriving females. The pope is dead and our first victim has fallen.

Who’s next?

Fearing for her own life, Bethan takes refuge in her car. This does not end well. The Wblues are down to 14. Meanwhile, after weeks of testing in the wasteland of Oxf*rd, Owain and Julian have locked themselves in the Arthur Marshall Room and are busy programming a nanovirus. They cultivate their virus inside hopeless fresher Kabir and set him wild. Operation “Top Dagger” is live. 

Fresh Kabir, keen to still meet people, unknowingly starts transmitting the nanovirus in its incubation period. Excited by the prospect of meeting everyone for the first time, Fresh Kabir tries to impress the ladies and form an alliance by telling them he’s twenty-one. They are not impressed and turn against him. Fresh Kabir is stamped to death by the Nomads. The nanovirus dies with him.

Distraught by the outcome of their masterplan, Owain and Julian turn to a more conventional method in the East Leagues. They grab their hockey sticks and go chopping. Sadly, being a Compsci, Julian dies outside after 30 seconds due to overexposure to air and sunlight. Meanwhile, Owain slays down Seb and a frightened Bill tries to queff off to Homerton. Unknown to him, Kirky had decided enough is enough and the traditions of the past must be upheld. He hires fellow alumni and clay pigeon shooting blue Ferg Flan to snipe from one of the floodlights. The fleeing Bill gets hit in his average-sized chest. The resulting draft from tumbling Bill knocks over Jallen rendering him unconscious. Ally arrives just in time (well actually £2 late), and keen to claim his first strike, finishes off Jallen. Unfortunately, whilst celebrating, Ally gets hit by one of the new trial buses for the Adam’s road busway. 

The Escapees have been eliminated…  but who makes the final cut

Ferg, still unnoticed, continues his kill streak and takes out two of the Beds keepers. Keen to get involved, Kirky hides successfully amongst the freshers. He takes out Will Silver, who has been running around with his lethally sharp inhaler. However, Jim has returned from East Anglia’s answer to the lost city of Atlantis, Mundesley, and tries to protect the fresher’s welfare. Kirky challenges Jim to a one-on-one battle. Jim goes first and wrong-foots Kirky with his classic v-drag. Feeling like Adriano in the 2013 Champions League semi-final, Kirky tries to get one back at Arjim Robbinson, but panics. Turns out he really doesn’t want it and surrenders. Arjim spares him no mercy and eliminates him.

Outraged by Arjim’s lack of welfare, Izzy Austin goes on the rampage and flattens Arjim on her Ski’s. After eliminating nearly all the Men’s blues and most of the Wanderers, including Jefe who was googling the rules at the time, Izzy Austin falls foul of a cynical deliberate foot by last man Lewis Collins. Lewis and Chandler celebrate with a VK, but they’ve secretly been laced with additional alcohol by Sarah Alsaad. Consequently, the sugar and alcohol in the VK no longer counterbalance and both die of low blood sugar levels.

Meanwhile Flan, now without any ground reconnaissance, continues to eliminate fresher’s at will, leaving Bailes without any allies. However, the alumni’s stranglehold soon ends, for Flan forgets Spidertotton is back from his year abroad. Crawling incognito towards the control panel, Spidertotton switches on the lights, startling flan who falls to his death. Times have changed, and the alumni have gone.

The numbers are dwindling:

With Bailes now on her own, she looks to the depleted Nomads now just four strong with Sarah, Kirsten, Faith and Connie. The squanderers have lost just two, and having assessed his options, Campkin decides now would be a good time to start coaching.

Campkin decides it’s now or never and tries to explain the red press to give the squandies the upper hand. Realising that Campkin’s explanation doesn’t make any sense, Deme makes the 50:50 call to get rid of Campkin. He launches a rapid drag flick but misses and hits Tom Whitworth. This leaves Fraser in charge. Fed up with Tom’s diplomacy, Kim Jong-Frall-Un hires a Zipcar and orders the squandies to run alongside.

Borland has faith in her captain and they jointly command the remaining Nomads plus Bailes to charge the squanderers. Hiding in the bushes, Faith shouts the codeword “Freedom” and the nomads charge at Kim Jong-Frall-Un’s security detail. Still raging from the non-stop Wandies out of tune sing along during their trip to Nottingham, the Nomads release their anger on an unknowing bunch of squanderers. Sadly, their efforts are at the expense of Connie. It was not her day.  Realising he had been conquered by the West, Kim Jong-Frall-un throws in the towel. He is left at the mercy of the pack. He dies with numerous CUHC Olympic records to his name, including the most tries in a season for the Bedouin.

It’s now late in the evening and it’s well past Owain’s bedtime. He falls asleep in Men’s changing room 3. Here, Tyler, assumed dead, has been hiding while Austin mowed down his body double, Greg. Tyler kills off Owain in his sleep and plans his final attack.

So Who’s left?

Bailes, Sarah, Kirsten and Faith have battled through. Monty and Shears are the only Wblues; they’ve used their Geography skills and realised that no one goes in changing room 7. They hide out there and do some colouring.

JP is dressed as Harry Leng. It goes to his head and starts using Aimbot. Soon enough he’s eliminating people at will with Ferg’s rifle. Tyler sees that our former president’s been shot and there’s nothing more to live for. He decides he might as well do a yard of Toma and pays the ultimate sacrifice.

This leaves us with Jean (who’s so old and so anti-social that all the fresher’s thought he was the groundsmen), Sarah, JP and Martha Hoult. She arrived on time but unnoticed after visa issues on her arrival from Girton. It’s now been too Leng since JP showed off his rig and he is forced to reveal his true colours. Sarah takes inspiration from Poison Ivy and quickly eliminates a shirtless male.

The twist and the end

This leaves us with a three-way battle. Stalemate is reached and Jean looks for the U20+1 Portsmouth Chess Champion for advice. Sadly, he took one for the team in eliminating MoM favourite Lizzie Jack before she could get going. However, in a sudden turn of events, Martha delivers on her week one preview status and unleashes her deathray and disposes of the senior WBlue.

This leaves us with Jean and Martha. The old vs. the new. However, unconfirmed reports say there may still be one mystery figure remaining too. Having been here before, Jean knows his best chance is to force Martha into the lift where he’ll have the uppercut. Martha wants to keep it out in the open where she can expose Jean’s lack of pace, which has decayed rapidly in age since the first edition.

Shbloke Jean tries to catch out the inexperienced Wblue by handing her a pre-duel hydrating beverage. He appeals strongly, but Umpire Lord Joel Sheldon Wilson, calls not-out… again. Jean, who lost his reviews in trying to dismiss Wandies Captain Ollie Rose with similar tactics, is in despair and pleads with the referee. The decision stands. 

Now in a state of panic, Jean feels he must “do something crazy”. But wait! The rumours were true! They are not alone in the game! The fire exit bursts open and, once the dust has settled, an icy calm looking Emma Hatherell is revealed! She looks down at her blood-covered hands and cooly wipes them clean on her new Playerlayer kit, with Joe Root’s number smothered with blood. Jean and Martha look at one another in fear and disbelief, knowing that not one drop of that blood is Hatherell’s. Before either could react, the silent assassin pounces and takes out Jean. Jean screams foul play, but Root has Lord Wilson on her side. Jean is dismissed.

Matha looks up and sees that Emma, who has been hiding in the kit cupboard, has painstakingly unlocked the combination locks on the Mblues balls and has the new Wandies & Squandies saturns to hand.

Realising that Martha needs these Saturns for her intergalactic deathray (aka the flat part of the back of the stick low angle swing shot), she takes the battle inside the clubhouse. Martha knows that Hatherell’s ammo won’t be as much use in confined spaces and the clubhouse maze provides the best opportunity to steal some ammo. But Hatherell is having none of it.

As Martha tries to lure Hatherell away from the ammunition, Hatherell is not fooled. She has done her research on the new CUHC website. She walks calmly up the stairs and starts unscrewing the now old glass honours boards. After 4 minutes and 59 seconds, Martha emerges. Her eyes light up and she sprints for the now unguarded Saturns, only to find Hatherell waiting with a perfectly-shaped shard of glass. The last thing Martha sees is the 2019 Men’s varsity result: X-X.

Martha falls to the ground and leaves Hatherell champion. Congratulations Emma.

Any other Business

It’s very disappointing that I’ve received no match reports this week. This must end now, otherwise, I wilby forced to name and shame people like Ollie Rose who owe me two match reports.

With Hantian Wang now leading the Fantasy Hockey, it’s time to make your changes here. Please note that you wilby deducted 10 points for an ineligible team. The teams are set according to the draft and not according to the actual team sheets. This would be too much admin.

Oh and there’s some hockey this weekend:

WbluesWappingH (P1)13:00DLWLL
MbluesCam City 2sA (H P1)14:30LDWDL
WandiesWaltham Forest 1sH (P2)12:30LWWWL
NomadsCam. City 3sA (H P1)11:30WDLLD
BedsCam. NomadsA11:00LLWLW
SquandiesBourne DeepingH (P3)11:00WWWWW