With a very successful round of 2 sports (4 wins, 2 draws and many birdies) played last weekend, CUHC gears up for another big weekend on the pitch. In an effort to save as much content for those all-important match reports, I teamed up with the second node of the same brain for the preview.
With the inevitable result of next-level nicheness, Lewis and I present you with 14th Century England’s answer to Jackson Pollock; Heraldry.
CUHC Guide to Heraldic Charges
The arrival of Old Southendians at the Wilberfortress this weekend led to feelings of stash envy in the 1derers wans. Seeing the opposition fully clad in matching **layerLayer prompted cries for ‘It should have been me’ being added to the post-match sad showers playlist. But this opposition, like all other sporting teams in Cam, will soon feel as we felt, intimidated by the swarm of lime blue weatherlayers bearing the only club specific crest in all the land. When such a time comes (if you are still around to see it) you Wil-need-to-by prepared for the barrage of questions which wilby inevitably coming your way.
Don’t know the difference between golden yellow and reddish red? Struggling to identify which member of the panthera genus is on your crest? This handy guide aims to arm members of CUHC with the niche triv they need to explain why our stash Wilby a little better than everyone else’s.
Lions, Leopards and … Tigers?
A real sticking point when it came to kit orders this year, the shape and colour of the big cat on your stash caused weeks-worth of emails to arrange phone calls to organise a text so that a meeting could occur planning designs to be made for samples to be tried. To understand what all the fuss has been about, we have had to consult the world’s greatest experts on heraldry. We also asked Kabir for his thoughts.
University of Cambridge Sport and **layerLayer made an initial offer to all sports teams, with stash bearing a “red lion” across the board. Mistakes are present everywhere in this design, prompting outright rejection from our kit secs. William, when asked for his reasoning said:
some colours reconcile themselves to one another, others just clash. Great shades of blue, you find them in nature. I like light green, sometimes red is fun to look at, but I love gold, it is beautiful and classy and timeless.” Lovely words on blue and gold from silver, ones you can quote yourselves when defending our switch of colour.William Silver: Kit Sec 2019-20
Once gold had been chosen as the correct colour of lion, selecting the appropriate attitude was the next job on the list. Mollie, when interviewed, said:
The true heraldic lion, according to French authors, is always to be represented in profile, or, as the ancient heralds say, showing but one eye and one ear. Cam Uni Sport have presented a ‘Lion passant guardant’ which should in fact be identified as a ‘Leopard’. The true lion is best depicted as ‘rampant on a field of 163 193 173’.Mollie Ring: Kit Sec 2019-20
Appreciating the controversial historical debate between the classification of Lions and Leopards, Kabir offered a much more simple definition of each design, saying:
“I just don’t want a red tiger on my stash, why can’t we have golden lions.” While debate will continue for centuries to come, it is important for members of CUHC to be able to identify the proper attitude from the table below. Try the “look-cover-write-check” method, to be sure you are getting this right.Kabir Sahota: Astoundingly fresh 19-present
Attitudes of the Lion
With fears of the very real issues of copyright infringement, but pure desire to illustrate all the possible attitudes of Panthera genus on heraldic crests, we took the hard decision to get inventive:
Images removed under the right to have amnesia (GDPR)
As well as having nicer stash than the rest of Cambridge, our kit secs were quick to point out that their persistence would be most fully rewarded in February and March next year. When asked for comment, Jack said:
the crown may only be used following strict rules in heraldry, as a symbol for a monarchy or a republic. With *UHC clearly in violation of these rules, I am told vexillologists everywhere are up in arms. The lion, by contrast, is not restricted to royal coats of arms and its use by CUHC has been internationally commended. Moreover, the use of two hockey sticks in sautoir basses shows how little they understand the beautiful game, with no ball in sight, I believe we can finally understand why we receive so many stick tackles at Varsity.Jack England: Kit Sec 2019-20
Now that we are all armed with the knowledge we need to defend our 129 year old emblem, all that remains is to wait impatiently for everyone’s favourite *STASH STASH STASH* CUHC Social post, which we are confident will arrive on a day ending in y.
We would like to thank our stash secs for their time both participating in our interviews and interacting with Britain’s Best Small Sportswear Provider 2016/17, an award which we can confirm was “fully justified” after six minutes of intense debate, last wednesday.
Not quite as important as stash, but coming in a close second, we move on to talk about East Leagues Hockey. Seven games across the six teams of CUHC this weekend can only mean one thing, it’s time for the final Wandies double header. Your last chance to make the most of an extra double point weekend, with big points available in Fantasy hockey and 6 points available in real hockey. This also means there Wilby three home games on Saturday and one on Sunday, to give the partisan crowd weekend-long entertainment.
To provide you with some ‘chat’ to offer the opponent you find yourself marking/leading away from, here’s a ‘fun’ ‘fact’ you can use to sound knowledgeable and cool. One of these is in fact not true, can you work out which it is?
B vs Saffron Walden 1 (H)
Sticking with the theme of the logo, Saffron Walden’s unofficial coat of arms comprised a saffron crocus within the walls of the town’s castle in the form of a heraldic pun, “Saffron walled-in”. A level of chat the Blues will feel more than capable of responding to with their BTEC puns, as they seek a win to leapfrog their opponents on Saturday.
1derers wans vs Letchworth 1, Spalding 1 (A) (H)
Table topping Letchworth play in the world’s first garden city, created in 1904 based on designs by Sir Ebenezer Howard, with the aim of comprising equal areas of residency, industry and agriculture, giving the benefits of both city life and the countryside in one.
Inspired by our very own Nomads and Bedouin, Spalding takes its name from an Anglian tribe, the Spaldingas, who settled in the area in the 6th century. The only team the Wandies are yet to face since their return to Prem B, this game marking the halfway point in the season.
Squanderers vs March 1 (A)
The high-flying Squandies have been struggling with transport arrangements for their away trip this weekend. The issue could be solved with an off season repeat of the March March march. The 30-mile walk is best enjoyed to the tune of the March March march march. Surely better than the train?
WB vs St Albans 2 (A)
Did you know? Rather than a starting whistle, matches played at St Alban’s are begun with cannon fire.
N vs Wisbech 1 (H)
Wisbech is home to the second most important Octagon in Cambridgeshire. Having previously been used as a church, battlement and bank, their site is currently the home of a veterinary practice. The Octagon at Chads, meanwhile, is the birthplace of yoga.
B vs Saffron Walden 1 (H)
Saffron Walden is home to the largest parish church in England, which was rebuilt by John Watsell, while he was working as the master mason during the construction of Kings College chapel. While this should make them feel right at home, they are in fact, away at Wilby.