At this special time of the year, it is important to remind those new to CUHC why we celebrate this special time. The origins of CUHCmas are often forgotten, but nonetheless the website is here to provide you with that all-important content.
Long ago, when Commander Sides ruled Wilby (now affiliated to Cambridge Uni Sport), Baz sent the angel Austin to a young lady who lived in the averagely sized village of Cambridge. The lady’s name was Bethan and she was to be with Daddy Leng (A good omen for both).
The angel Austin said to Bethan: ‘GDBO! I just can’t stand Oxf*rd! Baz has blessed you and is pleased with you.’ Bethan was very surprised by this and wondered what Austin meant. The angel Austin said to her ‘Don’t panic, Baz has been very kind to you. He only RNG’d between 1 and 10. You will become pregnant by the below-average chat and give birth to a very fresh webmaster and you will call him Owain. He Wilby Baz’s own Son and his volume will never drop. Deal or no deal?’ Bethan was very afraid but she trusted Baz. ‘May it happen as Baz wishes. Deal.’ she replied to the angel. Austin also told Bethan that her cousin, Sass, who everyone thought was too old to enjoy chat, would have a fewer fresh webmaster whom Baz had chosen to prepare the way for Owain.
Bethan said goodbye to her family and friends and went to visit her teammate Sass and Sass’s co-club captain Jim. Sass was very happy to see Bethan. She knew that Bethan had been chosen by Baz to be the mother of his Son. Angel Austin had already told Jim that Sass’s webmaster would prepare people to welcome Owain. He was to be called Sir Tim Berners-Lee. Bethan stayed with Sass about £4,000,000 and then returned home to Wilby.
Daddy Leng was worried when he found out that Bethan was expecting a very fresh webmaster before their wedding had taken place. He wondered if he should put off the wedding altogether. Then an angel appeared to Daddy Longlengs in a dream and said: ‘Don’t Panic to have Bethan as your wife.’ The angel explained that Bethan had been chosen by Baz to be the mother of his Son and told Daddy smallarms that the very fresh webmaster would be named Owain which means ‘shlid’ because he would have a terrible lid. When Daddy woke up, he did what the Angel Austin had told him to do and took Bethan as his wife.
At this time, the land where Bethan and averagechest liv’d was part of the Queenios’ Empire. The Queenios Empress Isabella Montgomerus wanted to have a list of all the people in the empire, to make sure they paid their subs. She ordered everyone to return to their inboxes where their CRSIDs originally came from, and put their names in a spreadsheet. Bethan and Peng traveled a long way (about 14,000 wings of a sparrow) from Wilby to Portugal place, in search of a connection to the ever-reliable UniOfCam. Most people walked but some people thought they had Bill the donkey to help carry the goods needed for the journey, but he soon queffed off. Peng and Bethan traveled very slowly because Bethan’s very fresh webmaster was due to send it.
When they reached Portugal place, they had problems finding somewhere to stay so they could eventually connect to Hermes. So many people had come to register their names in the spreadsheet, that every house was full and every bed was taken in all of the guest rooms. When they arrived at the last inn, DJ said “there’s no room in the lounge, silly CUBC are here getting battered off half a pint of lime-soda”.
The only place to stay that they could find was down below with the animals. In these old days, people often kept CURUFC in the house, especially at night, and used them like ‘central heating’! People, like George Milner, normally slept on a raised/upper level with these animals below to give them extra warmth. So in the place where the animals slept, Bethan gave birth to Owain, the Son of Baz.
In those days it was the custom to wrap newborn babies tightly in a light blue bench coat called ‘stash’. Sadly, the kit hadn’t arrived yet so the Son of Baz was left all exposed. Owain, in a manger, wasn’t very happy and kicked up a fuss, deafening those around him. With no running track nearby, he knitted a robe out of polyvinyl alcohol fibres (the most common clothing material in North Korea) to keep him warm. This was the first sign that he had too much time on his hands, and a bizarre fondness of niche trivia.
In the steep mountains outside Portugal place, shepherds looked after Sean the sheep through the long night. As the new day began, suddenly an anon. angel appeared before them and the glory of Baz shone around them. The shepherds really didn’t want it but the anon. angel said, ‘Don’t Panic. I have good news for you and everyone. It’s only 79 days until BDotY. Also, in Portugal place a shlid has been born for you. You will find Owain in a manger.’.
Then many more angels appeared, lighting up the sky. The shepherds heard them praising Baz singing: ‘If I had the wings of a sparrow, If I had the *rse of a crow, I’d fly ove Oxf*rd tomorrow…’
When the angels had gone the shepherds said to one another, ‘Let’s go to Porty P to see what has happened.’ So the shepherds went to Portugal place and found Bethan and the very fresh webmaster, Owain, in a manger as they had been told. When they saw him, they told everyone what the angel had said and everyone who heard how fresh he looked were astonished. Then the shepherds returned to the limping Sean the sheep, praising Baz for sending his Son to be their shlid.
When Owain was born, a brand new bright star of wanderer appeared in the light blue sky. Some Wise Men (TJ, Kieran and Jean) in faraway countries such as Homerton saw the star and guessed what it meant. As PhD students, they had plenty of time to kill, and had read in very old visual writings (Galvanised Hockey 2015 Varsity & Ferocious by the Wanderers) that a new star would appear when a below-average webmaster was born. They set out to find the new webmaster and bring him gifts.
The Wise Men followed the star towards the area surrounding Porty P and when they got to the capital called Curry King they began to ask people: ‘Where is the child who is born to be Commander?’ Commander Sides heard this and it made him very angry to think that someone might be going to take his place as Commander. Sides sent for the Wise Men to come to him. He introduced Ollie Phillips (“Schwoop”) and then told them to go on following the 1derering star until they had found the very fresh webmaster. He said: ‘When you have found him, let me know where he is, so that I can go and worship him.’. But Sides did not tell them that this was a huge Paul Sackey and instead wanted to eliminate the new webmaster.
The Wise Men followed the star towards Portugal place. It seemed to stop and shine directly down upon the place where Owain was. Contrary to popular belief, this was simply a convenient positioning of the light bulb.
The Wise Men entered the house where they now lived and found Owain with Bethan, they courtsied and worshipped him. The Wise Men spread the gifts they had brought before Owain. The gifts were Will Silver, FrankieHarleyscent and Alicia Myrr. The Wise Men were warned in a dream, by Baz, not to go back to the dark Sides, so they took a longer and more tedious route known as the X5.
When the Wise Men had gone, anon. angel appeared to Daddy Leng in a dream. ‘Get up from that downward dog,’ the angel said, “take Owain and Bethan and escape to Spoons. Stay there until I tell you, for Sides is going to search for Owain to eliminate him.” So Harold got up, took Owain and Bethan during the night they left for Spoons, where he stayed in safety from Sides.
When Sides realized that he had nibbled on the Wise Men, he was losing it and he gave orders to eliminate all the freshers in Portugal place and the surrounding area. This was to try and eliminate the new webmaster, as his plan to find the location of the new webmaster from the Wise Men had failed.
After Sides had been eliminated, Leng had another dream in which an anon. angel appeared to him. The anon. angel said, ‘Get up, take Owain and Bethan and go back to Wilby, for those who were trying to eliminate Owain have been eliminated by Hatherell.’
So Daddy Largethighs got up, warmed up with his resistance band and took Owain and Bethan and they went back to Wilby. But when he heard that Sides hair, now very grey Totton, was now commander of Wilby, he was afraid to go there. So instead they went to Cindies, and lived in Catz Corridor.
Until last year, it was tradition to celebrate this event at Wilby. Sadly the merriment was too great, leading to some ataxic members. However, now that Deme knows where the cycle paths are in Cambridge, it’s guaranteed to be a cracking night.
Don’t forget to come to CiS Mince Pies and Mulled Wine at Hawks (4 pm) followed by the STAG Christmas Carol Concert (5 pm)!
Before the shenanigans begin, there’s some hockey to be played.
The Squandies and Wblues have huge games at Wilby against the teams directly below and above them respectively. Meanwhile, the Wandies travel to Blueharts in a hope to continue their surge into the automatic qualification for the champions league.
The Mblues face Wapping who may or may not be turning up with a huge thumbs up. All we know is that we’ll only be giving the Mblues the Matt Cockerill if they get 3 points. The Nomads and Beds travel to IES and St Ives. With Emily Bailey and her team looking to give bottom of the league a need for an early night, the Nomads have a tough trip to Ipswich. With a strong performance in recent weeks, including at Pub Golf, the Nomads will be looking to put out exemplary performances in their double header this weekend.
As always, a big social means a double points weekend. Get your fantasy hockey changes in soon! Link here