*Please note all Saturday fixtures at Wilberforce road have been cancelled*
On the use of the term BDotY by OPHC: It’s terribly sad that for that average institution that their most fun day of the year requires our involvement… And it’s staggering that since Oxf*rd chat is worse than Cambridge chat, the average chat on the day must ipso facto be lower than any given pure CUHC social. I am reminded though of the closing remarks from Dumas’ classic the Count of Monte Cristo: “There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. ” So maybe BDotY is so great only because it makes the Cambridge chat seem out of this world.
Following on such profound words, this week I consider the words of Plato: “The measure of a man is what he does with power”. Bear this in mind, for I, the master of the webs, bear great power. To paraphrase Aristotle, while Plato is dear to me, but dearer still is truth. And it is on the eve of such a momentous event that I find myself delving into the truth.
It’s almost here. It’s the day you’ve all been waiting for. There’s no doubt it’s going to be amazing. That’s right, it’s the day that the analysis of the profile picture likes is released.
Everyone will have seen by now the hype generated by the biggest annual coordinated media campaign in the University*. Now it’s time to gain insight into why this campaign is so effective.
*in which individual pictures photos are uploaded to Facebook.
|Team||Arithmetic Mean Reacts||Geometric Mean Reacts||Arithmetic Mean % Friends reacted|
Following the great Filtergate scandal of 2018, the nomads this year have gone for a more natural look. Now that they have eventually wiped off their dip-coat from Rimmel London, they’ve let the Wilby sunset do wonders, radiating a natural glowing hue. Such a natural optimisation merits natural statistics. Here I turn to the obvious candidate: the exponential function.
The Wanderer’s choice of background fully reaffirms that they are old and boring. And it is with this ageing squad that their reactions have suffered. But four is one and five is two. Hence, the 1derers once again occupy the top spot, with the Women’s Blues hit list in second.
The Squanderers have also stuck to standing in front of the dark lime blue boards. This has not repaid them as well as they may have once hoped.
A Year on year improvement was only achieved by the Nomads. Meanwhile, the Squanderers continue their sloping sinusoidal form:
Meanwhile, the Bedouin are still very fresh… It appears their panic to get their profile pics sorted on time has had a grave effect, falling below the squanderers. At least the panicking is now all out of the way.
The total average breakdown shows that the Wandies are the funniest, but everyone loves the nomads. I’m not sure what it is, but the Squandies apparently have a wow factor of 1.5 over the average CUHC population.
There are no I’s in team but there are five in individual brilliance. We, therefore, move swiftly from team performance to those individuals that have really shined in PPRC 2020.
First, we look at those who on the face of it have done the very best:
Yeah, alright, you may be quite popular. Good for you. But let’s be honest, everything is relative. Time, space, enthalpy, the value of British sterling, your grades when normalised to a Gaussian curve…. I could go on.
Hence, we move on to who has the highest quality friends:
|Rank||Name||% Friends reacted|
But even if they’re loyal, it doesn’t mean your friends love you:
I’m also keen to use this to emphasise a level of internet safety to you, Gen Z. Recently, I keep getting random FB requests from people with 45 mutual (CUHC) friends. I ask all of you who this person is, and you all say “I don’t know but I added them cos I’ve got 20 mutual friends”. Stranger danger kids.
Alongside a dramatic deterioration in conventional social conversational skills, an inability to talk to people of the opposite gender and most importantly, the quality of your lid, being in CUHC can also somehow make some of you more popular:
Furthermore, none of the above’s previous PP contained any CUHC stash, further supporting our findings. More generally, the average improvement in react count from each individual’s previous PP was 54±2%.
A picture may be worth a thousand words, but is rarely able to fling quality chat:
At CUHC media, we firmly believe in a level playing field. An uneven one simply leads to the ball finding the local minima. In recent years, it has become apparent that many people try to enhance their performance simply by commenting (or worse, even sharing). To mitigate against this, we ran an artificial neural network, using PPRC 2019 as training data. We were, therefore, able to estimate how many likes you would have got without commenting. The big losers here were the Beds, with Charlotte Cutter (-11 places), Scarlett Atkinson (-13 places) and captain Emily Bailey (-5 places) dropping down the rankings.
A lot of effort but it didn’t really work to knock the popular people off the top spot. (Sharing was undemocratically decided to be worth 50 comments)
In addition to newsfeed bumping tactics, we’re also very aware that in wider society, your family name can often lead to elevated social status. We think this is wrong. We have therefore countered this metric:
|Name||Scrabble Normalised PPRC|
Total reacts normalised by your preferred name’s scrabble score
Our analysis shows that you’re more likely to have a date tonight if you have a high-value name:
At CUHC, we’re also keen to know how you mature with age. For some, this is more tricky than for others, but it turns out that PPRC data is yet again a reliable metric:
For deeper analysis, we turn to our favourite Wanderering Snake of PPRC-past.
We then turned to several other reliable metrics of the past, which have alarming success:
- For the gents:
- I’d like to think I have at least some gentlemanly qualities. Therefore for ladies, we considered Shirt Number:
- Once again, the north beats the south, and Oxf*rd is the worst of all.
- Lastly, we consider how hockey performance relates to PPRC. Sadly there was no clear correlation, and I couldn’t really twist it to get the conclusion that I wanted.
With all these metrics, quite rightly all of equal importance, we decided to crown a champion of champions:
In conclusion, despite our best efforts to counter her performance, Izzy Austin is average whilst everyone else is below average.
Those to let the side down
Sadly, not everyone got involved. This makes me sad. I won’t name them because that wouldn’t be fair, but I think everyone has a right to see their profile pictures…
But wait there’s far more to find… If we don’t like each other, how can we expect others to like us? On this accord, we searched through to find out who had been letting the side down:
More shockingly, not even the whole of one team liked one of their own team member’s profile pictures! In fact, the Men’s blues were the best:
|Team||Mean Reacts||# Full Houses|
Lastly, there’s always a few that go fishing for likes during the PPRC campaign. We thought this year we’d simply call you out:
|Team||Average new friends caught||Worst Offender||Their Haul|
But enough of that. At CUHC, we believe in positive thoughts. Hence I’d like to congratulate those who’ve been ploughing through the book de face in order show their CUHC love/like/haha/wow/angry/sad:
|Name||Number Likes vs. Being Liked||Percentage they liked|
A true list of givers and not takers
So there it is, the most in-depth PPRC ever performed. With that, I wish everyone the best of luck this weekend. It is also with a very heavy heart that I take a leave of absence from my post controlling the internet, while I try to bash out some more meaningful literature. I hope to return soon, but for the meanwhile, I leave you in some very capable pairs of hands.
#GDBO #IJCSO #IFLTS #GOTW #IFLTN #IFLTB #ShandyMan
Important Disclaimer 1: Statistics correct as of Tuesday 11th February 2020
Important Disclaimer 2: How many likes you get is nowhere a measure of how popular/cool/whatever, but I had nothing else to write about this week.